Never forget that writing is an act of courage --

Remember on the days when it is simple and we discount it

Remember on the days when it is hard and we write like sand

Our words are torches

We pass them hand to hand

And mouth to mouth

Like a burning kiss



Never forget to say thank you

Every syllable is a grace.

In the most unlikely of places, magical things have been known to happen.  Sometimes in a cornfield, giants appear.  Sometimes from the most unlikely of mild-mannered people, heroes are born.  Sometimes ...

See you amongst the corn.

The school nurse called me this afternoon to inform me that Michael was in her office, headachey, dizzy, pale and saying that he felt faint.  He had no idea why he felt this way.  I got on the phone with him, chatted for a second then asked, "How was gym class, Baby?  Did you run a lot today?"

"Not so much running.  It was all right except I got hit in the head when we were playing dodge ball."

The nurse got back on the phone ... "I'm sorry, I asked him whether he'd been injured and he said 'no'".

Turns out she had specifically asked him, "Did you hit your head on anything?"

Michael says, "But, Mom, I didn't hit the ball, the ball hit me."

This morning at 5:00 there was money in my account. A lot of money by my standards.

This morning at 5:10 my account was drained back to it's normal less-than-impressive wading pool level.

I got my tax refund.  I used it to pay off a bill.  And then I put most of the rest of it in my house account.  It was several more square feet I added.  And I crossed an important threshold.  I now have a 5% down payment even if I don't get the MFA grant that my mortgage broker assures me I will have. 

Tonight, I took the boys out to dinner to Mimi's.  Tucker has been asking for it lately because they haven't been there in quite a while.  They both had pasta and waddled out.  (I had blacked salmon with a citrus salad.)

Then we went shopping and bought a new pair of sneakers for Tucker who has gone from a 7 1/2 to an 8 1/2 in three months.  Ay yi yi that boy is growing.

I love tax refund day.  On tax refund day, for one day, I allow myself to feel "rich".  I try not to be completely unreasonable, but on this one day the boys and I indulge in things that I would ordinarily budget for and ration out.   We have 364 days to live responsibly (although the fact that I had a couple bills that I had decided to wait on the refund to pay off tells me that I haven't been as responsible of late as I usually try to shoot for.) 

And now the day is gone.  But we are going to bed happy. 

I made a little bit of a deal out of Valentine's Day.  I went shopping last night and hit a lingerie sale at Dillards.  I have a weakness for lingerie that is exceeded only by my weakness for shoes.  Last night I found three new nighties all on the 70% off rack.  I'm a happy woman.  (Was getting a little tired of flannel and fleece- I'm ready for winter to be OVER)

This morning for breakfast, my boys were each served a giant strawberry dipped in chocolate.  Tonight we had fancy shrimp cocktails for dinner (served around the rim of margarita glasses because well, that's just cool.)  And my guys have been told repeatedly that they are loved. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's something in the air.  Maybe it's the fact that I've been brainwashed by silly romantic mythology.  Maybe it was simply the work of

.....            Cupig!

Years ago I heard a comedy sketch by Richard Jeni (may he rest in peace) pointing out some logical issues with the film Jaws 3.  I've never seen it but he described the plot as being the shark (duh duh duh duh duh duh) versus the members of one particular family.  Jeni pointed out that in most cases an apartment building is adequate defense against a shark attack but this family felt a need to move across country.  Apparently they were right to be concerned because in spite of entire coastlines of perfectly edible people, the shark shows up to dine in their new place as well. 

And you know he had a point, there are oceans full of perfectly edible people. 

Most of the time when I hear people speaking about their search for a soul mate I want to tell them that story.  There are entire oceans of perfectly edible (or at least eligible) people out there and maybe they are setting themselves up for failure if they are expecting that there is ONE perfect person in the world for them. 

It seems to me that the idea of a soul mate brings with it a whole host of unrealistic expectations.  Like that the lover in question will never disappoint, irritate, hurt, anger, neglect, or buy you the wrong present for Valentine's Day.  And of course when they inevitably do, you start thinking that maybe that wasn't the person for you after all.

I'm tempted here to mention that if *I* am the lover in question all is good because of course I would never let you down, only some of my readers have known me more than five minutes which is all it takes to realize that I'm just as prone to having a bad day as anyone else. 

If you are searching for a soul mate because you are hoping to avoid conflict, struggle, disagreements, or disappointments, you'd be a lot better off if you'd put your time and energy into learning to snorkle.  My friend Faith says, "Sooner or later he's gonna leave his wet towel on the bathroom floor ..." and I think that's a great point.  Not that men are genetically incapable of hanging up their towels but sooner or later there will be some less than perfect aspect of your lover that will come to light and then what are you going to do?

I'm not entirely against the idea of soul mates, btw, but it seems to me that most people I've spoken with on the topic are looking for someone a great deal more perfect than themselves.  Which sort of begs the question doesn't it?  If you aren't perfect, how could your soul mate be perfect because it seems to me that the bottom line qualification of mating is that you be the same kind of beastie.  

So is there a chance that there is a soul mate for you in this world?  How do you find him/her?  What do you do with him/her if you do manage to find each other?  And how do you deal with it when you stumble over soggy towels?

It's a little hard for me to believe in a forever kind of mating that
lasts through good times and bad, richer and poorer, sickness and
health because I haven't experienced it.  I have seen in the lives of
people I know some remarkable pairings that have stood through decades
and disasters.  Because I do have hope that it's possible, and because I'm fascinated when I think I see it, I've noticed some things about these mating successes.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry said, "Love consists not of gazing at each other, but of looking together in the same direction."  I suggest that if you are ever to find a soul-mate it won't come by looking for one.  Live your life.  Write novels, learn to skin dive, or climb mountains, or paint, or quilt, or invest your time as a missionary, or whatever ignites your passion.  The more you follow your passions the more likely you are to discover yourself in the presence of similarly impassioned people.  And if one day you realize that your closest friend is one who is looking in the same direction as you ... well, that's a pretty good place to start. 

So you've found that person with whom you share that all important outlook.  Now you're ready to settle down, so what do you do next?  Don't settle down.  Keep doing your passions.  Don't change your outlook or your focus from your passion to your lover.  I think this is a mistake made by a lot of my women friends.  Once he's caught us, we spend a lot of time looking at him with starry eyes.  After all he's our Prince and the man who holds our heart.  Ain't that a beautiful sight?  Well, yeah, okay but I like the approach of Cher's character in Moonlighting.  Nick Cage's character says, "I love you Loretta."  So she responds by slapping the snot out of him and saying, "Get over it!" And off they go to the opera.  He's passionate about opera and he wants to share that with her.  Once they are looking together in the same direction, they are drawn closer to each other.

It's a pretty intense thing to have someone investigating your soul and it's no wonder that a lot of perfectly edible people will run away from  the scrutiny of their beloved.  But you don't have to investigate him like you're the CIA and he's a nuclear scientist who keeps making mysterious trips to North Korea, just keep looking out in the same direction.  You'll learn what you need to know by seeing how he/she pursues that passion, how other people are treated, how far out on the limb you're both willing to go in pursuit of what's important to you. 

So you've done it this way.  You didn't meet at a singles web-site, you met at a poetry slam.  You didn't get introduced on a blind date, you worked together on a Habitat for Humanity house.  You didn't happen to meet at a big fund-raising party, you campaigned door to door for the same three candidates in a row.  You're friends, you share interests and now you've gotten to know each other on a personal level, and Oh By The Way, you've noticed that she has gorgeous eyes, and he has this way of laughing like the whole world is a delightful place to be.  When you go to dinner, you have things to talk about other than the awkward manufactured topics of dating.  And it's all perfect, just perfect. 

Then ... he was supposed to meet you at your mother's house and you wind up horribly embarrassed because you've been stood up in front of your family.  Or he forgot your birthday.  Or, she doesn't get along with your dog.  Or you noticed that she has overdraft notices on her desk whenever you've been in her place. 

Are these towels on the floor?  Or deal breakers? 

It pretty much has to come down to what you can live with and what you can't.  For me, I think that if it's a matter of your values, then it's probably a deal breaker.  If it's a matter of your preferences, then maybe not so much.  If he missed the family dinner because he was working late ... again.  That might be a sign that his job is more of a priority than you are.  But if he's a firefighter and was called in for an emergency, maybe it's just bad timing. 

What if you've come so close and yet it's never worked out before.  Or what if you're like me?  Divorced, living alone, and likely to remain that way for the rest of your life?

Not long before my ex-husband remarried he called me.  He was terribly upset because he'd done something that hurt his then fiancee and he was in a panic.  He wanted to know whether he was making a huge mistake.  What if he married her and then turned into a raging asshole like he'd been with me?  (His words, not mine).  I didn't have any magical pixie dust I could sprinkle and promise that with happy thoughts he could fly, but I did remind him of the Richard Jeni routine. 

You are a different person with every new person you relate to.  That's in part what relationship means, it's a synergy of interaction and adjustment.  Just because you've had one relationship that's failed doesn't mean you are doomed to failure in every relationship.  In this sense, I do believe in soul mates.  I don't believe that every single person in the ocean is a good match for you.  But more than one of them will be. 

My Aunt Betsey (Mimi to her family and friends) has been married happily to her soul mate, my Uncle Jim for over fifty years.  They've been on a mission of one kind or another their whole married life.  Even now in their mid 70's they are pursuing their passion which led them about 18 months ago to relocate from Colorado Springs to Jerusalem. 

My friends Mike and Anne may have a few more years before they get into the Soulmate Hall of Fame but they are well on their way in my book.  (And they are so stinking cute you almost need insulin shots to hang around with them.)  They were married on national television in a Lifetime Special from Disney World back before days of Bridezilla and the Wedding Story.  But it isn't the wedding that made them soul mates, it's the way they support each other and pursue their dreams. 

There are a couple of examples here on Xanga of matings that probably qualify, but I won't put them on the spot.  As we're coming up on Valentine's Day, it's hard to avoid assessments of our love life to see whether we've got the relationship we want.  If you've turned a critical eye on your own true love's soggy towels, I urge you to be gentle as you'd hope him to be when he discovers that you borrowed his razor again.

Whether you are with your soul mate or not, I hope you'll set your eyes and your heart toward your passions this year. 

it's been a long week already

school stuff
work stuff
body not feeling well stuff

work stuff

kids are better though

I'll be back.  I have things to say about soul mates.  Oh, and love between women.

How do you know you're in love? 

It was kind of a rhetorical question, but I'm guessing that most answers given to a question like that would describe a feeling.  Something happens inside our mind, heart, and body when we are in love and many times, we feel the feeling first and then say, "Oh, my, I'm in love, whaddya know about that?" 

We don't consider all the behaviors we've performed or the choices we've made that have led us to the point of feeling the feeling.  But, emotions don't happen in a vacuum.  They don't happen outside context and provocation.  And all emotions contain within them a degree of choice to either respond or not respond to the situation at hand. 

Of course some people make us feel better than other people.  Some people respond to us in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, they are fun to be with, and share our interests. 

But I don't believe that love is ever an "out of the blue" lightning bolt that takes us without our consent or awareness.  I know there are many who disagree with that, and while I can appreciate their view, I can't accept it.  I don't have any doubt that there may be a strong attraction felt when you first meet someone, or maybe even when you first lay eyes on them, but what if they opened their mouth and completely turned you off?  You'd go away from the encounter without a second thought.

Attraction is often times completely explainable as a response to conditioned stimulus.  We are attracted to people based on a set of internally developed criteria, and we may or may not be aware of what's on our list.  I have a list.  I don't claim that my list is complete, because I find that sometimes I'm attracted to or repelled by someone in a surprising way.  On paper they look perfect for me, but ... there's something that just isn't right.  Or I would have thought they would grate on my nerves but I find their company surprisingly enjoyable.

However, I can share the list of criteria that I'm aware of and we'll just have to wonder what my internal judges have on their little score sheets that they haven't bothered to share with me.

1. Strong personality. 
2. Sense of humor. 
3. Smart. 
4. Kind
5. Spiritual
6. Pro-active
7. Responsible
8. NOT perfect
9. Interested in me
10. Creative* (more on me and what attracts me below)

Attraction is not the same thing as love.  Part of why I don't believe in "love at first sight" is that I believe love requires knowledge.  You may be powerfully attracted to someone on sight and then have that attraction affirmed as you get to know him/her better, but if attraction were the same thing as love, we'd all be in trouble the first time we showed up wearing our comfortable clothes with our hair in a ponytail.  And few relationships would survive that first experience of morning breath (or snoring in the night.)

As Mary and I were talking about this the other day, we were reminded of the completely opposite approaches to love taken by characters from two different movies.  In The Wizard of Oz the Tin Man is counseled, "A heart is judged not by how much you love, but by how much you are loved."  In Adaptation (which I was enjoying right up til people started getting shot and eaten by alligators) The two main characters (twins) hold the following conversation:

Charlie Kaufman (nick cage) : There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: (nick cage)  Oh, God. I was so in love with her. 

Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was really sweet to you. 

Donald Kaufman: I remember that. 
Charlie Kaufman:
Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim
Canetti. It was like they were making fun of *me*. You didn’t know at
all. You seemed so happy. 
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them. 
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy? 
Donald Kaufman:
I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah
didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. 
Charlie Kaufman: She thought you were pathetic. 
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.

I think the True Love we long for has to be somewhere in the middle of these positions.  One person can't take responsibility for inspiring the other to love back.  That seems to be the message of the Tin Man, but it's a recipe for failure
because it's impossible for me or any other person to love so much that we can force the other person to love in return.  Oh we don't think of it as a force thing, we just want to love them so much that they will feel loved and that they will choose to love us, but if they don't choose such, we rarely ever assume that it was a matter of choice to them.  Because we really underneath it all believe that if we just love enough they will HAVE to love us back.  So we conclude that we failed to love enough, and that's simply not true.  You can do everything right, and still not be loved by the person you love.

And while Donald Kaufman certainly had the choice part down, we all know from the conversation above that his experience didn't match his choice or feeling.  I don't think that many of us would aspire to be the pure a lover satisfied to know that we love even with our love unreturned.

Love is a dangerously risky thing.  We feel the attraction, pursue the relationship, and eventually open our lives to another person who may or may not love us in return, may or may not be committed to the work of maintaining that relationship, and may or may not grow in the same direction we do.

When it happens that all the parts fall into place there's nothing on this earth that comes any closer to paradise than an exchange of love between two people.  So in spite of the horrible risk involved, people will continue to risk in the hope of finding that slice of heaven.  I hope that you have love in your life and that you enjoy a really pleasant Valentine's Day this year. 

Just don't go out and buy diamonds or start planning a wedding based a feeling alone.  It might be love.  But you might want to start by taking a Pepto Bismol tablet on the off chance those butterflies in your stomach are from the Thai you had last night. 
 

*I am attracted to people who won't be looking to me to steer the relationship.  I'm okay with doing my part, but I don't want responsibility for the whole thing.  The quirkier the sense of humor the better, I'm looking for something clever, new, and witty - not cheap laughs at the expense of someone else.  Meanness is a total turn-off.  I enjoy contemplation of the "Big Questions" and I am attracted to other people who do the same.  My friends don't have to have the same spiritual beliefs I hold, but I'm attracted to spiritual things.  I put pro-active on the list because I don't like it when people expect me to read their minds.  If you have something you want to do or say, do it or say it.  If I have to play guessing games, I'll take my toys and go play somewhere else.  I recognize intellectually that perfection is unattainable, but that doesn't stop me pursuing it for myself.  I'm not against anyone else pursuing it either, but I'm repelled by people who seem to think they've arrived already.  I find myself to be endlessly fascinating and I expect my friends to at least find me interesting enough to care about how I think and feel.  And I love creative types - if you paint, draw, write poetry, take photos, compose music, make jewelry, sculpt clay, sew, cook with creative flair, or make scrapbooks (or just about any other creative endeavor) you're interesting to me. 

Tucker is definitely feeling better today even though he's at home for one last day of recovery.  I told him that he's used up all his sick days for the whole year, and he got a little teary but said he really needs to stay home because he can't really breathe very well. 

So I let him stay home.  He's been at the table drawing pictures and I heard him talking to himself a bit ago, "You'd better enjoy your freedom now because the Heartless are sending you to the School of Darkness in three more days."

I dreamt last night that I colored my hair silver.  Not the spangly silver of some young rock star's wig, no, real silver, like my Dad's hair. 

I had great blog thoughts that came up yesterday during a conversation with Cool Mary.  But then, I got busy, and this morning I can only remember that they were, not what they were.  Oh well, maybe it will come back later.

The kids tried school yesterday.  They each made it about half a day then called for Mom to come and rescue them.  Tucker walked in the door, went straight back to his bed and climbed in.  He was asleep within two minutes and slept for the next 4 hours.  Michael did almost the same thing except he didn't even make it to his bed, he hit the couch with a blanket and that was that. 

They are going to try again today, but I'm half expecting that I'll be picking them up at lunch time. 

I'm not feeling quite as bad today.  My headache is gone.  My cough sounds like I'm auditioning for the part of a woman dying of consumption in some old film that equates pathos with romantic.  It's a little better if I can just avoid breathing so often. 

The kids and I have been enjoying a new book that I feel compelled to recommend.  It's historical fiction inspired by the true story of a prince in pre-Islamic Arabia called The Legend of the Wandering King.

Last night I was reading part of it aloud and Michael said suspiciously, "Is this going to turn out to be one of those books that is supposed to teach us lessons about the choices we make in life?"  So we talked about how some stories try to make a specific point, but any story about the choices people make and the consequences of those choices can provide us with lessons that will help us when it's our turn to make similar decisions. 

I don't think he was impressed by the distinction, he's terribly afraid he might learn something from this one. 

How many people do you know who are the same person today that they were when they were twelve?  How about when they were nineteen?  Thirty-three?  Forty?

How would you react to a forty year old who dressed and spoke like a teenager?

How would you feel about a twenty-one year old who had the mental and emotional development of a three year old?

We'd think that either of these situations was abnormal, and maybe even so abnormal that it would be difficult to relate to that person.  But yet, we often apply exactly that standard when we are trying to relate to the people closest to us.  We want everything to be the same way it was when we first fell in love, first laughed together over shared jokes, first shared our dreams with whispers and secret rituals promising to be friends forever.

I first became best friends with Cool Mary when we were twelve.  Certain aspects that marked our friendship back then are still true of us thirty plus years later.  We both like(d) games.  We both like(d) psychology and trying to figure people out.  We both like(d) writing.  Thirty years later we've experienced childbirth, travel, marriage, worklife, weight gain, and the past thirty years of relating to people on a whole variety of levels. 

We aren't the same people we were when we were 12 and sitting on top of the jungle gym in my back yard. 

(I for one couldn't get on top of the jungle gym these days unless someone brought in a crane and one of those huge trampoline things that firemen use to catch people jumping from burning buildings.)

SO if you aren't the same, and they aren't the same, how does that affect your relationship?  Why do some people grow together and some people grow apart? 

I think it comes down to a couple things.

How much to you love that person?
How well do you know that person?

Cool Mary and I parted company even before our jungle gym days were over.  Her family moved and we lost touch.   Which by the way was an utterly devastating experience for me and in part is why I didn't have another best friend until I was well into my adult life.  When she hunted me up via the web (the only good thing to ever come of Classmates.com) we had an advantage that many long time friends don't have.  We knew that we had changed, and that while we were willing to get to know each other again based on our long ago friendship, whether the people we were at 40 would love each other and choose to be best friends wasn't a given. 

To be honest, we are both intelligent, strong-opinioned, and (ahem) competitive people.  And there are still days when I think she could happily slap me silly.  But friendship doesn't have to be a perfect lock-step of opinions, tastes, and choices.  The thing that makes it work for us is that we respect each other (most of the time), we support each other (even when we don't really understand WHY she would do that), and we have made a deliberate effort to know each other.

If you're in a relationship where you feel like you can't tell your friend, partner, whatever the truth about who you are, that's a huge warning sign.  I'm not saying that you have to tell every detail of your life, your life really isn't in the minutae as much as we sometimes think it is.  But if you know beyond a doubt that you would not be safe revealing your inner self to your friend, then you aren't friends.  You may be friendly acquaintances.  You may have a long and comfortable history together.  But you aren't friends.
Think about that.  Imagine the person you love the most, and then imagine that this person has a whole other side that they have never shown you.  Can you imagine that there might be hidden aspects to them that would make you not want to be in a relationshiop with them?  I can.  If I Mary hurt one of my kids that would pretty much be a deal breaker.  If she ... okay, I really can't imagine what she might learn about me that would make her not love me, hang on while I ask ... well.... the first thing that pops to mind is that you killed one of my kids or Chris... that would def be a deal-breaker.....

See?  Did you see what happened when we thought about that?  Neither of us came up with anything that spoke to who the person was.  We both jumped to actions that would represent an ultimate betrayal.  But in fact, neither of us can imagine the other doing something like that.  There is NOTHING that she can tell me about herself that would make me not love her.  And I believe the same in reverse, because she pretty much knows everything there is to know. 

Did you notice something else?  Mary and I are available to each other.  Not 24/7 but often enough that I don't have to wait around or worry about intruding on her life if I have a weird question like ... if there were some secret something I was hiding from you that if you found out would make you unable to be my friend anymore, what would it have to be?

So what if you are thinking about the person you love and you realize, you know what ... if he finds out I had an abortion before we met, he wouldn't be able to accept me.  If she knows that I secretly have a sexual fetish, that would completely turn her off.  If he knows that I'm an atheist, I'll never get invited to meet his folks.  If she finds out that I did meth when I was in college, she'll never want to talk to me again.  If he knows I'm bisexual, he'll never look at me the same way again.  You have a problem. 

What if it's not something huge like that.  What if it's just things like ... you aren't comfortable talking about work because even though you'd like to, you know that other person isn't interested in hearing it?  What if even after inviting your partner to join you in activities you enjoy, she never wants to come along?  What if you find yourself with nothing to talk about other than the business of being together? ("did you pay the electric bill, do you want me to pick up anything at the grocery store, did the kids get their report cards yet ...?")  You have a problem.

A relationship depends upon relating your lives to one another.  You aren't both going to be equally passionate about the same things.  But if you're interested in a person, even if you aren't passionate about photography, your passion for her will make you passionate about knowing at least enough to support her in her dream.  Even if you can't imagine anything less appealing that a crowded gymn sock smelling basketball arena Saturday night after Saturday night, your passion for him will make you at least interested in whether his team is winning or losing and how he feels about it as a fan. 

There were a lot of things that ended my marriage.  Whether or not I loved Tim was never in question.  But we came to the place where I realized that I didn't know him.  When I asked questions, he gave me short non-answers, the worst of which was "You wouldn't understand."

In fact, I might not have understood, but I was interested.  We had a really sad conversation a year or so ago when he said to me, "I had no idea that you were interested in living out west."  And we kind of went through a whole list of other things that he didn't know.  He couldn't tell you what my favorite foods were, what kind of books I liked to read, whether I'd ever had a broken bone.  He didn't know what kind of things I dreamed of becoming or what made me feel frightened in the night.  He didn't know how I felt about money, owning a home, or what I would grab if the house were burning. 

I felt surprised by his revelations, and the reason it was sad was that I could recall all the times I'd tried to share myself with him, and he wasn't interested, was too busy/tired/distracted to hear me.  You see where this is going?  My conclusion isn't that it was a tragic situation of our having been hindered from knowing each other, I concluded (and he did too) that the fact that he didn't know me was the inescapable result of the fact that he hadn't loved me.  He was comfortable with me.  There were aspects of who I was that he even enjoyed.  But outside that rather narrow field, he just didn't want to know. 

Maybe you are in a relationship where things have seemed a little cool lately.  If you are passionate about your partner, maybe it's not too late to bring in a little heat.  Listen.  Hear what's important to her. And if you are feeling like she isn't passionate about you, maybe you could test that theory by starting a conversation where you reveal a little about one of those areas that you think he/she can't handle knowing about you. 

If she loves you, she won't turn away from you no matter what you reveal about your inner darkness.  And if he doesn't love you, it doesn't matter how much you deny that darkness and focus on the sunshine, he won't ever come to the place where he can overlook it. 

You aren't the person you were in preschool.  You aren't the person you were ten years ago, or twenty years ago, or 35 years ago.  What worked for you back then, probably won't work for you now.  The only way for your relationships to survive those changes is to be passionately commited to loving your way through everything.  And to be loved that way in return.