March 30, 2004

• The Other Side of Grace

  
  

  I'm sorry, I didn't make it back here to post pictures yesterday.  It was another wild day in my life, although nothing like last week.  Mostly just taking care of details that ordinarily have to be done on the return from a trip, plus another dozen details because of this particular trip. 

  
  

  I keep thinking about the amazing generosity you showed me last week, and may I confess another thing?  I have very mixed feelings now.  See for me (is it this way for anyone else?)  Talking about money is difficult.  The decisions that we make about how to use our resources come closer to exposing our true heart than any other we make, with the possible exception of our sexual decisions, but that's a different blog.  I was in a difficult situation last week.  I planned my trip on a shoe string budget to start with so I was already nervous.  Then when I experienced the difficulty on the road I was thrown for a terrible loop.  The way you've come to my rescue has thrown me for another.

  
  

  I've been on the other side, where I had the opportunity to help someone.  And I was glad to do it, it made me feel good to be involved in a positive way.  Bill put it well last week when he said that to know that someone is in trouble and have no means to help them is very frustrating.  I don't like frustration and I'm glad when I'm able to help.  There have also been times when I wasn't sure whether my help was really needed, or if I was being taken advantage of.  Because of this I am conscious of wanting to open my life right now.  I want you to all know that the help was needed and that I used every penny you sent me exactly as it was intended.  One thing that was so amazing to me was that several of you said things like "use this for metro passes so your kids will still get to see the things you brought them to see," or "if you have more than you need to get home, put this in with what you will need for replacing your car."  I have thought of posting receipts here, but that seems a bit much.  I do want to let you know that I understand the weight of receiving grace.  There is no "administrative overhead" here.  The money you gave me paid for exactly the things you indicated with your gift.

  
  

  (As a side note, I'm always amazed that we look at people who have been forgiven for terrible things and think they got off easy.  If they truly accept that forgiveness as grace, they didn't get away with anything because grace changes your life.)

  
  

  Let me back up a couple of steps.  In talking about my divorce, I've left out a few details.  Not in order to be deceptive, but there are other people involved.  One thing I hadn't talked about was the decision to file bankruptcy and how I feel about that.  There have been many many nights that I've lain awake and cried over that.  I believe that if you borrow money you are obligated to repay it.  In my mind, bankruptcy is no different from stealing.  Or at least that's the way I have seen it up until now.  Okay, I still see it that way.  I felt I had no choice.  I live in a very depressed area where I'm unlikely to find a job that would support me.  I will be receiving child support to take care of the kids' needs, and short-term maintenance to help me get on my feet, but staying in this house will be more than I can afford.  Tim doesn't want the house.  We aren't upside down on the loan, but we live in an area where houses aren't selling.  Within a mile of my home there are four houses that have been for sale for as much as three years without a single offer.  I felt like my option was to either file for bankruptcy and give the house back now, or struggle without hope that I could make it until I was forced into foreclosure.

  
  

  There are other issues as well.  I have lived here for five years and I literally have no friends in this area.  There are people I know as passing acquaintances, but no one that I know well enough that I could call for a ride to the grocery if I had car trouble, much less anyone to talk with or be support.  Does that sound pathetic?  I don't know what it is about me that has made it hard for me to connect with people in this area.  I've never lived anywhere that I didn't develop a circle of friends.  But I haven't figured Southern Indiana out.  Oh, I have theories like: the people who live here all grew up here and have extended family nearby.  They aren't unkind, but they don't have the need to form new relationships. 

  
  

  So I'm in an area where I can't support myself, I have no friends who would be able to help me out with even the smallest of support, and I have a house I can't afford.  I'm bankrupt. 

  
  

  Because I knew that this was coming, and because I knew I wanted to have these trips, I prepaid as much as possible.  When Natasha and I planned last fall to spend her spring break together, we found flights, and made hotel arrangements.  I went ahead and paid my part before I would be under the budget constraints that might be imposed by the bankruptcy court.  And when I say I paid it, I'd like to be perfectly clear, I didn't charge it on a credit card that I would enter into the bankruptcy, I paid cash. 

  
  

  Was that selfish?  I'm asking to be excused from my debt, but I'm still planning for ways to enjoy things that I think of as luxury items.  I know that when I've helped people with needs in the past and then I've seen them enjoying things that I didn't feel were necessary, I've felt taken advantage of.  I wanted them to honor my gift to them by exercising financial restraint.  For this reason I wanted to let you all know what I've done up until this point, where I am now with regard to my finances and what I'm expecting over the next six months.   

  
  

  When I made the announcement about my separation, I had a very negative expectation.  I've seen other people go through divorce and it seems that they soon found themselves virtually friendless.  As their lives changed people who had been friends drifted away.  Sometimes because they no longer moved in the same spheres and sometimes because divorce makes people nervous.  I have felt in myself times when I judged myself harshly, thinking that it was wrong to smile, to have happy moments because I should be feeling the heaviness of my circumstances, I should be in mourning.  Feeling that sense of judgment against myself opened me up to the realization that I have habored judgment against others as well.  I'm ashamed to say that when I didn't see people suffering as much as I expected they would, I've thought that indicated something weak in their character. 

  
  

  I have been shamed and humbled over and over and over in the past five months as people have not only stuck with me, they've supported me, challenged me, and loved me when I was at the time of my life when I've felt least worthy of their compassion.  Do you know something else that's hard for me to say?  It's hard for me to say "I need you."  I can say "I love you," that feels easy and right (when it's true).  I say it to my family, to my friends.  I never say "I need you."  It's more scary to need someone than it is to be vulnerable to them by loving them. 

  
  

  It was scary for me last week when I told you that I needed help. The other side of grace is being willing to admit need and accept the changes that take place inside when that need is met.  My world has shifted a few degrees beneath my feet and I may bore you with several more blogs before I completely understand the depth of the change you've made in me. 

  • 9:29 am
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