June 21, 2002

• Learning the Language

  
  

  Have you ever been in a foreign place where the language or accent of those around you was unfamiliar?  The sounds of conversation recede into background noise.  Then you hear a voice speaking in your language or accent.  Your head whips around and you zero in on the speaker.

  
  

  In our relationships, we often try to communicate love but experience frustration when our partner doesn't respond as we hope.  Or, we wonder why the same person who seemed so loving in the beginning doesn't make us feel loved anymore.  It's more than probable that we are in relationships with people who speak a different love language.

  
  

  Tim and I speak entirely different love languages.  His primary langauge is gift giving.  For the first several years of our marriage he was often frustrated with me.  He'd bring me a little treat or a special card and I responded with suspicion.  I thought he was trying to bribe me to do something.  Worse, I complained about the money he "wasted" on things I "didn't need."

  
  

  My primary love language is physical touch and closeness.  I touch, hug, kiss, squeeze, tickle, touch, and touch and touch.  Tim tends to be a little bit claustrophobic.  So I wound up chasing him around for hugs and cuddles and he felt squeezed and trapped.  He didn't speak my language, and I didn't understand his.

  
  

  In the Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman identifies:

  
  

  
  
  • Gift Giving
    
  • Physical Touch and Closeness
    
  • Acts of Service
    
  • Quality Time
    
  • Words of Encouragement

  
  

  Two kinds of people have the most difficulty in determining their primary love lanuage.  A person with a full love tank and a partner who shows love in a variety of ways may not know which of these ways make him feel most loved.  Or the person whose love tank has been empty for so long that he is starving for any expression of affection can't say what would mean the most because he needs it all.  But there are ways around these obstacles.

  
  

  If you aren't certain what your primary love language might be, think about the things that your lover doesn't do that hurt your feelings.  Or what do you most often request of your spouse?  The thing you most often ask for is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.  In what way do you express love to your spouse?  Your method of expressing love is also probably what you need to receive in order to feel loved..

  
  

  Dr. Chapman suggests that you play the Love Tank game.  A couple times a week for three or four weeks, when you come home, one of you says to the other, "On a scale of 0 (empty) to 10 (couldn't hold another drop) how full is your love tank tonight?"  After the emotional reading is taken, ask "What could I do to fill your tank tonight?"  Then repeat the process in the reverse order so that you both have the opportunity to get your love tanks filled.  Make a list of your requests and over time you will see a strong indication of your primary love language.

  
  

  For a jumpstart to identification of your love language, try this quiz.  Read the following five groups of statements and rank them in order of most appreciated (5) down to least appreicated (1).

  
  

  Group 1

  
  

  A __ Your lover says "You did a greta job on that.  I'm impressed."
  B __ Your lover unexpectedly does something in or aroudn the house that you appreciate.
  C __ Your love brings you a surprise treat from the store.
  D __ Your lover invites you to go on a leisurely walk just to chat.
  E __ Your lover makes a point to embrace and kiss you before leaving the house.
  
  Group 2

  
  

  A __ Your lover tell you how much he or she appreciates you.
  B __ Your lover volunterres to do the dishes while you relax.
  C __ Your lover brings you flowers, or serves your favorite dinner just because.
  D __ Your lover invites you to sit down and talk about your day.
  E __ Your lover hugs you even when just passing by room to room.

  
  

  Group 3
  
  A __ Your lover during a party shares about a recent success you had.
  B __ Your lover cleans out/washes your car.
  C __ Your lover surprises you with an unexpected gift.
  D __ Your lover surprises you with a special afternoon trip.
  E __ Your lover holds your hand as you walk through the mall, or stands by your side with an arm around your shoulder at a public event.

  
  

  Group 4

  
  

  A __ Your lover praises you about one of your special qualities.
  B __ You lover bring you breakfast in bed.
  C __ Your lover surprises you with a membership to something you've been wanting.
  D __ Your lover plans a special night for the two of you.
  E __ Your lover asks to accompany you or drive you while you do errands just so you can be together.

  
  

  Group 5

  
  

  A __ Your lover tells you how much his or her friends appreciate you.
  B __ Your lover takes the time to fill our the long complicated applications that you had hoped to get to this evening.
  C __ Your lover sends you something special through the mail.
  D __ Your lover kidnaps you for lunch and takes you to your favorite restaurant.
  E __ Your lover gives you a massage.

  
  

  Total your scores

  
  

  A _____  (Words of Encouragement/Affirmation)
  B _____  (Acts of Service)
  C _____  (Gift-giving)
  D _____  (Quality time)
  E _____  (Physical Touch and Closeness)

  
  

  Tomorrow I'll wrap up this book report with information on what to do if your lover's primary love language isn't something that comes "naturally" to you.  And an introduction to another of Dr. Chapman's works, The Five Signs of a Loving Family.

  • 9:28 am
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