March 15, 2008

  • Patterns

    I learned from television home decorating class that patterns begin to emerge when you stop and squint your eyes just right. 

    I had a two and a half hour meeting with the school psychologist on Thursday regarding Tucker.  We went through everything that might possibly be relevant to figuring out whether he's presenting with a neurological condition (autism).  As I would answer the questions the examiner would mark the answers and as we reached so many indicators in one section she'd flip to the next section and ask less general questions. 

    By the end she had narrowed in on what were unmistakably questions designed not to determine whether there is a disturbance but the depth and degree of the problem.  And close to the end she looked at me and asked, kindly, but still asked, "Given all that we've discussed and the degree of the problems that have come up over the years, why are you just now seeking a diagnosis for this child?"

    Well, 1) in comparison, to Michael, he didn't look that bad, and 2) I didn't want there to be anything wrong.  I have been heavily invested in my hope that Tucker would have a "normal" life. 

    It shook me up going through that process.  The way the interview was designed, there was no escaping the conclusion.  There really wasn't.  And I know it's not about me, but I feel like I've let my son down.  I think that if I'd been responding properly, I'd have caught this years ago and we'd have gotten help. 

    After that meeting I called my best friend and said, "I've just been through a wringer, can we get together for lunch?  I need some support."  So we did meet, and it was good to be able to talk about it.  As we were leaving the restaurant, a vehicle in the parking lot began to back up quickly just about the time I stepped behind it.  Although I was lost in the clouds, my friend recognized the situation and literally yanked me out of the way. 

    That shook me up too. 

    It was a little frightening to realize that I'd been completely oblivious to the danger.  And it unnerved me to be rescued.  I don't get rescued.  I really don't.  I'm a rescuer.  I HAVE learned over the past several years to ask for help when I need it.  (And because I know that Cool Mary would tell you that I don't ask as often as I need - I'll just go ahead and admit that I'm still not very good at it.  I not only prize my independence and ability to stand on my own, I'm afraid of anything that feels to me like it might undermine my feeling that I can do it.  So I do things for myself.)

    This morning, I had a conversation in which someone who loves me laid out some concerns about the ongoing issues in my life. 

    1) I'm settling for less than what I need.
    2) I will never win.
    3) I deserve to have what I need (which is more)
    4) I'm going to be hurt.

    And I can't deny that everything on that list is true.  Dammit.  Except nothing is ever that easy.  The boss we have today, the kid we gave birth to, the results of the choices and commitments don't turn out to be what we've dreamed we'd have.  But they are what we have. 

    I love my kid so much I'd die for him.  But that fact doesn't stop it from hurting when I've let him down.  I know that things aren't wonderful with my work, but at least I have a paycheck.  I'm wrestling now because I probably have enough money in my square feet account that unless the lack of child support for a month knocks me out of it, I'll be able to get a house this summer, probably ... but will that be a good decision?  Or will that tie me down and tie up the few assets I have in something that I could lose if things go sour at work?

    My answer this morning was that even though I can see clearly the logic applies and there is unavoidable pain ahead of me, there is pain in every thing.  You don't get to escape pain just because you wish you could.  Maybe the fact that I can see what's coming and avoid being surprised by it is a blessing. 

    I'm not fatalistic, I believe that we all have real choices to make every day.  I can also see patterns.  I don't see what I don't want to see for as long as I can avoid seeing it.  Then I deal with it. 

Comments (6)

  • Patterns, themes, - you must be a quilter!  So I guess whatever happens you will patch things up.  

  • Sending hugs and prayers.  *g*

  • 1) I'm settling for less than what I need.
    2) I will never win.
    3) I deserve to have what I need (which is more)
    4) I'm going to be hurt.

    Lets look at this again....

    1.) Never settle for less than you need. Know what you need, and take it when it is offered to you.

    2.) "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing!" "Play hard or don't play at all" these might sound like silly phrases but if you keep them in the forefront of your mind, the competition may become fierce, the game intense, and the rewards worth every effort.

    3.) We get what we deserve... in order to deserve more we must earn it, first in our thoughts, second in our actions... it is a two step process. Take what you need when you need it by earning the right, through honest living.

    4.) Pain is natures way of warning us that we are being injured. We can ignore the pain and continue to wear our selves down or we can avoid the pain and continue to look for new ways to get to our goals. Sometimes we have to compromise and endure a little of both.

    May God's love be with you...

  • *deep sigh*

    Oh how I do understand patterns...

    some of them are good & some of them...

    well, you know the drill.

    It's okay to be saved, it's okay to be wrong and it's certainly okay to be human.

    Stay focused and search your heart, mind and circumstance. The answers are there you just have to listen.

  • Don't beat yourself up about your son.  We all do our best for our children at that particular time.  Know that there are always going to be self recriminations, know that as a parent we never feel that we did enough, we could have, should have, tried harder, sooner, longer....  it is part of the territory.  It is part of loving them. But you are a wise woman.  I know that you already know this too. 

  • Gosh....I bet it DID shake you up going through that process.    And then that experience in the parking lot?  You're lucky to have all the someone's you have who love you...who help you realize what you need to realize. 

    We ALL need to be rescued, you know. 

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