June 20, 2002

• I Just Called To Say . . .

  
  

  Have you ever had this experience?  You set the stage perfectly, the candles are lit, the wine is chilled, the massage oils are warmed.  Your spouse arrives home from work, you greet him with a kiss and a twinkly eye.  Surprise, the kids are at Grandma's for the weekend.

  
  

  Oh, it seems like everything is perfect.  He says "Whoo, hooo, let me change my clothes."  While he's changing his clothes he gets the idea that he should throw his stuff in the washer instead of leaving it on the floor.  When he goes to the laundry room he notices a bulb needs to be changed, so he takes care of that.  When he gets into the closet to get the bulb, he realizes there's a loose shelf.  A couple hours later the candles are just puddles of wax, the wine is warm and the oil is cool as the reception he gets when he finally shows up.

  
  

  He can't figure why you're so upset, after all, he was doing all that stuff FOR YOU.  You are sitting there thinking why, oh, why, did I marry this moron?

  
  

  Dr. Gary Chapman answers this question as well as the question of how to communicate in a way that your spouse will understand in his book The Five Love Langauges.  Most of us have been enculturated to think of love as a feeling.  I'd encourage you for just a moment to think of love not as a feeling but as a choice, a commitment.  When we choose to love in the language of our spouse, we don't necessarily perform that action out of the warm fuzzies in our heart.  Regardless of whether you feel anything when you choose to speak your spouse's language, the point is that the spouse will get it.  Speaking your spouse's langauge can help heal past wounds and provide a sense of security, self-worth, and significance.

  
  

  In the exaggerated example above the wife in the scenario has a primary love language of "physical touch and closeness" - to her every touch says "I Love you", and lack of touch is painful.  The husband in that scenario has a primary love language of "acts of service."  To that man, love means action.  The action of serving his loved one, or being served by her.  If she irons his shirt before a big meeting, it isn't just a routine household chore to him, he feels that as an act of love.

  
  

  The more frequently we communicate love in the language that our spouse hears, the more loved our spouse will feel.  It's that easy.  Instead of a mere review of Dr. Chapman's book, I will summarize the five love languages along with methods for identifying your language AND the language of your spouse.  I hope you will play along with me, speaking love to your spouse, children, friends and family is great fun.  Imagine the looks on their faces when you begin to speak to them in their language!

  • 8:56 am
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