June 28, 2002

• Q and A

  
  

  I got a really good email asking me some questions about the Love Languages blog I posted earlier today.  So I'm posting that email here with my answers in hopes that if anyone else had questions, this will be helpful.  In summarizing Dr. Chapman's work, I've left out a LOT of detail in regard to the languages.  I think its sheer fun to practice Love Langauges and I'm excited that you guys seem to be enjoying this as much as I do. 

  
  

  >>> In your Xanga blog, you describe how a person should overcome their own dislike for an activity and do it anyway just because that activity fits in with the spouse's love language.
  
  >>>Therefore, if Lucy really likes receiving gifts, and Ricky doesn't 'get it' (say, his love language is words of encourage, not buying bonbons) but goes out of his way to buy her a gift, he has overcome his dislike for gifting... Which doesn't come naturally to him... In order to satisfy her love language.
  
  >>> But I don't get the example you use in the blog.

  
  

  Just because a person gets his love tank filled through acts of service doesn't mean that all acts of service come naturally to that person.  The thing about acts of service as a love language is that the action has to be meaningful to the recipient in order to qualify as speaking the love language.  Say Tim naturally enjoys changing light bulbs.  He comes home every night and goes through the house checking all the bulbs to see if one needs changed.  Unless that somehow has meaning for me, then it isn't an 'act of service'.  He's meeting his own need to change the light bulb, not mine.

  
  

  The reason that painting the wall was an act of love was because he knew that it was something that I specifically wanted to get done, and he did it FOR ME.

  
  

  >>> Isn't the point you were trying to convey that we should transcend the love language categories we prefer in order to satisfy the needs of the other person?
  
  That's not the exactly point I intended to make - what I was trying to say was that whether it comes "naturally" or not, we have to "speak" the langauge that's meaningful to our partner.  And because we humans recognize when someone is extending a great effort, we tend to feel more loved if we realize that the other person when "above and beyond" to express love. 

  
  

  >>> So wouldn't a better example be if Tim took an afternoon off for the sole purpose of giving you a massage or something like that?
  
  Only if he knew that I really wanted a massage.  Just because physical touch and closeness is my primary language doesn't meant that's the only language that makes me feel loved.  I like massage and I'd be thrilled if he did that.  But, I'd be just as thrilled if he cuddled next to me on the couch while we watched tv. 

  
  

  The Book: The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman is available through Barnes and Noble Online (which I like because if you order two or more books you get FREE shipping).

  • 1:47 pm
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