Seasons' Change

Today is a rainy day in Southern Indiana.  It doesn't feel like winter rain though.  After three days of warm sunshine, the ground is "cooking".  Each drop of rain releases the smell of life happening in that thick red mud.  The hair at my nape is standing up with electricity.  The calendar must be wrong.  Winter is over.

Now watch, I'll be knee deep in snow drifts this weekend, but that's okay.  As I observed in Minnesota, some years the earth wakes up the same way I do.  She kicks off the covers, then decides, "no, not yet" and pulls them back up again a few times before she's just so awake that she can't hide undercover anymore.

From the cowardice that rejects new truth,
From the laziness that settles for half truth,
From the arrogance that claims all truth,
Deliver me, O Lord of Truth.

I've been watching Oprah again.  Of course, today, being Tuesday, meant she had Dr. Phil on to analyze and counsel.  I had read the description of Dr. Phil's new book Self Matters and decided not to buy it because it seemed so much like the book that I already had.  But, I've changed my mind. 

He's been talking about the ways that we talk to ourselves and the way that our "self-talk" tapes shape our lives.  This is not a new message.  I used to work in Adolescent Psychology and we had all kinds of exercises designed to improve the "self-talk" that these kids engaged in.  What's new, is my own sense of need for the message.  Before *I* was the counsellor and for some reason it never occurred to me to check my own tapes.

Watching him this afternoon I found myself in tears as I recognized myself in some of the volunteers who agreed to discuss their own "self-talk."  One of the volunteers, a beautiful young woman, discussed the way that her self-talk sabotaged her amility to form intimate relationships.  On the surface she had everything going for her.  She's beautiful, intelligent, and successful in her career.  But, she described feeling a lot of pain from her lack of intimacy.

To make a long story short.  She had a self-tape that said that people who are vulnerable and make mistakes are weak and despicable.  So whenever her relationships began to approach the level of intimacy that requires vulnerability, she threw up all kinds of defenses.  Specifically, she began to compete to prove that she was more beautiful, more intelligent, more successful until she drove the person away.

I was already feeling a little raw because of the Colorgenics Quiz yesterday.  I did not like seeing that line that "I may not be right, but I'm never wrong."  I recognize that in myself, and I also recognize that as a barrier to real truth and understanding.  I've had 24 hours to meditate on the implications of that statement.  I realize that it reveals me to be a fearful person.  I'm afraid of being "stupid."

Somewhere I got the idea that "stupid" people are less worthy than "regular" people.  I don't know where I got it.  Maybe that scene in Junior High where I made a mistake and people laughed at me.  Or maybe it's because I've fought depression at different times in my life and one of the ways that depression manifests itself in my life is to make me "stupid."

I don't want to go through the litany of painful relationships I'm struggling with at the moment.  But suffice it to say that even though I'm not trying to find a life partner like the woman on Oprah, I can totally relate to her battle.  As soon as I start to feel a little vulnerable, I pull out all the stops to prove that I'm not vulnerable.  My most powerful weapon against weakness is confidence in my ability to reason.  Unfortunately, the use of reason as a weapon doesn't get me anything like the result I'm hoping for.  I wind up alienating friends because I can never allow myself to be wrong.  In fact I'm worse than that.  I can't even admit that I have unanswered questions.  An unanswered question suggests that I don't have all the truth, and with only a partial truth what confidence can I have in my decisions?

I love the prayer that I opened this blog with.  I've never thought of myself as conceited, just convinced.  But as the prayer says, anyone who claims to have ALL the truth is really just displaying arrogance.

Okay, you may be thinking now that you can see through all this false humility.  After all, how much of an issue is this if I can reveal it to all the Internet.  Well, you see, you guys are safe.  I'm not on the phone with my friend who hasn't spoken to me in a week.  I'm being vulnerable to people who will leave me eprops and encouraging comments.  Not much risk in that.  I have an agreement with my siblings that what we write on Xanga pretty much stays there unless the author brings it up.  That leaves us free to post about genital piercings without worry that it will be a dinner topic at the next family reunion.  So, by writing my feelings on Xanga, I've entered a "safe zone."

Dr. Phil ended with a warning.  We aren't always wrong in our negative predictions of how people will react to us.  When they are used to interacting with us in one way and we switch gears, even when the change is good they tend to resist.  (That is the issue with my silent friend.)  Dr. Phil said that we need to prepare ourselves by repeating that, "I may get hurt, but I'm strong, I can handle it."  I may need to go and chant that mantra for a while.  I don't feel very strong and I'm not handling my hurt very well.  I have all kinds of doubts about my worth as a person and a friend that are being reinforced in this process of sorting things out.

I think I have a partial solution to my problem of trying to get out to read all the great sites that I enjoy.  I probably did this all wrong when I was new to Xanga and I haven't changed anything since I originally set up my site.  I'm going to unsubscribe from the people who are on my SIR list and ALSO members of the blogrings that I read.  I haven't utilized the blogrings effectively because I SUBSCRIBED to the members of the blogring.  So if my name disappears from your subscriber list, please don't be deceived.  I'm not abandoning my favorite sites.  I have not gone crazy, no need to call the doctors.  I'm just reading from a different format.  (At this point my SIR list is close to 200 people - drastic action is necessary.)

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share .But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously..and you so are right in so doing so... You are a very sensitive person - You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything .... but be careful not to take too many risks. You need a friend - a close friend ... and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance .. and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be some-what argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce your chances of prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship. You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress...You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity, as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be "I may not always be right but I am never wrong". You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other persons point of view may be right you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong... You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from a close and harmonious relationship.

I don't know what to say.  Some of this could have been based upon recent conversations I've had with friends and family.   I don't know, when I read this I felt like my privacy had been invaded.  So I don't know if I can recommend this particular quiz, but if you're feeling brave . . . . it's at Colorgenics.com.

Family Life -

"Tucker, why did you bite Michael?"

"I knew he was going to hit me."

"What made you think he was going to hit you?!"

"He always hits me when I bite him."

I had to remind Tim of the story his Mom loves to tell.  When Tim was a small child there was a neighbor kid who used to regularly bite him.  One day as they were watching the two kids play the parents were surprised to see Tim lean over and bite the othe kid for no apparent reason.  When they questioned him, he told them "But, he looked like he was thinking about biting me."

*************************

My husband has magic in his fingers.  There is all kinds of magic in the world, the magic of commitment, the magic of confidence, the magic of generosity, and the magic of laughter.  Tim holds the magic of delight in his finger tips.  I don't know how he does it. 

He has the power to divert children from their bickering and make grown-ups ask "how'd he do that?".  This evening he demonstrated for me a new "trick" he's learned.  While we were sitting at the table talking, he casually started toying with a piece of paper.  I didn't notice that he ever broke eye contact during our conversation.  Then he said, "Hey, look at this."  When I looked down at his palm, he had folded a perfect little ballcap.

Little kids are just weird.

Tucker came through the dining room earlier pushing a car loaded down with little people.  He crashed into the trashcan and they were flung all over the "road".  He interrupted the shrieks and screams of the injured to say - "I told you to take the bus."

Meditation

I practice Christian meditation.  I like to make it clear what kind of meditation I practice because most people are more familiar with Eastern meditation.  Eastern meditation is the practice of stilling your mind and emptying it of thought.  The point of Eastern meditation is to move beyond the self, in fact to understand that self is an illusion.  I don't want to seem as though I denigrate this type of meditation, on the contrary I think it is a valuable spiritual tool.

Christian meditation goes beyond emptiness to disciplined relationship with God.  The Christian perspective affirms the self.  Self is changed in every encounter with God.   In fact that's the point of Christian meditation, adjustment of self to better relate to God.  The paradox is that the adjustment comes not from an effort of our will, but from a Divine encounter.

Some days I meditate on a specific verse of the Bible or on a particular aspect of living the faith.  When the distractions of noise, hurry, or crowd arise, I return to the state of stillness, then begin again.  If you haven't practiced meditation before because you thought that was just something that New Age mystics did, you're missing out on a tradition that goes back to the Old Testament saints.  There have been wonderful examples set for us in the lives of Christians through the millennia and some of them have left written accounts that help us to understand the discipline that enabled them to routinely encounter God.

In today's church I think the strongest tradition of meditation may be found among the Quakers.  Alexander Whyte, Brother Lawrence, and Thomas Kelly all have given us wonderful books dscribing the subject.  In addition the Medieval saints Julian of Norwich, Teresa of Avila, Peter of Celles, and Thomas a Kempis have much to say that directly addresses the issues of contemporary Christian life and meditation. 

A Benedictine monastery near where I live is sponsoring a retreat this Spring on "Praying Without Words" that I hope to attend.  I expect that will benefit both my prayer and my meditation practice.  One of the things you may note is that though I grew up and have membership in a "Protestant Evangelical" church, I like to read and study what people from different faith traditions have to say about the Christian disciplines.

In fact, if I could convince everyone I know to read just one book this year, it would be Richard Foster's Stream's of Living Water in which he explains and discusses the various faith traditions.  I read it last year for the first time, and learned a great deal that helped me to appreciate some Christian brothers and sisters whom I'd previously regarded as .... well .... nuts.

He has some great stuff in there that's worth meditating upon.

Truth –

Why I Love My Dog

1. She never complains that she gets the broken pretzels.
2. She doesn't try to get on the keyboard while I type (unlike a certain cat I could name.)
3. She plays nicely with my kids.  (see the part about the above mentioned cat.)
4. She is so excited to see me that she does back flips.  (Okay, that could be because I give her treats)

As I'm sitting here surfing the internet, Simone is lying in a patch of warm sunshine just a couple feet away from my right foot.  I know without testing that if I stand up, so will she.  She doesn't get under my feet, but she stays right at my side as I move through the house.  This is amazing to me.  I'm one of those disorganized people who cannot carry a letter from the door to my desk without getting distracted a dozen times and making multiple trips from one side of the house to the other.  But she never gives up, she just makes those trips with me.  That's cool.

The Florida Report

Well, I'm home again.  Rats!  Yes, a trip to Flordia in January is a dream vacation that I've wanted to take for years.  Having done it, I'm definitely planning to do it again.  But, I'm changing my dates a little.  I loved havign the beach pretty much to myself.  I didn't do any skinny dipping, even in Florida the water gets a little cool for that kind of thing in January.  But, I did walk along the edge of the surf and get my feet wet.

Most of the entertainments along the beach were closed for off season.  That was a bummer.  I didn't think it was too cold for miniature golf or a fishing trip into the Gulf (I didn't want to fish, but a ride on a boat sounded good.)  Unfortunately, the Floridians take their vacations in January, so almost every place I tried had a sign that said "Come back the First Weekend of February."  The temperatures ranged from a high of about 60 to a high of 78 while I was there, so I thought it was positiviely balmy.  I was out in shorts greeting locals wearing coats. 

If all you want to do is sit on the beach and read, January is a great time to do that.  I found it necessary to hunt up a cyber cafe for some indoor surfing.  Ponytail man was pretty cute in my eyes.  Oh, my, yes he had a nice "keester" - as DDL requested this information, I didn't want to neglect to pass it on -  I enjoyed talking with him.  I've never met anyone so seriously in need of getting OFF caffeine.  (This guy made Tucker the Tornado look Zenlike by comparison.)  Yet, here he was running a coffee house. 

He extolled the virtues of Mac versus PC, railed against government and the "system," and darkly predicted that one must be careful in bad-mouthing Bill Gates because he could surely have you killed.  In other words, he was a wonderful character for a writer to meet.  And I egged him on to heights of discourse on all manner of topics. 

There were some minor snags on the trip.  My friend ate something that disagreed with her, so we had to stop for an extra day at my In-laws on the way home.  This wasn't bad for me.  I like my in-laws.  It purely wrecked my friend's day though.  Stay way from greasy little Cajun Cafe's no matter how good the stuff tastes! 

We had to switch rooms at the hotel from a really cool loft suite to a standard hotel-type suite.  The air system in the first room was "quirky" - it didn't really care where you set the thermostat.  It took its cue from the weather outside and ran with it.  If there was a warming trend, it went to 90 degrees in our rooms.  If the temp was dropping, it went to 40.  But, that gave me an opportunity to practice my assertiveness skills with "safe" people.  If I blew it, no big loss, these were not close friends to start with.  However, I didn't blow it.  I got us switched to a new room and got a significant discount off the first night of our stay.  Thank you, thank you, (takes a deep bow).

I can't wait to go back.