August 28, 2002
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Forgiveness, Confession, Restoration, Forgetfulness - what's a victim to do?
Okay - let me say up front that I'm not mad at anybody. I had a conversation with my sister about a situation in which someone that she has looked up to was arrested for a shocking act. She'd welcome your comments as she sorts out her feelings.
Now, what exactly are we talking about when we say that we need to forgive people? I believe in forgiveness, but I define it as "choosing not to hold anger or resentment toward a person who has wronged you". You will notice a couple of things about this. First of all the act of forgiveness is all about me. It's whether or not I choose to hold on to anger, bitterness, resentment, and all those other negatives that come with the territory of finding myself the victim of someone who's actions have hurt or betrayed me. It's not my place to forgive people who hurt you. In fact, it's presumptious of me to include myself in your hurt or betrayal. I can empathize with you, I can conclude that the person who commited the action against you may be an unscrupulous, nasty, tick-infested, boil on the butt of humanity - but I'm dispassionate about that, because after all, it wasn't me that they hurt.
On the other hand, sometimes people do things that hurt ME. I'm not dispassionate about this. I feel hurt, fear, anger, rage, and urge to drive over that person with my minivan if I can figure a way to do it without damaging my fragile transmission. If I say to that person at some point in the future - I have forgiven you - that means only that I have chosen to let go of these negative feelings and inclinations.
A related but completely separate matter is the restoration of the relationship that I have with that person. I can and have forgiven people without ever saying to them - "you're forgiven." Mostly, this is because they either lacked the capacity to understand what I would be offering them, or I didn't see any way to preserve/resume the relationship. In order for a relationship to be restored, there has to be effort on both sides.
1. The person who has commited the offense must confess. I need to hear you acknowledge that you understand that your action was hurtful. This is not because I want to humiliate you, this is because your confession is step one in restoring our relationship. If I don't have a clear understanding that you know what you did and why it was wrong, what hope can I have that you won't do the same thing next week? "I'm sorry you got upset when I ran over your prized hibiscus bushes with the bulldozer that I had to rent for a lot of money" is not a confession. Oh, it appears to include all the right elements, it describes the wrong action, but you'll notice that there is no acknowledgement that the action was wrong.
Even in this relative world, I retain the right to insist that if you want to have a relationship with me, you must acknowledge that some things are wrong. But, if you don't believe in wrong as an absolute concept, I'll even accept "I can see that when I rented that very expensive bulldozer and brought it over to your house to destroy your property that damaged your ability to feel comfortable having me as a friend" if you just cannot use the word "wrong." Because I'm a nice person.
Step 2 - when damage can be corrected it is the responsibility of the offender to "make it right." Once those prized hibiscus bushes are gone, hearing your confession is simply not enough to restore our relationship. After all, before I had you plus a lovely garden. Now I have - you and a big spot of bare ground that I'm going to look at everytime I open the door to let you in my house. (Which by the way, I hven't done yet. So far, all that I've been willing to do is meet you at a restaurant for a cup of coffee and civility.)
Now, if you really understand that what you did was wrong, and you really want to be my friend you HAVE to 1) replace the hibiscus bushes or 2) give me a damn good reason why you can't even though you are willing to try. Yes, in this day and age, there are some people who still think that restitution is a good idea and I'm one of them. If I borrow your book and spill coffee on it, I'll replace your book even though it was an accident. If in a fit of anger I torch your book - then my own awareness of my malice will demand that I replace your book plus something. If the book had a value of say $7.99 - I think it's reasonable that I should give you a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble for $15. This repays you for the book and offers an apology to you for emotional damage.
3) only at this point can the relationship be restored. But, listen, if you think for one minute that I've forgotten that you've shown yourself to be the kind of person who would bring a bulldozer to my house and run over my bushes - you're nuts. I'm not amnesiac - I'm a normal human. In the future, I will be your friend, I'll resume our relationship, but I'll keep my ear open for the sound of a bulldozer coming until such a time as you have convinced me that you were temporarily insane when that happened and that it will never happen again.
You know what? There are times when I can be really ugly. I've been known to say things that I cringe to think of now. I've even been known to throw things. I don't expect that after I've behaved in such a manner that *I* will forget what I've done, I don't expect you to forget it either. I think that we can restore our relationship and maybe even build a stronger one, but not because we pretend that nothing ever happend. The relationship will grow and be strong only if we acknowledge it and move on.
For my part, I'm not forgiving if I'm nursing my anger. Its unrealistic to expect that I can turn my feelings off and on like a water faucet, but I must at least make the effort to acknowledge the hurt and let it go. If I'm inviting it to come in and have a soda - well, I'm not doing my part and in fact I may be manipulating you with my anger - in which case I need to see step 1.
So does that make me a bad person? I know that some people would say - absolutely, you cold-hearted, rigid, and demanding witch to expect people to live by your standards of right and wrong. To them I answer that I don't expect any such thing. I don't expect that anyone will want to be my friend in the first place. But, if you decide that you want a relationship with me, then I expect you to treat me with respect, treat my property with respect, and to accept that within the bonds of friendship it is necessary for each person to accept responsibility for him/herself.
The lamest words in the English language are "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Comments (22)
Did you realise that that quote on your status line is very similar to a Buddhist quote - I remember reading that in the Monkey mythology many years ago...in my far distant youth.
The thing about forgiveness - and saying sorry to people - is that is has to come from the heart...once you say sorry, it has to be forgotten by the other party - otherwise it just continues forever. I would apologise to my father in my childhood - after he had hurt me, and I had reacted - but he wouldn't forgive me. However, if people forgive - and forget - then you can get beyond the emotional quagmire of a bad situation. (The forgetting is the important part.)
Then, of course, there is the situation where you forgive people for hurting you...but they don't have the change of heart necessary to get beyond it - and then they continue to hurt you. (A very precarious situation.) My father would often hurt me...and I would say to him: "It's ok...I don't mind!" So he just continued to do it...believing that I wasn't bothered about him hurting me. (Great fun if you are a sadist.)
Excellent. Nothing to add or clarify or augment or pick at or even nitpick. I can only share what this blog brings to mind for me, and I'm afraid a public forum is just not appropriate...I'll email you.
Also, I recently tried to resolve my differences with my brother - and I never heard back from him. See what I mean...if the friction isn't resolved from both sides, then it is futile. Some people can bear grudges for a whole lifetime - and don't give up the fight until they are lowered into the ground in their coffin...realising, far too late, their mistake.
Excellent and I agree with every word.
My own personal anger isn't even something I have to deal with anymore at all. I get mildly angry for about 5 seconds in most situations, 5 minutes if it's a life or death issue.
Something happened to me (and I feel a blog coming on - thanks!) several years ago that changed how I experience the entire emotion of anger completely. In the short, I spent a year completely and totally absorbed in hatred for another person. Much more than I think most people ever experience in their lifetimes. I remember dividing up my work day into 30 second intervals - 30 seconds of work thought, 30 seconds of planning this individual's demise. Seriously! That went on for months. After FINALLY truly forgiving that person, I don't really have any long term capacity for anger at all anymore. Hmmm... is that healthy?
Going to get the Tylenol!
I know how she feels, I'll bop over there and offer what I can.
sounds reasonable to me
I agree with 99.9% of this. The only part I differ on is the forgiving of someone who hurts someone other than yourself. I know what you mean...the hibiscus bush for instance...if someone ran over yours and you came to me in a rage, I'd 'tsk' and sympathize but...inside I'd be thinking...okay dudette...it's a bush. Tell them to replace it.
But...when people maliciously injure, maim or kill someone I don't know, I have a hard time with forgiveness. I'd love to have some time alone with the individuals who have been hurting/murdering all of the children this year (and in years back to the beginning of time). Just me, them (with their hands tied behind their backs), and an aluminum bat. Really...just a little time would be all it would take.
But really...you said this all so well. I sat here nodding like one of those dogs in the rear ledge of a car. Well said!!!!
You are thinking of Joan Walsh Anglund. She is a writer of children's books - and that is all I know at the moment.
More...born in Hinsdale, IL, on January 3rd 1926...she has written quotes for Hallmark...and written numerous books for children. Her first book was called "A Friend Is Someone Who Likes You"...she has two children: Joy and Todd. Other books include "Bedtime Book" and "Crocus in the Snow". She also illustrates her own books.
thanks Terri .....
I am Ha-me, hear me poop! damn, i don't wanna read this entry, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
I agree with you . You have said that very well .
Michel
Sounds like a well developed sense of honor to me. A rare thing in this day and age.
I do dissagree on the part about not including yourself in the hurt and betrayal of others.
I tend to be a pretty forgiving person to those who wrong me. For those who wrong the people I love, there is no mercy. I realize it says some things about me that I value other people more than myself, but hey, I never put on a shirt that said "Captain Self-esteem."
Wow! Thank you for this post. I've been thinking on this subject a lot lately. Your post is more food for thought.
It sounds like you have great boundaries.
You know what you will and will not put up with. Did you learn that through experience? I sure did! I used to be a doormat...now I'm more like a porcupine. 
But I'm working on that.
I love your ability to express what you believe, even if it sounds harsh. You have a right to your beliefs, and if someone doesn't like them, the friendship wouldn't have worked anyway.
Do you find that you have only a few real friends? It seems to me that a strong sense of self eliminates many people.
well said
Wow I can't give you 4 props can I.....bummer, because I totally agree and have been caught in two situations where certain members of Kevin's family either didn't own up to something or didn't feel like it was their responsibility to right a wrong. One, after about 5 years grew up and gave us what she owed us. The other is still out of our lives and there is no contact. It's that whole respect thing she's lacking. :+) Great Blog Terri, have a great day!
Oh!!!!!!! well said! I must agree with this, as it follows so much of my own way of thinking.
God Bless - Dale
Amen sister! I've always hate those words too, but could never put my finger on just why...thanks for such a well thought out post!
Spot
those are some pretty lame words, all right...
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