When people speak of falling in love, I think it would be so much better for all if they saw that as a literal kind of thing.
When babies are learning to walk, they fall a lot. When kids are learning to ride bikes, they skin their knees. If only we could look upon the bumps and bruises to our hearts as a rather normal part of learning to do something we've never done before. But no, we take it personally. It feels like rejection and as a judgment regarding our self-worth.
When I reached the age of 40 and realized I was married to someone who didn't love me, I didn't assume that meant that he'd simply never learned to love, I experienced that as a personal failing on my part. Somehow, I'd failed to properly inspire him, because as we all know, when the handsome prince meets his princess, it's not something that either of them have to DO. The conditions pretty much do it for them and they ride off into intimacy without so much as the need for the fairy godmother to have a pre-wedding "chat".
Which, btw, does anyone get that chat anymore? I know it was kind of a long time ago when I got married, but my chat consisted of my mom saying, "sex is messy." In retrospect, that was a pretty good chat. But it lacked some specificity that might have been helpful.
I also realize that waiting until just before a wedding to have a "chat" is a little late in this day and age, but I wonder other than the much talked about sex-education that the kids get at school, how much they get in the way of positive instruction in the ways and means of love.
Love education starts when you teach your baby to share toys. Sharing isn't a natural human behavior. There's nothing instinctive about it. If you doubt me on that, just try taking a toy from a two year old. I taught my boys in a completely underhanded, sneaky, and yet ultimately successful manner. I started at the end with "Thank you! You are such a sweet boy, of course I'd LOVE to share your ..." while the kid was still holding it. They got the reward of sharing before they figured out what sharing meant, so they learned that sharing isn't loss of a toy it's gain of praise and affection.
I know, it's manipulative. But it worked.
Love education continues as your child learns to make friends, learns to be considerate of other's feelings, and learns how to ask for what he really needs. Love education has to be a two part process. Teach your kids that their NEEDS are important and that it's reasonable to expect that those needs can be met in relationship. Then teach them that WANTS are negotiable.
One of the most tragic things I've observed in the past 25 years of watching as my friends and family have grown up and gotten married is that situation in which one partner expects it all, that their needs, their wants, their whims, whatever is necessary for their even minimal comfort is the responsibility of the other to proved. And in return, they don't seem to feel the slightest responsibility for meeting their partners needs, wants, desires, or even minimal comfort levels.
Another thing that I hope is taught early, but I question because it seems that very few people have figured this one out is that "money can't buy you love."
Therapists tell us that the two things married couples fight about most often are money and sex. But I really think that the underlying roots of both these issues are the same. Do you know how to share? Do you know the difference between a need and a want? Do you know that you can't buy love? Do you know that you have to make choices, and you have to consider the other person's needs and wants at the same time you're asking them to consider your own?
When my marriage was ending, in one of the last conversation we had where we were still thinking that maybe if we just said the right words and did the right things we could somehow fix it, we came down to this issue of needs and wants. We each talked about what we needed. And Tim said that he felt that for the most part he got what he needed, but there were some things he wanted. And his idea was that if could just meet those wants then he might be inspired to try to meet my needs.
Did you catch that little word "might" in there?
I did. And that told me that even after almost 20 years of relationship, he still didn't know my needs were at least as important as his wants. That's the kind of thing I'm trying to make sure my kids get taught now before they are allowed out to practice their love skills on "real" people.
* * * * *
Tucker is feeling a little better. He's in the kitchen mixing ketchup, pickle relish, and mustard together to make perfect hot dog sauce, which he has informed me he will name "Tucker Sauce."
Michael is still sleeping. Which is pretty amazing because Tucker has been awake since about 7. (Tucker is being respectful of Michael's need?)
I'm coughing.
I'm also tired and borderline cranky from being tired. I don't think I'm sick. But I think a nice shopping trip that ends in new shoes and maybe even something sparkly would be excellent medicine. (I'm learning to express my wants.)
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