You know, I really want a house. 

I've been to three different mortgage companies in the past three weeks.  I've been approved for a mortgage with all three of them.  And in the process I've been told my interest rate would range from a low of 5.85 to a high of 6.65.  That's a pretty huge difference. 

I've been pushed and prodded in the direction of different things that I know are not in my best interest.  I've been told things that are blatantly not true, some things that are questionable, and a few things that I might be able to count on since they are printed on company letterhead. 

For example, I was told by one person that unless I put down 30% I would have to pay Private Mortgage insurance - not true, as of today it's a LAW that lenders can't make you pay it from the get go if you have 20% down and if you are paying it yourself they have to stop requiring it when you reach 22% equity. - Unless it's FHA, or the PMI is paid by the lender and don't EVEN get me started on what a bad idea that is for the buyer. 

The woman across the desk from me today also told me "in the 18 years I've been in this business, the highest rate I've ever locked in was 7% and the lowest was right at 5%, mortgage rates just don't change that much."  This after telling me that on her first house she had a rate of 8.25 and on her current house she got a really sweet deal at 4.75.  (On my first home loan the interest rate was 7.75 so it's not like I believed her about the rates not changing.)

This whole house thing could make me really cranky. 

It's no wonder that so many people got pushed into mortgages that they didn't understand and couldn't afford.  The people selling mortgages start adding, subtracting, refiguring, reconsidering, and ... it's enough to make a sane person say forget it, just give me a paper to sign. 

I think the truth is that people will tell me whatever they think I need to hear in order to get me to sign on their dotted line. 

So for yet another night, I'm back at home with my money safely sitting in my bank account and still seeming no closer to a house than I was three years ago when I was waiting tables and grateful if I had an extra $30 to put in my bank account. 

I know that many of my newer readers weren't here for those days, so to catch you up on the history, I was waiting tables, struggling to pay the rent and buy groceries, and when my savings account reached a balance of $500 I was so grateful that I cried and we all celebrated (by not spending any money!). 

I want a room of my own.  I want a home that's mine, that no one can take away from me.  I want to know that when I'm 70 years old, I won't be the little old woman with my oxygen tank standing in the Walmart entrance greeting you so that I can get my check and pay my $5000 a month rental bill and say grace over the catfood that's all I can afford to eat with the remainder.  (Although, with my current health care and insurance situation I guess maybe I shouldn't worry so much about being 70 ...)

On the other hand, I had a really GREAT hair day.  I got no phone calls from the school.  I still have a job.  I had a lovely lunch.  I have a friend who came with me to meet the mortgage person this afternoon to keep me from being overwhelmed by it all and to give me moral support.  I don't have to wait tables tonight.  My kids are safe.  My cat is fat.  Life could be a lot worse. 

... the pep talk didn't work.  I'm still feeling kind of bummed.  I want the house.

  I really like my new haircut, I just hope I can remember how to style it tomorrow or I'm going to look really funny ...

There was an article on MSN today that said that women with "overly arched" eyebrows and full lips looked "unnatural" and were  signs of having undergone cosmetic surgery.  With this close up you can see clearly that I haven't done any such thing in spite of the arching. The wrinkled forehead and big nose totally give it away. 

The hairdresser today kept saying, "your hair really shines, it looks so healthy!"  That was good to hear.  Especially since it hasn't been that long since it looked tired, distressed and over-processed.  Thank God for vitamins. 

Tucker tooke the photos and I had a hard time schooling my expression, he kept cracking me up.  On one (not included above) he had zoomed in so close you could see the fillings in my teeth.  (The same article said that a sharp jawline in a woman over 40 was just wrong.  As you can see, my "lines" are nothing approaching "sharp")

I had my hair done.

Six inches off the back.

Darkened.

Straightened.

I'm a hot little Momma.

Next ... a pedicure.

Do you ever wake up with a song in your head?  You're not sure how it got there but it's set up camp and made itself at home and all day long you think that song?  Hum it when you aren't thinking about keeping it quiet?  And it leaks out around the edges of everything you do?

Yesterday afternoon Tucker held himself a little Weird Al fest in the living room and you'd think that I'd have been infected with one of his tunes - but no - I woke up with this:

What Your Feet Say About You:

You are pretty average in your expressiveness. You can express yourself well, but you don't always want to. You are a somewhat passionate person. A few things get you very fired up, but you're usually pretty laid back. You are an assertive person at times. You'll pull out all the stops to get what you want, if it's worth it. You take a while to fall in love, but once you do, you stay pretty attached to your partner. You are not afraid of anything. You are brave and courageous, even when most people would be terrified. You are intellectual and philosophical. You are more concerned with thoughts than action. You are an amazingly hard worker. You aren't spoiled and you don't mind getting your hands dirty. You are not easily influenced by other people. You hold your ground and are true to your beliefs.

From poetry's possible home,
to the human wild a dusty path,
often walked a little way
becomes steep, rocky and dark. 
Few complete the journey 
all forget they tried. 

All I know of word and sound
is eclipsed by the waving 
lavendar outside.

I've been notified that the company I applied with for medical coverage has declined to cover me.  So, it doesn't really matter that my boss is willing to pay.  I should be getting a letter in a week to ten days stating the reason they denied my coverage. 

I'm sure I'll feel better once I get that information.

Not.

Okay, most of you who've been reading here for a while know that I have two major concerns.  One of those two got answered this morning.  Wanna play three guesses?  Nah, that would be tedious. 

My boss called and told me that I've been approved for medical insurance.  I've been a particularly difficult case due to the fact that I'm working long distance, the company they have used for other management doesn't provide services where I live.

So I did the research, found a plan that's affordable and provides me with the access to medical care I need.  And this morning I got the green-light.  I'm enrolling today and my coverage is effective May 1.  All I have to do is avoid contracting something expensive for the next nine days and I'm good to go. 

Ain't life GOOD!!!!

Last week, by the time the kids were ready to leave for church, church was already starting and we live 30 minutes away.  I had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for them, and they took advantage of this to move at half speed. 

This week, I woke them a few minutes earlier than usual, I have reminded them, I have scolded them, and I have pleaded for them to get ready.

We should have left five minutes ago.

Tucker is wearing nothing but underpants as we speak. 

*sigh*

Last night I dreamt I was shopping for bacon.  The thickest, leanest, pinkest, prettiest bacon I'd ever seen.  Just dreaming about it made my tastebuds sit up and beg.  I knew - just knew - looking at it that it would cook up to that perfect crisp tender state that makes a mouth want to cry with pleasure. 

**********

Tucker had a rough week at school, punctuated by some spectacular high notes.  He came home on Wednesday and said that he wanted to write a report just for fun.  He got on the laptop and googled - my BABY was GOOGLING!  I'm so proud.  So anyway, he googled e-coli and wrote a report.  Yes, it included the list of symptoms he mysteriously experiences whenever he doesn't want to do something. 

**********

Michael had a field trip today to the Rio Grande.  I asked him about it. 

He said, "I was hot.  I was sweating.  I think I was even stinking."

I said, "But did you learn anything?"

He said, "Yeah, when you go to see the Rio Grande you get hot, you sweat, and you stink."

"Oh, yeah, and we were supposed to look at water creatures that you had to have a microscope to see.  Mine was a water boatman.  One of my classmates had an angel shrimp and that was silly because you could clearly see that without any kind of instrument.  You know, I really shouldn't be expected to remember everything.  I was hot and sweating at the time."

**********

It was warm today.  Not yesterday.  Yesterday it was so cold I was glad I hadn't shaved my legs. 

**********

Living with my phone has become an exercise in tolerance.  It calls random people in my address book with no provocation.  It's just lying on my desk and will suddenly light up and start dialing.  It refuses to show my text messages except when it's in the mood.  When I start to reply to a text message, it will decide that I'm done and "send" halfway through what I meant to say.  The only time it works properly is when I have three people all calling with stressful news at the same time, I can toggle back and forth with no problem whatsoever.  I'd trade it in but I think this experience is good practice for being all Zen like and composed in the face of the teenaged years.  So far, it's looking like a better option would be to anesthetize me with lots of chocolate and whiskey.

**********

Tis the season for sandals and so far, my pedicure is pitiful.  There are rules about these things, you know?

So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me ...   
  
  
The Open Toed Shoe Pledge
 As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes: 
 
I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps. 
 
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.  I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. 
 
I will shave the hairs off my big toe. 
 
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there. 
 
I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him. 
 
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages. 
 
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good. 
 
I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 or 20 and worth EVERY penny). 

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals. 

Well, so I've had a few moments this week of thinking about what's fair and what's unfair in life.  It would be very easy to interpret my present circumstances as "unfair" and allow myself to be caught up in resentment. 

I know that if I were in the same circumstances I'm in now, only four years ago, I'd have had no problem being approved for a loan to get that house I was drooling over.  Well, even today being approved wasn't the problem, my problem was that I'm too aware of my budget to take on a payment I couldn't afford.  Is it unfair that the payment on that house is out of my reach?  Nope.  It is what it is. 

I'll go back to making my deposits, watching the MLS, and biding my time.  Prices may drop, or they may not.  Eventually, if I keep making regular deposits, I'll have enough money put aside to get a house that will meet all our needs.  I'm not unhappy.

The New Earth discussion on Monday evening was all about "who are you?"  One of the fundamental questions of life.  It's one that I had superficially answered years ago, I said that I'm the sum of my experiences. 

Tolle has challenged me to rethink that.  He says that there is something real beneath our experience, beneath our thoughts, beneath the roles we play, beneath all the things that we usually proffer in answer to the question, "who are you?"

I've been thinking back to Psychology 101 and some of the things I learned then about personality.  I'm reminded of a story and a study.  Story first because it's more fun. 

A wealthy man and his wife became parents to twins.  Although they appeared to be identical, they were polar opposites in personality.  One little fellow was always morose, and the other was always exuberant.  So the father approached a famous psychologist and asked how they could be balanced out a little.

The psychologist said, "For the morose little boy, go out and buy the most wonderful, beautiful magical toys available.  Put them in a room.  Before he goes into that room tell him that the way he feels when he sees what is inside waiting for him is the worst he will feel all year.  For the exuberant little fellow, fill a room with manure, and tell him that when he sees what is inside his room the way he feels will be the best that he feels all year."

A week later the father called and told the psychologist he was an idiot.  The morose little boy went into his room and the parents waited for an hour before they went in to check on what they presumed would be a very happy little boy.  When they opened the door, he was sitting just inside, staring at the toys, not playing with anything.  They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "The toys are all beautiful, but you know some of them were touched by other people and have germs, some are delicate and would break, some I'd have to learn to play with.  I just can't enjoy these things."

The parents were disappointed but though well, at least with the other little boy this will have had to make a difference.  When they opened his door, they heard shouts of glee.  He was cheerfully tossing the manure in the air and having a grand old time.  They asked him what on earth he was doing and he responded, "You can't fool me!  Where there's poop there's a pony!"

***** we now interrupt this blog for a Tucker Story ******

Tucker:  "Mom, if we shave my cat, I'll bet he would look just like the carpet, only wrinkled."

***** we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog as it is in progress ******

A number of studies have been done about the factors that influence people's sense of overall happiness or wellbeing.  In some of these studies researchers interviewed a number of people who had significant life events either very good or very bad.  In all cases, immediately after the event: diagnosis of cancer, death of a parent, winning the lottery, or the achievement of a major life goal, the person was significantly more unhappy or happy than usual.  A year later, the persons reported that their overall happiness was about the same as what it was before the "life-changing" event. 

All this suggests two things, first of all how you choose to think and respond to your circumstances is more important than your circumstances.  People faced with the same circumstances and experiences do not become more alike in their personality than they were before they experienced it (you are more than your experiences), and there is something underneath just as Tolle says. 

In The New Earth, Tolle uses a lot of New Age or Spiritual language that has turned some people off.  Some people have responded with suspicion and attempted to discern exactly what his beliefs are so they could judge whether his message is true. I've run across my share of posts here on Xanga vehemently disagreeing with Tolle and Oprah. 

 - okay that was a sarcastic look of shock. 

What's fair?  Is it fair to reject the message because you don't like the messenger?  Is it fair to reject the messenger because you don't like the message?  Is it fair to take a few snippets out of context and judge the whole without reading it?  Maybe it all is what it is. 

I'm making it a point to be gentle with anyone who is revealing the depth of his or her pain-body with harsh and unkind words.  I don't think that Tolle or Oprah would be benefitted if I attempted to defend them.  I'm free to avoid that drama and just be happy. 

I hope you are being happy today.