May 10, 2008

• It Caught Me

  I spent most of my morning from the time I woke at 4 crying.  It was a strange surreal kind of crying.  I've just finished the study of A New Earth so I was very conscious of what was going on inside my head.  And it wasn't like anything that made sense to me.  I wasn't rehearsing past pains.  I wasn't telling myself how awful things are or how scary they might be.

  I was just crying.  It was like coming in late to a silent film with some character crying but lacking any context that would reveal why.  Finally, and it took a while, but finally after it was pointed out to me that I have gone through multiple ups and downs lately, I decided that I didn't need a reason, apparently all the twists and turns had me wound up, and my body needed a means to release all that emotional stuff. 

  I didn't feel any better or worse after I was done, but I did feel hungry.  I wanted a pecan shortbread cookie.  So I made a pot of coffee and with careful attention to each present moment, I dipped cookies into the coffee and nibbled them a little bit at a time until I wasn't hungry anymore.

  Then I went to my bed with a new book.  But after a few minutes of not being comfortable and remembering that the kids' doctor warned us all of the danger of lying on our bed for any reason other than sleeping, I moved back out to the living room in the midst  of the kids, cats and chaos. 

  Joe the cat curled up next to me in an unJoelike display of gentle affect. 

  I don't know if I feel better now, I guess it would depend on the comparison point.  I feel better than I did when I was crying, or at least I feel more peaceful.  I don't feel any more or less agitated than I have all week, but I do feel tired. 

  I realize that it was a kindness for my boss to give me advance notice, but now I wish I didn't know.  I wish I didn't have to continue doing this job anymore.  I just want it to be over.  I don't feel like I owe them anything else at this point.  But that hasn't prevented them asking me for more. 

  Tucker had an awards luncheon at school yesterday.  He got a ribbon for the Most Improved Behavior.  And he so got to my heart.  When I arrived, his teacher greeted me with some surprise and told me that Tucker had told her that he didn't really expect me to show up.  He had told her that I needed to work. 

  When he saw me he was obviously both surprised and delighted.  He gave me a big hug, led me with pride to the special place he had prepared for me to sit, and showed me the things that have been important to him in this room.  There's the Golden Labrador, Junior, who comes to the school on Tuesdays and Thursdays to "help" in the Special Ed department.  Junior has been specially trained for working with special needs children and he's very good at sitting still while one of them holds on to him and cries. 

  One of the teachers had offered the kids their choice of some carved hematite pendants and strung them on necklaces.  Tucker chose a turtle and was very pleased to have it along with the explanation that turtles are an important symbol in Native American cultures representing the power of long life and persistence.

  After the awards were presented, Tucker mentioned that the Book Fair was in the library.  He pulled out a crumpled paper and showed me the titles he'd written down.  Then he said, "I'll understand if I can't have these, I know you took off time to come here today so you earned less money and we're trying to save ..."

  Some things, even if you understand? they still hurt.

  I thanked him for the list, and went straight to the book fair where I bought the two books he asked for and then because one of them was the first in a series I bought the next two books to go with it.  Before I left the school, I dropped them off at his classroom so he could enjoy having them as a treat. 

  Now that I have both caffeine and cookies in my system, I think I'll go do some chores.

  • 4:17 pm
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