January 23, 2008

• Making Right

  So my sister has a problem.  It's pretty serious too.  She gets confused about whichof her kids is where.  So when the school called and told her that her son had a fever, she dutifully grabbed her keys, slid her feet into her sneakers and headed out with her purse and her cell phone. 

  Fifteen minutes later, looking into the puzzled expression on her son's face, she realized the awful truth.  She'd picked up the wrong kid.  Now she has a serious dilemma.  Does she take the well kid back to school?  Or just quietly pick up the feverish one and slink home with the matched set. 

  Obviously it was more logical to slink.  Well, and use the cell phone to call me and tell me what had happened. 

  Cheryl isn't in a 12 step program, but somehow she manages to turn up all kinds of interesting issues for consideration.

  The Next Steps

  After you figure out that you have a problem and admit that you are powerless over it, the fun part of any 12 step program is over.  I know a lot of people get hung up on that whole admitting they have a problem thing, but I stand by my conviction that this is the easy thing to do.  After all, if you're powerless, it's not your fault.

  Spent all the rent money on lottery tickets, I'm powerless, it's not my fault.  Ate your way through a four pound box of donuts?  You were powerless, it's not your fault.  Drank an entire bottle of wine, and then another and another and then you passed out and missed work for three days and lost your job?  Hey, you're powerless, what could they expect. 

  That powerless thing, if that were all there were to it, is a great place to be. 

  The problem is that all the rest of the steps are about accepting responsibility for your (my) behavior. And that's not so fun.  Let's sit down and make a fearless and searching moral inventory.  You lied to your boss?  It goes on there.  You lied on your taxes?  It goes on there.  You stole money from your parents?  Oh, yeah, that goes on there.  How about you used a person for sex knowing that you didn't care about them and had no intention of ever being vulnerable to them or pursuing a relationship?  It goes on the list.  You abused your family?  Kicked your dog?  Started a trillion dollar war?  Add it to the list. 

  And the list isn't the end of it either.  After you make your list you have to read it, out loud, to another human being. 

  Even that isn't the worst.  Most people confess to their sponsor who already kind of knows what a sorry human being they are because the sponsor has been there and done all those same things. 

  The really hairy part comes when you hit step 9, Baby that's where the rubber meets the road.  At that point you are charged where ever possible to make amends.  That friend that you lied to?  Told him that you loved him and slept with him, got his heart, and then abused your position for some gain?  Now's the time when you have to face yourself and face him and say, "I'm sorry."

  You say it without any expectation that he's going to say back, "It's okay, I know you didn't mean it."  Because the confession is that you DID mean it.  You meant to get that person to the point that out of affection for your sorry self, they paid your bills, drove you places, let you move into their home, and gave you free use of their body when you had no intention of ever giving back to them in anything like an equal exchange. 

  When you betrayed trust, lied, stole, abused, used, degraded, treated the people in your life as though they were your servants or your furniture there solely for your pleasure and convenience without regard for their feelings, their property, or the impact of your behavior on their lives, you were the only person responsible for your choices and you have to make it right. 

  Sometimes, you can't make it right.  Sometimes the person you harmed has moved on, rebuilt a life without you.  And merely seeing you again can stir up old hurts, can negatively impact their new relationships, can cause harm.  Under those circumstances, the only amends you can make is to recognize that while you were wrong to treat them dishonorably in the first place, it would make the wrong greater to treat them again as a means to your end. 

  People don't exist for your pleasure to begin with and they don't owe it to you to make themselves available for you to work out your redemption when you crash and burn.

  If is is beneficial to your victim to hear your apology, make it.  But if you know that your victim doesn't want to hear it or see you, if you know that the hurt was great or there's a possibility that you might make it worse, you have to live with the fact that you can't make it right. 

  Anyone wanna make a mad dash back to the relatively pleasant territory of admitting that you are powerless over your addiction? 

  What about those of us who aren't battling an addiction?  What does this all mean to us?  It means that we have just as great a responsibility to be aware of our wrongdoings.  We all screw up.  All of us.  We break a date with our friend because something else came up.  We talk bad about our boss behind his back (except for my best friend who really does have the best boss in the world).  We yell at our kids.  Or we make our kids dependent upon us.  Or we ... lie about our taxes.

  To be healthy people, we have to make it right.  When the clerk gives back too much change, we return it to her.  When we take a cart from the grocery store, we put it in the rack so it doesn't create a hazard for the next customer.  When we betray a trust, we apologize and we don't do it again. 

  Its hard for me to see myself as other people see me.   I'm the hero of my own story, so I think that the things I do are understandable, forgiveable and most of the time, they are at least amusing if not down right admirable.  Because in my story, I'm not only taller and beautiful, I'm funny and kind. 

  The truth may be that I dominate conversations, I focus too much on myself and my own problems, I fail to appreciate the good qualities of my boss, and let my kids eat frozen pizza.

  Some things are easily made right.  Some things can never be mended.  A wise, mature, healthy person learns how to figure it out and prays for serenity to accept whichever circumstances are left after everything is said and done.

  God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
  Courage to change the things I can,
  and Wisdom to know the difference.
  

   

  • 2:55 am
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