January 21, 2008

• Being Healthy, 12 Steps or Less

  Have you ever had cause to consider a 12 step program?  They are so ubiquitous that even if you aren't personally an addict, you probably at least know the first few steps of the path. 

  (I've included a version of the 12 steps below in case you are curious and don't know them.)  The 12 steps were first laid out by Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, some 70 years ago.  I've had opportunity when I was counseling psych patients to attend a number of 12 step meetings - AA, Alanon, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Alateen, ... it seems like there are others but those are the ones I can remember.  In every instance, the groups were gracious enough to allow me in the room even though I wasn't an addict myself. 

  I found much of the material discussed was helpful to my life.  I made sweeping and unfair generalizations based on the things I heard, but they have been helpful in guiding me through some murky areas.  The first generalization I made was that above all mental, emotional, and spiritual health requires that I be honest with myself about myself.  I must look unflinchingly at my motivations and behaviors.  I must be as transparent as possible.  I must not blame anything, chemical or otherwise for choices I've made.

  I haven't had to wrestle with chemical addictions.  (Not because I'm any better than anyone else when it comes to such things, but because I'm simply too cheap.  It's not hard for me to resist something that costs more than I'm willing to spend.  I'll never be an addicted gambler, the mere thought of taking a chance that some game might take my money ... *shudder*). 

  But there's always a temptation to blame some circumstance over which I have no control for my behavior.  I am the hero of my own story, and well, really, if someone gets hurt, it just can't possibly be my fault, right? 

  People do get hurt.  Sometimes by things I've done or said.  I've been a party to several conversations over the past week that have caused me to stop and think about these things.  About where my responsibility to others ends and my responsibility to myself begins.  See an addict only sees things in terms of his responsibility to himself, to his need for the high.  But a healthy person considers both sides and learns to find balance.

  Yesterday there was a rather intense discussion of this principle in my small group meeting after church.  We were considering passages from 1 Corinthians that describe the need to temper our spiritual freedom if the free exercise thereof harms another.  I was reminded of an incident that involved a friend of mine in college.  She was interested in joining a drill team.  But she felt that the uniforms were immodest.  In the end, she did join the drill team because she saw another person, who's moral standards she trusted more than her own, join the team.  But for my friend that was the first of a series of compromises that led her down a path from which she eventually had to undergo a painful recovery. 

  (Isn't it wonderful when you can apply spiritual principles to a friend so you don't have to take too close a look at your own life?) 

  I learned from that negative example.  I learned that I alone am responsible for choosing my moral path and I alone bear the consequences of those choices.

  The second generalization I made was that I am allowed to enjoy my life.  That was was more subtle and it took a little longer for it to grab hold of me.  In fact, up until about ... four years ago ... I didn't have any kind of grasp on this one at all.  I lived as though it were my duty to endure. 

  Isn't that sad? 

  There's a chance that some time after my death I'll find myself resurrected by the grace of God to enjoy an eternity of spiritual bliss in heaven, but I'll be honest, I don't know anyone who's ever been there who could come back to say, "Hey, it's all for real, come on in the water's fine ..." 

  I do believe that the actions we choose on earth have eternal consequences if for no other reason than that the memory of God never fails.  No Alzheimer's, no lack of blueberries in the diet to cloud the essence of what was once upon a time.  If God's going to remember me, I have hope that it will be with some fondness and an occasional chuckle. 

  And not because I got it wrong!  (Can't you see God now looking at hundreds of thousands of priests saying "Celebrate!  Guys, the word was Celebrate ...")

  For God to think back and smile, I think requires that I be willing to enjoy my life.  That comes from the 12 Promises.  They aren't as well known as the 12 steps ... but hey, I think I'll hunt those up and include them too so you can see them below.  Promises are important.  They are so important that in general, I refuse to make a promise.  Anyone who believes that I've made an implied promise is probably mistaken.  I'm deliberate in my avoidance of promises.  I think "let yes be yes and no be no" and I try not to muddy it up.  I'm either going to do it or I'm not.  A promise doesn't make me any more likely to do anything than I was before, and frankly, I think it waters down the significance of the behavior I choose. 

  I don't do things because I've promised to do them, I do them because I choose to invest myself in making it happen.  I do things that increase my happiness, and as a by product, I've noticed that tends to increase the happiness of the people around me.  And here's the kicker, it increases their happiness without making me responsible for their happiness. 

  I can't make anyone but me happy.  And the corollary to that is that I don't have the power to ruin any life but my own.  Oh I can change your life.  I changed Tim's life when I married him and again when I divorced him.  I changed the kids' lives when I moved them to New Mexico.  I changed Miss Eve's life (in a smaller way) when I agreed to accept her as a mentor. 

  Isn't that wonderful?  Isn't that freeing?

  I'm allowed to be happy. 

  With or without you. 

  I don't have to manipulate you to be in my life.  I don't have to persuade you, convince you, beg you, or please you.  Isn't that cool?  I don't have to be approved by you!  I don't have to impress you with my wit or dazzle you with my brilliance.  I don't have to try to love you so much that you will have to love me back. 

  The tenth promise is that fear of economic insecurity will leave ... so I figure I'm on 9 1/2 - not bad. 

  12 Promises

  1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
  2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
  3. We will comprehend the word serenity.
  4. We will know peace.
  5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
  6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
  7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
  8. Self-seeking will slip away.
  9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
  10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
  11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
  12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

  Twelve Steps
  1. Admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. That a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3, Made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to God as we understand God.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends.
  9. Made direct amends wherever possible except where to do so would cause harm to others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve out contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carry this message to other addicts, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

  • 10:54 pm
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