September 24, 2002
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Dialogue is a Two Way Street
In teaching my children the rules of social interaction I ask them to consider three things before they speak. 1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it helpful? It's amazing how thoroughly these three rules cover almost every situation in which you are tempted to open your mouth.
On my Xanga site, I talk around the concept of truth a lot. What do you believe? Why do you believe it? How can you know? What kind of reason is a sufficient reason for accepting a proposition which cannot be proven with philosophical certitude (and lets be frank here, there is NO proposition which can be proven with philosophical certitude.) But, the fact that I do not believe it's humanly possible for one person to know the exhaustive truth, doesn't mean that I believe we can never access any truth. I'm a lot about truth.
I don't play mind games. I don't write things here from the "Devil's Viewpoint" - let the Devil get his own Xanga site if he wants to publish his viewpoint. I write things here that I believe to be true. Sometimes, someone will point out that I've left a variable out of my consideration. That's more than cool, that's helpful. It shows me places I may have overlooked, blind spots in my thinking.
Some people have a very difficult time disagreeing with anyone. They have to screw up their courage before they can break that social barrier of the polite nod. In their acceleration to break the barrier, these people sometimes crash into unkindness. That doesn't make them wrong, and if I'm unkind in return that doesn't make me right. I prefer comments from folks who are kind in their disagreement, who don't attack the person. But, I understand human nature enough to appreciate that someone who is trying to speak the truth isn't always thinking about being kind.
You are welcome to my site. All of you are welcome here and all of your opinions are valued. As perverse as this may seem, I especially appreciate the people who are willing to thoughtfully disagree with me. I've learned far more from conversations in which I have to go look something up than conversations where my opinion was affirmed.
I don't have any rules for you. When you are here you are free to say or not say whatever you want. In real life, I don't expect the people I talk with to align their mood with mine before they respond. I talk to my sister every day. If I'm having a crappy day, and she's having a great day, I don't expect her to talk to me as though she's in the depths of despond just because I'm wallowing in that mud. What I do hope is that she will let me know that she heard me (she does this very well), tell me if she has a thought she considers might be helpful (she does this very well, too).
See I think that even if she calls me, she doesn't call me so that she can think what I think, feel what I feel, and say only what I want to hear. Nor do I expect that people who visit my Xanga site will do that for me. If I write something that's just too personal, too private, too gutwrenching for me to be willing to have some dialogue about it - well that's what the private button is for.
So when you come to my site, leave comments, leave eprops, leave smileys, leave little dancing goofy guys, leave whatever you feel like leaving in the comment box below. (And if you are thinking at this point that I'm just shamelessly pretending to write a thoughtful blog when what I really want are comments and eprops - you'd be mostly right.)
For two excellently written blogs on the topic of commenting on Xanga - pros and cons check out Daffodilious from last Saturday and MyKidsMomZaPothead (probably I spelled this wrong) from Sunday, if you haven't already.
Comments (33)
Of course, truth is independent of what we believe.
Ok, so you've motivated me to leave a comment instead of just enjoying your blog. Here's a couple of smileys, too:
My dear Terri.... I shall gently disagree with you. If ever I were to come to your site and you had written a particularly heart-wrenching blog, and some ass left a comment that said "hey, that's so cool! come visit my site, won'tcha!" I'd most likely feel the need to slap the fiend's head. I'd be tempted to express that in the online world by scribbling profanity. Oh hell, I know I would. And there are those who would say it was none of my bizniz, and to them I would say f**k off, my friends are my business. (See??? I starred the word fuck for you, see how far I'll go for a friend?) Your blog is very welcoming, and I've always felt I could say whatever struck my fancy--you're the Melanie of Xanga, remember? (I need to repost that, actually.) (And Fugitive? She really calls you to remind you to get to Russell Stover's because she's coming for a visit, don't kid yourself here
. )
I'm one of those who can't disagree with anybody without apologizing all over myself first. On the internet (as in real life, actually) I usually just keep my mouth shut in preference to expressing disagreement, politely or otherwise.
At my own blog, of course, I avoid the issue of hurtful comments by not posting anything that can really be contradicted; I talk mostly about what happened, very little about what I think and not at all about what I feel. The gutwrenching, heartbreaking stuff never gets to the screen; I just don't have that kind of blog.
And this is you pretending to be thoughtful? Holy cow....
Loved your blog. And Daff's comment made it even more enjoyable. Blogs without comments are like trees falling in an empty forest. (Subject of my next deep, meaningful blog)
Seriously, I agree with you about thoughtfully disagreeing. It's the nasty attacks I can do without, and thankfully they are few and far between...
I enjoy what you write and by the way I dont picture the mothball smelling professor
I think those 3 rules will take your kids far in life if they remember them well.
Belinda
Daff - of course, you are correct - those kind of remarks bear no resemblance to truth or kindness - So I choose to look on them as being helpful little rungs on the ladder to the featured content list. I'm a little bit shallow.
I love more than anything to have a good topic to disagree on. The problem with the things you write though, is that I so often agree completely it is frustrating.
I do still have to disagree about the Pledge thing though, but I'm to burnt out on it to argue much. Hmm... say something like , "We should start out each public school morning with a verse from the Gospels!" That would get me going!
Blessings! Barry
much props! holla backies! [e][e]
So true.. and such a good lesson for children. Some adults need that lesson too!
Amen!
I have never understood why people in this medium of cyberspace feel that the only way their opinions can be heard is to be rude and obnoxious when they disagree. There are people in real life like that too, but the percentage of it seems higher somehow online. I don't care if people disagree with me - as long as they are respectful when they do it. Not falling all over themselves apologizing - just respectful that my viewpoint is different.
I love reading your blog.
God Bless - Dale
You're who's sister?
First of all this blog sucked. If that gets Daff over to tell me to piss off then it was worth saying that. lol Bin a while since I'v read her. She is so long winded. You spell Mykidzafjlaflkjalkafkfaljajpothead like this.. "MyKi"
Now I remember why I wanted permision to comment.
Thanks for dropin by. I'll see if I can get my brain in gear to take full advantage of your posts next time.
Later:
Mitch
1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it helpful? Those are great guidelines. Funny I was just reading my daughter an American Girl story before bed--Felicity Learns a Lesson. Felicity was learning proper manners from a tutor, Miss Manderly, who was having her copy into her copybook: "Think ere you speak, for words, once flown, once uttered, are no more your own."
I think it's sad that above the submit button when you make a comment, the Xanga Gods felt they had to write, "Be nice! Members have the right to delete flames."
I enjoy reading your thoughts and opinions, even if i don't always agree with them. It's nice to get another point of view.
As far as comments and props go... For me and my site, I would much rather have a comment than a prop. I want to know did I make you laugh or just roll your eyes. Props don't really tell me that. I can usually tell when someone really read my blog or they skimmed and are just being polite.
That was really well written (still a shameless plea for eprops) but well written nonetheless!!!
ahhh truth and love. wouldn't we wish that we find both painlessly.
i love talking to people who disagree. but i want the the disagreement to be friendly. and i respect and admire people who 1) can admit they were wrong and change their opinion once they see the truth or 2) care enough to convince me i am wrong and try to change what i think.
this may not always be the case but as long as people come out of a discussion with greater conviction, that is good, too.
oh and yes. daff's and myki's blogs were superb.
Hm. I can't tell if bishoujo is responding playfully to this, or if it's seriously one of those comments. LOL Ohhh, the irony! The irony!! Mitch, here I come to kick your a$$, because I have not been long-winded until that blog! I mean it! Geez!!!
(I don't love typos either...that's hatefilled remarks...
)
I think that bishoujo's comment was exactly the kind we were discussing which makes the irony delicious - but you know what's even better? When I peeked at her site, I found the code to make the lines on my page look like quilt stitches. Isn't that fun?
See out of habit I give out them there props dunno why.. can't do much with them.. I like content, I like to read.. I dont need the props nor want them.. I go to certain sites because I enjoy what is said and if I don't then I leave.. golden rule - unless I have something constructive to say about it and in a nice way
As someone who has recently got into a bit of hot water, I'd like to respectfully say that I don't disagree with anything you've written.
It all boils down to the old adage, 'it's not what you say, it's how you say it....' This is just as true on Xanga as in the 'real world'....
I love reading your blogs, I like commenting too, and e-props that is just the box I hit before I comment. Your blogs always seem to be thoughtful and you write so well! But for controversy, I'm not much of a player on xanga, I stay, I think anyway, natural in my comments unless of course I really get a hair split.
Your page looks fab by the way!
It's hard to disagree with you...I pretty much try to teach the same thing to my kids...Thumper's rule (from Bambi), "IF you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all..." Sadly, my children haven't grasped the rule yet...where there's life there's hope!
Differing opinions make our world interesting....but the presentation and tone that makes for understanding and discussion. You've always presented clear, coherent blogs and I'd be surprised if you got flamed...
LOL @ bishoujo and the quilting stitches!
Spot
Someone ought to send this blog and comments over to certain deified beings here at Xanga...
I agree w/BLN & Spot, up there, that the way one puts things is also of prime consideration.
Heck, words are our currency around here, people should learn to give and receive them as they would anything else of value.
On a personal note: You are the darling-est darling! (I got the package! WOOHOO!)
Look at you and your bad self! Your site looks fabulous! I don't think I could ever figure out how to do this. As you may have noticed, my site looks the same as it did the day I started it. One of these days maybe!
This is a great blog and I think the same way as you.
Thank you for being such a great friend too! I've missed you!
I thought that was great. I love feedback on my blogs, but it's not really necessary to enjoy my blogging time, because I don't just come to Xanga to blog. Like so many others who come to Xanga for different reasons, I come here to read, absorb, be made to think, and to be enlightened and entertained. These things make me feel alive. Your blogs always do all of the above. For that, I thank you humbly, Mi'Lady.
Sweet Dreams
Very insiteful blog here...I was always taught "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" That was good for a long time, but now as an adult, I find that it holds me back. I have let things that people say to me slide because I don't speak, because I don't have anything nice to say. Confrontation has always been difficult with me...which means I get trambled on...a lot!
I find it very cool that we have the same quote, especially since it is not that well known. It's cool to know people actually pay attention to my banner
Great rules
Growing up my Dad and I would discuss things for hours from our different points of view and knowledge. It was a give and take situation with a lot of good critiques. I miss this most of all. There are so few who have this ability to be constructive in criticism and discussion, and I feel I too am losing this art and tend to just be quiet now as so many feel either threaghtened by disagreement or do not want to hear any.
Great blog.
Yes! Say something! I think it's disappointing when you post something you think is thought-provoking and you get no response. I like your three questions regarding truth, helpfulness and kindness. How about too, "Does it spark thought?"
thanx for the prop! love the new layout!
i guess as long as the comment is relevant to the blog...or close to relevant...I don't care if they agree or not. I just don't like people (usually kids) who stop by, leave two props and say "hErEz SoMe PrOpz StOp By My PlAcE...
hee-hee...
Comments are closed.