September 15, 2008
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I get it ...
This summer has made some things really clear to me.
1. I'm going to die. It may not be tomorrow. But it will happen and sooner than I would like it to.
2. Dying is something that I will have to do alone.This summer has been horrible and I'm ready for it to be over, only I'm afraid that the issues uncovered over the past three months are not going to evaporate with the changing of the calendar. I have been really busy with the business of my life. I go to work. I
do the Mom thing. I haven't done things that get me out meeting people and
building friendships.I've met some people here in Albuquerque and I like the people I've met. But it was a real eye opener for me the day that I was in the ER. Yes, it's been two months and I'm still harping on it because it made a huge impression on me. Like the whole past year can be divided into the time before the day I first realized that I really am going to die some day and all the days after that point.
I don't have an urge to go climb mountains, or see Paris, or any of the things I think of as the "I'd like to do this before I die" list. What has become crystal clear to me is that I just want to know that someone who cares about me will there and hold my hand.
I have always assumed I'd be there for my friends holding their hands, taking care of them, doing the kinds of things for them that have to be done when a body is dying. That's what I do. I take care of people. I don't get taken care of. I get it now that I may have been assuming a lot to think that I'd have the privilege of helping and that I wouldn't need to be helped.
Cool Mary has pointed this out to me more than once with some exasperation. I'm really bad at asking for help. And the truth is that most of the time I wish I had help. I've been wishing for it in that same wistful way that I imagine the princesses in the fairy tales wished to be relieved of their sufferings, without any realistic idea that there would be help forthcoming. At the same time I have a fear that I might use up the grace my friends might offer me. So I don't want to ask for something today because I might have a bigger need tomorrow and then where would I be having used it all up today?
I have two powerful forces warring in me now. One - lets call the thinking part of me that's saying, "get out of the house, meet more people, join a book club, do something that will put you in the way of making connections and finding friends who will be there for you." And the other force, let's call it the frightened 9 year old, is saying, "You aren't the kind of person who inspires other people to care about you and the more you try the more you will fail and it's better to just do it yourself than face the pain of disappointment."
I love the city I live in. I enjoy the culture, I'm grateful for the schools taking care of my sons, I'm grateful for my job and the best boss in the world. And in spite of the fact that I'm in the best place I've ever been, that day in the hospital all I could think about was how much I wished I had moved to where Cool Mary lives. It wasn't just frightening to be told by the Dr that my symptoms appeared to be life-threatening. It was horrible to be alone and to know that my sons were at home alone.
It may seem I'm making a mountain of a molehill, because in fact I didn't die. I've done all the things I can think of to be responsible. I have life insurance to cover expenses. I have phone numbers that the kids have memorized and plans for who would be in charge. But I'm not comforted by the thought that someone would eventually be in charge.
Comments (14)
do you have cancer?
You have hit on my biggest fear...being alone and at the mercy of a group of hospital personnel. That and the fear of being stricken at home and unable to call or get help just freaks me out.
@jillcarmel - I'm sorry I was so vague. No, I don't have cancer (as far as I know). Most probably I have nothing more serious than a nasty ulcer. I just don't feel healthy and this bodily weakness has made me aware that sooner or later I will die. I may have 30 years or I may have 3 months and who knows?
Being a single mother I so hear this. This is the way my brain works.all.the.time!
I am glad you are a place you like. I hope you find some support for when you are needing it.
Dear Quiltnmomi, OF COURSE you can attract & keep friends - why do you think you have such a devoted readership? We all think you are so talented, so thoughtful and write so well that we check for your blog every day.
If your present church doesn't give you a feeling of belonging and mattering, you might try to find another one.
You are a blessing and we all appreciate you. Some cheerful virtual hugs headed your way along with admiration.
ok, cause you worried me and I thought I missed something. I saw a plaque this weekend that said,"Be happy,it's later then you think."
being reminded of our mortality can be an energizer. i'm glad you're taking it that way and not being the kind to look at it the wrong way. thanks for reminding us of how important it is to think about these things and not to be blind sided by the fact the time is limited.
Terri, if you aren't the kind of person who attracts people who want to care for you, WHY do you think so many people care about you online? I wish you lived out here. I'd go over to your house, smack you upside the head, then sit down and cry with you. Listen to Proud Mary. Listen to us. You are a worthy and what's more, a wonderful person. You deserve to have a good life. Please allow yourself that.
I came to your two realizations by watching my dad while my mom was in the hospital, and vice versa. Who's going to hold my hand when I have a stroke like Mom and Grandma both did?
The thing to remember (in my case anyway) is that the only way to use up the grace my friends might offer is never to give anything back. Obviously not a problem in your case, since you already tend to be the one who takes care of everybody.
I don't think you're "harping" at all or making a mountain out of a molehill. One of my best friends (who is 52 years old, by the way) had a near death experience a few years ago and it changed her life. She hasn't been to Paris or written a book or anything "huge" (though she did go sky-diving once), but she has changed her life. She's put herself out there. It's something I very much admire about her.
I love the way you write about your desire for/fear of developing friendships. You voiced my sentiments exactly. You are not alone. At least... if I lived a thousand miles closer
, you would surely not be alone.
I totally agree with liriodendron I whine about my church but I'm absolutely positive that if I were in your situation, I would not be alone because of my church family. We have home teachers and visiting teachers who love us and are concerned about our needs. I bet it WAS horrible to be alone and to know your sons were at home alone.
That makes me sad to know. If there is a next time (which I hope there isn't for your sake) you call me and we can at least talk on the phone.
This is just another reason why I need to come read you more often.
I Love You.