Month: March 2004

  • Passion in Context


    Last week, in three different homes three different conversations took place.  Some of the people had seen The Passion of Christ, some of them hadn't, all of them wanted to know if I had seen it and whether I intended to write about it.  At the time, I told them, yes, I've seen it, no, I have no intention of writing on the topic.  Well, apparently I lied. 


    It's been about 3 and a half weeks since I spent my morning in the theatre watching the film.  I didn't want to go.  I have read the scholarly accounts of the events surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, I've taught classes in which the significance of the Passion was a focus, and I've refused every opportunity to view any film that depicted the last week of Jesus' ministry on earth.  I had my first glimpse into the horror of the torture death Jesus endured when I was a child about 9 years old.  I still remember the words of the minister speaking in the church as he described the pain and suffering.  Over and over this man repeated, "And he did it for you, because of your sin, all because of you..."  I was terrified.  All the theological implications of that message overwhelmed me, I saw nothing beautiful in the blood of Jesus.  I knew that there was nothing in me that was worth anyone going through that, and I rejected any vicarious association with the death of Jesus as though my refusal to take part might somehow lessen that agony which seemed to have continued through 2000 years of history.   Why would I want to see it?  It's the kind of thing that people develop post traumatic stress from seeing and I've never been good at reminding myself that it's just special effects.


    So why did I go that morning to view Mel Gibson's film?  In part I was shamed into it.  Not intentionally.  The person who most influenced my decision to go would never have tried to shame me into anything.  But when my friend spoke of going, something in the conversation made me realize that I respected that decision and I felt that my own avoidance was spiritual cowardice.  In the second part, I have a neighbor who's husband is a construction worker, laid off since November.  I saw her out at the mailbox one day and stopped to see how things were going.  She puts on a good face, but I knew things were tight.  And she mentioned at least three times that she wanted to see the film but had resigned herself to waiting for the video release.  So I called and made sure there was a showing early enough that I could see it and get back in time to pick up the kids from school, invited my neighbor, and went. 


    It's hard to underestimate the significance of the Passion story in Christianity.  There are other religions that include a God who dies and is reborn in some way or another usually a cyclical event associated with harvest and planting.  There is no other story like the Passion of Jesus which is set in real time, in a real place, with historical markers that testify to the accuracy of the accounts we have.  No, we don't have exhaustive knowledge of just what happened that week (and for those of you who are hip to theological debates, you know that we can't even be certain what day of the week the crucifixion took place.  I personally think it was a Thursday, but that's an essay for another day.)  We do have an impressive body of evidence considering that Jesus was an obscure itinerant preacher from the backwoods of nowhere in a dusty little province that even the Romans were getting tired of dealing with.


    And deal with it they did, over and over and over through the first century.  From one corner to another various Messianic figures rose to challenge Roman rule.  More than once during Passover week when the population of Jerusalem would swell to over a million people as Jews came in to celebrate Passover, something would spark in the crowd and riots broke out in the city.  We know the names of some of these other Messiahs, we know their fates as recorded by first century historians.  What set Jesus apart from all these others?  Why did his death take on such significance?


    My biggest gripe with the film isn't that it's so violent, which it is.  If you haven't yet seen it but intend to, I'd advise you not to eat anything first, and take tissue.  Even knowing before I went what I cold expect to see on the screen, it was the most traumatizing film I've ever seen.  It's a violent story.  But my complaint is that the Passion story is taken out of context.  By showing us only those few hours - probably less than 18 hours from the time the film opens until the events have culminated in a dead body being taken down for burial - we have no frame of reference, no way to form any understanding of why we should care for this man's death any more or less than the death of the thousands of other people who were crucified under Roman rule. 


    The teachings of Jesus are largely absent and those which are shown give no clue as to what made this man so dangerous.  Flashback scenes include a snippet of the Sermon on the Mount, a wholly imagined scene of Jesus working as a carpenter, and the scene with the adulterous woman.  (And I've remembered what it was about that scene that was wrong.  Even though we have a tradition that the adulterous woman was Mary of Magdala, that's not the Biblical or historical record.  But Gibson went with tradition rather than history and showed Mary about to be stoned until the intervention of Jesus.)


    The film plays up the statement of Jesus that he would detroy the temple as the reason for his trial before the hastily assembled and incomplete Sanhedrin.  At least one modern theologian (E P Sanders) also argues that it was Jesus' criticism of the Temple Cult that led to his death.  There are significant problems with this view in that Jesus was hardly the most vocal or popular critic of the Temple priests.  Indeed the entire Essene order was formed in protest of the Temple leadership, they made quite a ceremony of refusing to participate in Temple worship and attracted hundreds if not thousands of adherents.  (It was the Essene community at Qumran which preserved the scrolls that we now know as the Dead Sea Scrolls.  We have learned quite a bit from studying these original documents of first century dissent.)     


    By focusing just on the torture and death of Jesus, the film magnifies those events and suggests that Jesus' suffering was more and worse than that of other people.  In some ways it is an accurate picture.  It was against Roman law to both scourge and crucify so we can be certain that Jesus was tortured as few would have been.  But the point of the story I believe, is not that he suffered more than a man, but that he suffered as a man.  The Apostle John opens his gospel by saying that in Jesus, God put on human flesh, pitched his tent among us, and lived.  If you can fully comprehend the significance of that, you have better insight than I possess. 


    I've talked about how it was that the Passion account pushed me away from Christianity, and yet, I've admitted here that I am a Christian.  The thing that drew me in, wasn't the blood of Jesus, it was the faith of the disciples.  I'm enough of a sceptic to realize that the resurrection is beyond my ability to believe, except for what happened to the disciples of Jesus.  Something happened in Jerusalem after they took that body down and buried it.  Something happened that was so significant that men and women were transformed from timid frightened fugitives in fear for their lives (that was a reasonable fear, Josephus tells us that Roman policy was to wipe out everyone associated with these Messiahs and at times hundreds and thousands of excecutions took place in order to quell a potential revolt) transformed into bold preachers and workers of miracles who would stand toe to toe with the same men who orchestrated the trial and execution of Jesus and dare them to bring it on. 


    It isn't Jesus' death that convinces me, it's what happened after.  With every other one of the Messiahs of the first century, it was trial, death, and then nothing.  Only in the case of Jesus did the aftermath exceed the prelude and grow and grow and grow.  Something happened in Jerusalem that was so significant that seven years later, a newly converted Jew who came to be known as Paul would begin to travel throughout Asia Minor finding in place congregations formed around the teachings of Jesus.  It has been popular over the past hundred and fifty years or so to say that without Paul there would be no Christianity today.  More recent scholars laugh at this notion.  Of course, Paul was important, he influenced and articulated the theology of the growing church, but the church was there before he came along, and it simultaneously grew up in a lot of places that Paul never visited. 


    No, to me the Passion of Christ is an important hinge of Christian theology, but in order for it to be historically or personally significant it must be placed in context and Mel Gibson's film doesn't do that. 


    I have another follow-up blog to this one that I'll post tomorrow.  Gibson used the Shroud of Turin as his pattern for depicting the wounds of Christ.  Its a fascinating artifact and tomorrow I'll discuss it. 


    **Several weeks ago I saw the blog that Ophelia Bedilia wrote regarding the Passion from an atheist point of view.  She gave me permission to link that blog and I'd recommend it highly to anyone.  She makes excellent points about the impact of this film. 

  • The Other Side of Grace


    I'm sorry, I didn't make it back here to post pictures yesterday.  It was another wild day in my life, although nothing like last week.  Mostly just taking care of details that ordinarily have to be done on the return from a trip, plus another dozen details because of this particular trip. 


    I keep thinking about the amazing generosity you showed me last week, and may I confess another thing?  I have very mixed feelings now.  See for me (is it this way for anyone else?)  Talking about money is difficult.  The decisions that we make about how to use our resources come closer to exposing our true heart than any other we make, with the possible exception of our sexual decisions, but that's a different blog.  I was in a difficult situation last week.  I planned my trip on a shoe string budget to start with so I was already nervous.  Then when I experienced the difficulty on the road I was thrown for a terrible loop.  The way you've come to my rescue has thrown me for another.


    I've been on the other side, where I had the opportunity to help someone.  And I was glad to do it, it made me feel good to be involved in a positive way.  Bill put it well last week when he said that to know that someone is in trouble and have no means to help them is very frustrating.  I don't like frustration and I'm glad when I'm able to help.  There have also been times when I wasn't sure whether my help was really needed, or if I was being taken advantage of.  Because of this I am conscious of wanting to open my life right now.  I want you to all know that the help was needed and that I used every penny you sent me exactly as it was intended.  One thing that was so amazing to me was that several of you said things like "use this for metro passes so your kids will still get to see the things you brought them to see," or "if you have more than you need to get home, put this in with what you will need for replacing your car."  I have thought of posting receipts here, but that seems a bit much.  I do want to let you know that I understand the weight of receiving grace.  There is no "administrative overhead" here.  The money you gave me paid for exactly the things you indicated with your gift.


    (As a side note, I'm always amazed that we look at people who have been forgiven for terrible things and think they got off easy.  If they truly accept that forgiveness as grace, they didn't get away with anything because grace changes your life.)


    Let me back up a couple of steps.  In talking about my divorce, I've left out a few details.  Not in order to be deceptive, but there are other people involved.  One thing I hadn't talked about was the decision to file bankruptcy and how I feel about that.  There have been many many nights that I've lain awake and cried over that.  I believe that if you borrow money you are obligated to repay it.  In my mind, bankruptcy is no different from stealing.  Or at least that's the way I have seen it up until now.  Okay, I still see it that way.  I felt I had no choice.  I live in a very depressed area where I'm unlikely to find a job that would support me.  I will be receiving child support to take care of the kids' needs, and short-term maintenance to help me get on my feet, but staying in this house will be more than I can afford.  Tim doesn't want the house.  We aren't upside down on the loan, but we live in an area where houses aren't selling.  Within a mile of my home there are four houses that have been for sale for as much as three years without a single offer.  I felt like my option was to either file for bankruptcy and give the house back now, or struggle without hope that I could make it until I was forced into foreclosure.


    There are other issues as well.  I have lived here for five years and I literally have no friends in this area.  There are people I know as passing acquaintances, but no one that I know well enough that I could call for a ride to the grocery if I had car trouble, much less anyone to talk with or be support.  Does that sound pathetic?  I don't know what it is about me that has made it hard for me to connect with people in this area.  I've never lived anywhere that I didn't develop a circle of friends.  But I haven't figured Southern Indiana out.  Oh, I have theories like: the people who live here all grew up here and have extended family nearby.  They aren't unkind, but they don't have the need to form new relationships. 


    So I'm in an area where I can't support myself, I have no friends who would be able to help me out with even the smallest of support, and I have a house I can't afford.  I'm bankrupt. 


    Because I knew that this was coming, and because I knew I wanted to have these trips, I prepaid as much as possible.  When Natasha and I planned last fall to spend her spring break together, we found flights, and made hotel arrangements.  I went ahead and paid my part before I would be under the budget constraints that might be imposed by the bankruptcy court.  And when I say I paid it, I'd like to be perfectly clear, I didn't charge it on a credit card that I would enter into the bankruptcy, I paid cash. 


    Was that selfish?  I'm asking to be excused from my debt, but I'm still planning for ways to enjoy things that I think of as luxury items.  I know that when I've helped people with needs in the past and then I've seen them enjoying things that I didn't feel were necessary, I've felt taken advantage of.  I wanted them to honor my gift to them by exercising financial restraint.  For this reason I wanted to let you all know what I've done up until this point, where I am now with regard to my finances and what I'm expecting over the next six months.   


    When I made the announcement about my separation, I had a very negative expectation.  I've seen other people go through divorce and it seems that they soon found themselves virtually friendless.  As their lives changed people who had been friends drifted away.  Sometimes because they no longer moved in the same spheres and sometimes because divorce makes people nervous.  I have felt in myself times when I judged myself harshly, thinking that it was wrong to smile, to have happy moments because I should be feeling the heaviness of my circumstances, I should be in mourning.  Feeling that sense of judgment against myself opened me up to the realization that I have habored judgment against others as well.  I'm ashamed to say that when I didn't see people suffering as much as I expected they would, I've thought that indicated something weak in their character. 


    I have been shamed and humbled over and over and over in the past five months as people have not only stuck with me, they've supported me, challenged me, and loved me when I was at the time of my life when I've felt least worthy of their compassion.  Do you know something else that's hard for me to say?  It's hard for me to say "I need you."  I can say "I love you," that feels easy and right (when it's true).  I say it to my family, to my friends.  I never say "I need you."  It's more scary to need someone than it is to be vulnerable to them by loving them. 


    It was scary for me last week when I told you that I needed help. The other side of grace is being willing to admit need and accept the changes that take place inside when that need is met.  My world has shifted a few degrees beneath my feet and I may bore you with several more blogs before I completely understand the depth of the change you've made in me. 

  • Breathing Again


    We are safely home and glad to be here.  The trip turned out to be a wonderful time with friends, an amazing exercise in receiving kindness, and I hope even a little bit educational.  I learned some things about myself.  Yes, I can be a bit flaky, but when we had the problem on the road, I handled it.  I was calm, I was clear, I got in touch with Triple A for the towing, called Mary to come and pick us up, dealt with the guy beside the road who stopped to offer assistance.  (Michael says, "Mom, he seemed like a nice guys, but I'm glad you didn't marry him." LOL)  I've been a bit nervous about facing life on my own.  I learned that in the first place, I'm better in a crisis than I'd given myself credit.  And I also got the message loud and clear that I'm NOT alone. 


    I was trying to respond to everyone who gave me help, but for some reason, Yahoo is flaking out on me.  It doesn't look like some of you are receiving those emails.  Of course, if you are getting them, I apologize for flooding your inbox.    I'm not even sure who you all are.  I mean I know your real names, but I don't know how to figure out which Xangans you are since many of you I only know by your Xanga name.  However it goes, I hope you all know that I thank you for your kindness and generosity.   


    Although the trip home was happily uneventful, I was very tired.  When I received the gift of the hotel room for Saturday night, I had the guilty thought that I was taking advantage of my friends' generosity, that I should have planned to drive it all in one day.  But I was wrong.  My adrenaline held me up until after I spoke with the service manager to make the final arrangements for my Sable.  (I'm going to miss that car.)  But once I left Cumberland I felt all my energy draining away and the last bit before I got to Athens was excruciating.  We stopped often so I could walk around, drink more water, whatever I could do to stay alert.  If I'd had to drive the remaining 5.5 hours to Indiana that night, I would have been in serious trouble. 


    I like travel.  Since I already have my airline ticket, I can say with a high degree of certainty that I'll be doing it again next week.  But I have rethought my position on driving my car across country with the kids.  If I'd been in a rental last Sunday, when the mechanical problems occurred I could have just called Hertz (or whoever, it was Hertz that I rented from for this return trip and they were fabulously helpful.) and it would have been their responsibility to take care of the car while we continued on our merry way.  So note to me, when traveling with kids, if at all possible, rent the car.  For most of my life, and indeed probably again now with all the changes that are taking place, travel has only been possible because I could drive my car.  But I was surprised by how inexpensive it was to rent that car even compared to buying bus tickets for three people. 


    Okay, enough about me and my obsessive preoccupation with over analyzing every step.  I do have photos of the fun stuff.  Mary made it a point to record the week and gave me a disk containing over 140 images.  Plus I have photos in my camera and Faith took pictures as well.  I'll be back this afternoon to post some.

  • On the Road Again

    I picked up the rental car last night, and I'm bery pleased. The kids and I are quite comfortable in a Mazda 6. They are tired so I expect they will sleep most of the way today. I'm a little nervous for no good reason! We're packed and loaded, pulling out by 6:30.

    Thank you ALL again
    Terri

  • Making Beautiful Memories

    Every time I visit with my friend, Mary. She arranges for us to have an art lesson. The last time I was here, we did a watercolor landscape. This morning, we will attempt a still life. I'm not all that handy with drawing and painting (other than painting walls which I'm pretty good at) but I'm learning all kinds of things. Mary does beautiful work which you can see examples of on her website, Mary's Ivory Tower

    I'm not sure what we'll do this afternoon, it's been raining a bit this morning, so it isn't the best day for walking around touring. But I'm hopeful that things will clear off.

    I will pick up the rental car at Hertz tomorrow, and I'm heading home early Saturday morning. We'll go by and visit my car one last time, make sure I got everything I need from it. If you would remember to say a prayer for our safety on this journey, I thank you!

  • Do You Know What You've Done?

    I am astonished. I'm humbled. I'm amazed. I don't really know what to say, but I want you to know what you've done.

    I found another option for getting home. With my Triple A discount, I can rent a car from Hertz for $145. Another $60 for gas and another $40 for feeding the kids on the road and I'm home. That means that for the same cost as bus tickets we can drive to Indiana in a third the time. You guys have donated more than that in PayPal cash. In addition to that, I've received a gift of a hotel room at the halfway point so the kids and I don't have to make the trip in one day. In addition to that, I received gifts with instructions to use those funds while we are in the DC area to make sure the kids still get the vacation I brought them here to have.

    I have talked to my insurance agent, and the only thing they will cover is the tow charge. But you know what, that's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. I have the receipt, when I get back to Indiana, my agent will write me a check for that amount.

    This morning, I took the kids to the Capitol Mall. They saw the Washington Monument and the Capitol building. We also saw a parade of people in wheelchairs asking for legislation to support assisted living (currently, many disabled people find themselves living in nursing homes which are expensive and rob them of their independence. Assisted living is their preffered choice, but it isn't covered by medicare even though it costs far less than nursing home care.) We talked about the issue, talked about how it is that we the people are able to do things like this in order to express our desire for changes in our laws. Michael thought if enough kids would get together and march on Washington, maybe we could get a law that would enable all kids everywhere to be allowed to drink Sprite instead of milk.

    We were able to visit two of the Smithsonian Buildings. We started in the museum of natural history where they were excited and impressed by the size of the triceratops skull. Seeing that brontosaurus skelton next to the T-Rex skeleton and realizing that the T-Rex could fit two brontosaurus heads in one bite was also impressive. True to his word before we came, Tucker was fascinated by the gemstone display as well. He REALLY wanted some of those diamonds. Well, I wouldn't turn one down either. LOL. I've never been a diamonds kind of girl. But the size of these and the way they throw light like fire is mesmerizing.

    The second stop we made was the Air and Space museum. The "hands on" exhibits for the kids to experiment with air pressure, thrust, wing design etc - were fabulous. I'm not sure how much the kids really understood about the point of the different experiments they were able to perform, but they did everything at least twice. Upstairs, we were able to see the Wright Flyer on display with a greal deal of Wilbur and Orville Wright artifacts. Michael ooohed and aaaahed over the Spirit of St. Louis as well. They just read the story of Charles Lindbergh in his third grade class. Mike was able to tell us that Lucky Lindy made it all the way across the ocean to Paris with a canteen of water and some chicken sandwiches.

    We are way luckier than Lindbergh. Thanks to you, our trip across country is going to be safer, more comfortable, and far less worry-filled than the trips he made.

    Thank you

  • Thank You

    What else could I say? Thank you.

  • Update:

    I'm sorry, I can't figure out why the paypal button isn't working. I don't understand enough about it to know what the problem is. Can I be honest? When I asked for your help I didn't expect that so many people would wish to respond, I am humbled and appreciative of your generosity. I do need the help you are kindly offering me.

    If you have a Paypal account, you can send a donation by logging in to your account and sending it to terriverrette@yahoo.com. If you don't have a paypal account already, it's easy and safe to set one up at www.paypal.com. Thank you for helping me.

    Terri

  • More Excitement (Oy!)

    Well, I got the answer on my car. Apparently it was a forensic puzzle extraordinaire piecing together all the steps of the tragedy which struck on Sunday. Something inside the transmission broke loose. it spun tore and ate it's way through the transmission sending shards of metal flying about beneath the vehicle. One of these shards punctured the oil pan. Another punctured the CV boot. The bottom line? $3000 to repair it. The bitter truth. I don't have $3000. Nor do I have a credit card. Nor do I have a credit rating because as a part of our divorce, we filed bankruptcy.

    We're all creative people here - anybody have any ideas? I'm 661.2 miles (according to yahoo maps) from my home. For $1200 the boys and I could fly home. Or for $234 I can take the bus - with Tucker - it's a 36 hour trip by Greyhound. Can you say TRIP I WILL NEVER FORGET? o_0

    Oh, and another vital piece of information - I have approximately $163.72 currently residing in my wallet. Please check back soon for the PAYPAL button coming to this QUILTNMOMI site.

    UPDATE: It doesn't take long to install a Paypal Button! LOL. The one below will enable you to donate $5. If you'd like to contribute any other amount, you may do so by going to Paypal and entering your information payable to terriverrette@yahoo.com.




  • Checking in

    You guys HAVE to hear how this trip is going. So much has happened that if I try to write it all you'll be telling me that it's TOO long to read in one day. Well, keep in mind it took me two days to live it okay?

    The time in Athens was fantastic. I love to visit with Faith, I had been a little worried that my boys would be a bit "much" for those sweet little girls. I need not have been concerned. The kids got along famously. The Knutsens had planned a hayride through the woods down nature trails with fabulous views and interesting things to study and enjoy. We hiked down to a cave that had a waterfall coming over the lip. Then we followed a stream in a time of "explore". Faith is so laid back and comfortable with her kids, I'm envious next to her. I was clucking over mine, saying such silly things as "try not to get too wet." I know it was silly, because Tucker took my cautions as suggestions. He climbed over a (small) cliff and waded in the stream to waist deep.

    Michael said, "Mom, remember how I said that going on vacation to visit your friend sounded like boring grown-up stuff? I was wrong, this is great for kids." Michael also said something else while we were tramping around among the leaves that I've been thinking about. I should mention that it's a personal policy with Michael to supply a constant stream of chatter to enhance his environment. If he's quiet, he's asleep. He tells stories about cartoon characters, makes up riddles, whatever enters his head comes immediately out of his mouth. Out in the woods on Saturday, he said, "If you're very quiet and still, you can feel the earth rotate beneath you."

    Yesterday, we had a bit of car trouble. Okay, a little more than a BIT. We were driving up a hill in Maryland when suddenly I lost power. I pulled over and watched as all the quarts of oil in the engine ran out from beneath. No need to panic. I had my cell phone, I had my triple A card. With those handy instruments I was able to arrange for a tow truck to come for us. While we were waiting for the tow truck, a man stopped and offered his assistance. I explained that the problem was beyond what I thought we could fix on the side of the road. He crawled beneath the car and said it looks like the rear seal is blown. I''m hoping hoping hoping that I was able to get stopped before the engine was irreparably damaged. If not, I'll be asking for donations!

    The kind stranger offered to stay with us until the tow truck arrived. We had to wait about a half hour and twenty minutes into that wait, I got another surprise. The stranger proposed to me. Seriously. I mean I would have treated it as a joke but he seemed so very sincere. I told him that I must decline his generous offer. I think I let him down gently, but he insisted that I should take his business card with his name and number just in case I should change my mind.

    I had called mary by then so I knew that she and Chris were on their way to retrieve us. When I called my parents to check-in and lt them know why we were going to be a bit later on the road than I'd expected, my Dad wanted to know how old was this fellow who wanted to marry me (older than me, but I'm not good at guessing ages - I'd think upper 40s). Dad thought that was a point toward the probability that he was sincere, because he's too old to think of marriage as a laughing matter. When I checked in with my other friend who was waiting yesterday to hear that we had arrived, I was asked detailed question about the vehicle the man was driving. It was a truck. The detail elicited a lecture on the need for me to pay a little more attention to such things as a means of juding whether or not it is a proposal I should accept. Okay, I offered, it was a black truck. Still not good enough. I failed the "lets be observant" test.

    The tow truck driver was nice. He gave us the tour of the Cumberland Gap. So here's what I noticed about that. As we are driving through the gorge beside the raging river and below those magnificient cliffs, there is a place called the "Lover's Leap Lounge." Only, it was at the bottom of the cliff. Does that strike anyone else as sick? You don't have the lounge at the top where the lover can have a final drink before walking on the air, no, nothing like that. The lounge is at the base where the idle curious can watch the doomed one land. 0_o

    Well, it's an interesting world. And be thinking about that donation ...