February 10, 2005
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Overwhelmed
I've been holding it together pretty well for a while now. Apparently, I've reached my limit. For absolutely no reason that I can point to and say - that's the straw - I have reached my limit tonight.
It's all stupid stuff. The list of classmates for Tucker's Valentine's exchange, which was supposed to be on my desk, is NOT on my desk. I showed him where to put it and asked him to leave it alone so that when we needed it (tonight) we could find it. It's gone. He remembers "showing it to Michael" but he can't remember anything else. I've turned their room upside down, it's not to be found.
I've had two days of business meetings that show a lot of promise in terms of helping me to develop future leads. But I'm disappointed because two meetings that I had high hopes for were cancelled at the last minute. And in some of the meetings from earlier this week, I learned that people I've been developing as leads for mortgage lending, aren't MY leads. They are company leads. So any business they call in with, doesn't go to me it goes ... well, the bottom line is that it goes to my boss. It seems that unless I tattoo my name on their forehead or something else to mark them as mine, the assumption is that they belong to "the company." And you know the thing that I feel the worst about regarding that whole episode? I naively thought that *I* was a part of the company. But hey, I'm not bitter. I'm too tired to be bitter.
I had to have four new tires put on my car this week. It seems that my front end has been out of alignment for a good long while. I'm guessing since the wreck in October. And all my tires were ruined as a result. I had one flat and when I went to get a new one, I got the bad news.
I'm tired.
There was one very bright note that I must report. Someone I've been worried about is now in recovery from a painful injury so (yes, it's all about ME) I don't have to worry QUITE so much.
And although there was a threat of a storm today, it did not materialize. Thank God.
But all in all, I just want to go crawl in my bed and pull the covers over my head, and stay there for a week. Or more.
Okay, in truth - I think I do know the moment that put me over the edge. I've been holding off the breakdown for a couple days, but it started when I had a conversation with Michael's teacher earlier this week about some issues my kids are having in school. I don't know how to help them any more than I'm doing already and I feel like a total failure as a mom. Kelly reassured me that it's "not my fault" and really I know that, sort of. Okay, no I don't. I keep thinking that if I were a better mom, I could figure out a way to fix it.
I called another child psychologist this week, who sounded perfect, until we got down to the discussion of insurance. He doesn't take the kind that my kids have. (He did say that he would try to help me figure out who does take their insurance and also works on their particular kind of needs.)
Did I mention that I'm tired?
I feel inadequate to handle the responsibility I have for the boys. I feel disappointed that my job is going in this direction. And I'm tired. I'm tired of straws that pile up, and I'm ... just ... tired.
I'm sure I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. But thanks for listening tonight.
Comments (11)
I can only think to refer you to a great friend of mine who said, "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
I know that 'just tired' feeling very well...I live with it daily...with no hopes for it to get much easier. Hope it gets better for you.
I know that kind of tired too. If I can't do anything else, I still listen well.
If you were dancing naked wearing a pumpkin on your head, I'd become concerned. Anything less than that, we can work with.
I know it too, Terri. Battling the overwhelmed monster is in itself exhausting. Tomorrow (today?) a bright spot will appear and while it may be a small one, it will provide relief beyond what you might expect.
Much love.
Dancing naked.....pumpkin.......hey.....that sounds like a fun party or at the very least.......new rock band: The Bare Naked Dancing Pumpkin Heads.
Hmm. I think I would STOP being concerned if we got into naked pumpkin dancing. In fact: hey, everybody! Early Halloween! Let's get pumpkin-naked right NOW!
[[[HUGE HUGS]]]
As a single mom, it's really hard to cross all the Ts and dot all the Is. next to impossible!! I've come to the conclusion that it's an excercise in letting go, not worrying so much, not caring so much if you don't get it all done. When we focus on one thing, something else suffers. Sad, but true. The good news is that, that's okay!! Just focus on the important stuff, and squeeze in all the "have to keep up" stuff here and there, and things will keep up, enough anyway. It's sorta like juggling lol
Bare naked dancing pumpkin head ladies. Works for me. Wouldn't the psychologist have a field day with that one!!!!
Sometimes where we are in life just bites. That's okay. It doesn't stay like that forever, just long enough for it to get really old.
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