June 29, 2002

• Speaking Love as a Family

  
  

  I think this will be that last of the posts (4 altogether) on Dr. Chapman's Love Languages book.  I'm glad that so many people have enjoyed it enough to comment and ask questions.

  
  

  When children are little, it's almost impossible to determine their love language, so the best strategy is to love them in a variety of ways.  By the time they are around 7 years old they begin to demonstrate a preference.  It's crucial for parents to identify and deliberately love children in their language, because as kids enter their teen years the single greatest "weapon" parents have to guard their child against unwelcome influences is the ability to fill that child's emotional tank.  Many well-meaning and loving parents are hurt and bewildered as their relationship with a child grows cooler while the child turns to peers for support and influence.  Dr. Chapman's extraordinary claim is that in families where the parents speak love in the child's primary language, this is much less likely to be the norm.

  
  

  Because I've already recapped the five love languages, in this summary I'd like to give the other side - the negatives of the love languages, as a means of balancing the picture (all these apply in your relationship with your lover as well - but seem to be especially important with children.)

  
  

  Words of Encouragement - When children are little it seems that we offer many words of encourgement, "You have such a pretty smile, way to go! Look, honey, our baby learned to do ____ today!"  But, as the child ages all to often our encouragement turns to condemnation.  We enter the child's room and see 12 toys on the floor so we ask Johnny to put away his toys.  Ten minutes later seven are in the box when we come back.  Do we say, "Hey, great you got seven toys in the box already!" or do we say "I told you to pick up your toys!  You either finish the task or ....."
      To a person with words of encouragement as a primary or secondary love language, negative, critical, or demeaning words strike terror in the psyche.  It's never perceived as "constructive criticism" by this person, because words go to the heart of this person's ability to feel loved, accepted and valued.  A parent (like me) who wants to tell the kid straight out, this is not acceptable behavior, has to be especially careful to make sure that we distinguish between rejecting bad behavior and rejecting the child.
        I realized that my son, Michael, was feeling rejected by the way I was correcting him, so I changed to a formula (hey, don't knock it, it helped me remember the point of what I was trying to do) - "Michael, you are so helpful to me, I know that you didn't realize that putting your puzzle in the dining room would block my path."  That puzzle gets moved in record time, whereas, "Michael, you put your puzzle in my path.  I want you to move it" got the puzzle moved, but Michael was hearing "Hey you dumb kid, didn't you realize that you were setting up your puzzle in a bad spot."

  
  

  Quality Time - This means giving a child your undivided attention.  Get down on the floor and play a game, dig in the sandbox, build a skyscraper, or toss that ball.  Many adults looking back on childhood don't remember what their parents said, but they do remember what their parents did "My dad never missed a ballgame." 

  
  

  Gift Giving - Many parents and grandparents speak the language of gift giving excessively.  They buy things they wish they had received when they were children.  But, unless this is the child's primary language, the gift doesn't contribute much toward filling that child's love tank.  if giftrs are quicly laid aside, not cared for, not prized, chances are "gift giving" isn't that child's love language.  On the other hand, if your child shows a lot of gratitude, shows off the gift to others, and takes care of it, that's a child who speaks the language of gift giving.  With the person who sees gifts as love, it isn't the cost of the gift that matters.  It's truly "the thought that counts."  To the person with gift giving as a love language, a gift says "I was thinking about you, I was interested in bringing you something that would please you, I paid attention to your likes and dislikes."

  
  

  Physical Touch and Closeness - Does your teenager come up behind you and grab you, trip you when you walk through the room, mess up your hair, push your arm as you walk together?  When children are small we hug, kiss, pat, hold hands etc.  As children who feel love through touch become teens - especially boys - they may shy away from hugging and kissing and particularly around their friends.  But, they still need touch from their parents.

  
  

  Acts of Service - Parents do so many acts of service for their children that it is difficult to determine when this has special meaning for a particular child.  From the time they are born we bathe, feed, clothe, chauffeur, pack luches and help with homework.  Such things are taken for granted by many children but for others they are expressions of love.  The best way to know that acts of service speaks love to a child is if you see that child performing acts of service for others as an expression of caring.  If your child is constantly offering to help you, or asking for your "help" this is another strong clue that working together on the science project isn't so much about the grade, as it is about that child feeling loved.

  
  

  Once children are old enough to understand, talk to them about love languages and make it a family game to teach members to speak love to each other in the language that the recipient responds to best.

  
  

  One More Book - I'm not going to give the fine details of Dr. Chapman's book The Five Signs of a Loving Family, but I highly recommend it as one of the more useful books I've encountered in all my reading and studying of various parenting ideas.  In this book he discusses An Attitude of Service, Intimacy Between Husband and Wife, Parents Who Teach and Train, and Children Who Obey and Honor Parents as the first four signs of a loving family.  His last category is one that I think is poorly labeled.  He calls it Husbands Who are Loving Leaders - but when I read these chapters, I realized that he doesn't describe a traditional male "head of the household" role for fathers.  I think this category would have been better labeled "Parental Partnership."  He talks about ways that both husbands and wives step up to the plate to take responsibility for their families, and ways they each support the other in the crucial role of partnership.  He uses traditional language and terminology, but he uses the terms to mean slightly different concepts than what I'm used to seeing them refer to.  This made the final section of the book a little more work as I had to ask often, "what did he mean by that." 
       The book is punctuated by wonderful poems written by Dr. Chapman's adult son, looking back on his experiences growing up in the Chapman family.  The style is easy and the advice is practical.  It's available online from your favorite bookseller, or can be found through most libraries.

  • 10:17 am
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