My job has gotten a lot more interesting and become a lot more fun this week.  I'm actually getting things DONE!

My sister suggested that since my biggest frustration has been with things not getting done, I should just do it and then blink my big baby blues innocently if anyone asked what I thought I was up to.  It's been working remarkably well.  When I let go of thinking that I needed to get permission or "run it past" the boss ... well, it's just been pretty amazing.

There are three women on the team.  This week while I've been pretending we don't need the guys, we've accomplished things that have been frustrating me for about three months.  It's so amazingly cool. 

The only thing left to figure out is how I'm going to commit myself to writing with this full time job distracting me.  I know it can be done.  Others here on Xanga do it and achieve great things.  So I really have no excuse.  It can obviously be done.

My Book Project Management Plan has to be seriously revised, but I'm determined to do it.  I'm lucky that March 1 happens to be a Saturday.  And I'm thinking that Saturdays are going to be my secret weapon.  I'll write for an hour a day during the week, and on Saturdays, I'll write for 4-5 hours.  It's not nearly what I'd be able to devote in time if I were writing full time, but I'll probably be able to support us a little longer if I have a less agressive writing schedule and a more aggressive "make regular deposits into my bank account" schedule. 

I am excited, though.  I'm going to do this thing.  I am.  I came close enough over the past week that I have a real taste for the writing I want to do.  I can't just let it go. 

There are stories to be told ...

I changed my settings so I no longer receive the instant alert when you of my beloved xanga circle post a pulse. As more and more people are posting pulses, it was beginning to be a concern because "standard texting charges apply" and then over the past couple of weeks (because some of you are in exotic locales and some of you are just insomniac) my phone has been beeping more and more often in the middle of the night. 

So if you are used to receiving a quick reply to your pulse from me, I do still love you.  But I'll be responding to pulses along with your blog posts when I have opportunity to comment. 

This week has been a rough one.  Although my employers chose not to release me from my job, things are still chaotic and unstable there.  In fact, I am not yet assured that my position won't be dissolved in the near future, although it seems less likely now than it did at this point last week. 

On the other hand, the clearing of the air from Monday brought about two specific changes that have enabled a great deal to be accomplished toward our goal of going live on Friday with our loan products. 

And in other excellent news, Cirque du Soleil is coming to Albuquerque in May.  I love the Cirque.  I have been an admirer of their work since I first saw them featured in a documentary 20 years ago.  I celebrated my 40th birthday by attending La Nouba in Orlando.  And now they are bringing Saltimbanco to Albuquerque. 

I learned about this yesterday morning at ... 7:30?  By 8:30 after spending almost a half hour on hold with the Get Tix people (and btw, if any of you know anyone at that company, you can tell them that their website needs some serious work - the age range for child tickets is no where to be found, and they don't allow you to request a specific area of the arena, you either take the seats they think would be "best" or you're out of luck) I had tickets. 

The boys and I watched Allegria last night in celebration of our coming treat. 

I am also registered for the Iowa Summer Writing Festival - I know it will disappoint some who were pulling for the biker guy, but I opted for the course in Advanced Craft instead.  My course materials are on their way to me now.  My hotel reservations are confirmed.  My flight has been booked.  I'm going to Iowa! 

I know, what a Geek. 

Trust me, I've driven through Iowa often enough when I lived in Minnesota that if the Writing Festival weren't every bit of all it's cracked up to be and then some, there's no way I'd choose to spend my vacation in the cornfields. 

 

Weird weird day.

I'm still employeed.

I was so ready to move on and do something else.

Feels very surreal.

Weird.

"Have you guys ever considered that it MIGHT not be my fault?"

Mom and Brother ... o_0

He didn't tell us what MIGHT not be his fault this time, but after some inspection I think it's the fact that SOMEONE sneaked into the kitchen after lunch and ate all the remaining strawberries, meant for tomorrow's breakfast.

Maybe it's a failure of nerves ...

Okay, my most recent attempt to alter my habits in order to lose weight safely - has ended in a net gain of two pounds.  Everything Else I've written here today - MAY fall squarely into TMI Level 5 territory.  SO if yo'd like to skip straight to the part where you leave me a consoling hug of mini ... you may be excused from reading.

I'm posting this information for the benefit of people who are struggling with weight and may be curious about hi-protein diets.

I lost for a while, but then I ran into a problem.  I was going for a ratio of 60% protein, 20% carbs, and 20% fat, and staying at or below 1000 calories a day.  It works.  BUT, with that much protein as a percentage of the diet there are ... side effects.  I looked up everything I could find about these side effects, but most of the websites merely mentioned that they exist without offering a solution.

The main thing that I just couldn't get over?  Constipation.  When you are getting that many of your calories from protein, it tends to make you constipated.  Call me obsessive, but when it's ten days to two weeks between ... activity ... that's too long.  It's not like I was ignoring the problem either.  I started taking metamucil, I started taking laxatives (which is dangerous territory for me anyway) and these measures made no difference other than giving me uncomfortable and embarrassing gas problems. 

I started having paranoid fanatsies of all kinds of horrible things happening inside me ... from the idea that the food I'd eaten was fermenting (a distinct possibility) to the fear that I would wind up in the hospital explaining why all my internal organs had exploded (not very likely).  Although, it's possible that my body was just using the food that much more efficiently (again, not likely).  So I'm back now where I started both literally and figuratively. 

Vizzini says, "When the job goes bad, go back to the beginning." 

I absolutely know that "eat less food" works.  It works when I listen to my body and eat only when it tells me that it's hungry and then eat what it tells me it's hungry for in a small amount. 

I woke up this morning, I'm not even hungry.

For those of you who use Flickr to post photos, be careful what you post.  One unhappy mother posted three photos of her kids skinny dipping (out of 50 photos total) so the kids grandparents could see.  She was horrified ot learn that even though her album was marked "private" the photos were viewed by thousands. 

And scientists have developed a blacker black that's pretty fascinating.  It so completely absorbs light that under the right conditions it renders the object cloaked in it "invisible" - all kinds of applications for THAT.  Harry Potter's invisibility cloak may one day be a reality!

Things at home are better.  Work is worse.  Every week I think it's about as bad as it can get and then it gets worse. What can I say?  I'm hoping they will finally be man enough to say, "We just don't like it that you're working from a distance so we're going to let you go."

It would be a bummer, but between unemployment and my savings account, I can cover the expenses the boys and I will have for the next year.  (And yes, I know that unemployment only lasts 13 weeks, I'm figuring that into the equation.)  I don't believe that it will take me a year to find another job.  I do believe that this might be the year for me to seriously turn my eye toward writing marketable books and giving it an honest attempt to make my living as a writer. 

In the meantime, I'll keep doing what I do as well as I can and we'll see what happens. 

I hope your weekend is good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I moved last summer, and was worried about whether I was making a huge mistake.  I was concerned that I was going to be in a bad place and that I would find myself leaning for support on people who would get tired of my neediness, Cool Mary gave me a book mark.  Its a cool book mark with monkeys and bananas and is says, "Who ever is happy will make others happy too."  _ _ _ Anne Frank

I found that idea repeated in the thought from today's Higher Awareness meditation:

Go for what you want

"Follow your bliss."

-- Joseph Campbell

It’s hard for some of us to believe that the world is served when we seek our own happiness. We’ve been taught that this is selfish.

If we stop to reflect on how we are in the world when we are happy, we can see how this serves. We have more vitality. We’re more loving and generous to others when our own needs are met.

What activities bring you greatest joy? Your unique gift to the world will be found in those pastimes you love the most.

How can you live your joy each day?

"Spiritual growth is not made in reaction against, for all striving against imposed restrictions is imaginary. Spiritual growth is accomplished by inclination toward. We grow like the sunflower, following the light."

-- Joy Houghton

We woke up with snow on the ground.  Tucker's mouth is much much better, but he still feels that he should have "special" food for lunch, so he took leftover spaghetti instead of a sandwich.  Joe the Cat found a Snicker's wrapper somewhere and played with it until he exhausted himself and collapsed by the fire.  There are few things more homey on a winter day than a fire and a cat. 

(Yes, I took the upper picture second after I noticed the ash that had escaped and got it swept up.   No, my strange sweeping behavior didn't disturb the cat much at all.)

This morning Tucker woke up crying with toothache pain.  He had a baby tooth that was stubbornly refusing to come out and he was suffering. 

Then my computer locked up and wouldn't reboot for over an hour.

I got the computer up, found a dentist, made an appointment.

Went to Michael's school to sign a paper that didn't get signed last Friday.
    I looked a bit stressed.
    The teacher commented on my stress.
    I said, "If this day continues to go like it's started, I'm going to kill someone."
    He said, "Wait!  Don't leave feeling like that!  Let me give you a list because if you're gonna kill someone anyway, it might as well be a service to the community."

(comic relief is a good thing)

Got to dentist.  Learned that I can't use the insurance my ex set up because I lack a number.  Try to call him - no answer.  Text him - no answer.  Finally I look at Tucker who has tears streaming down his face and say, "Forget it, I'll write you a check just take care of my baby."

They do x-rays.  (Apparently they have a policy not to remove a tooth until they are certain there's a permanent tooth coming in beneath it.)  He needs not just the one but THREE extractions.  I'm seeing my square feet shrinking because I'm thinking this is going to exceed the amount in my "emergency" fund.

Just about the time Tucker was relaxing with the happy gas, Tim called with the number I needed. 

Oh and all the time this is going on there's a vitally important meeting going on in Colorado Springs and they keep calling asking me for documents and telling me that they don't have things they need.  And I'm at the DENTIST, no where near a computer or the internet so they are just going to have to wing it.

sigh

not my favoritest day.

BUT, Michael got his new schedule per the IEP from last Friday, he's a happy camper.  He has social skills group tonight so while he's doing that, Tucker and I will go out for mashed potatoes.  I have a new book.  All is good. 

(no one was killed in the writing of this blog)

I wanted to entitle this "The Love of Women", I've changed just because I am thinking that was more than a little misleading, and because I have a blog in mind that is specifically about the way women love.  At the risk of making your eyes glaze over, I'll tell you up front that this blog is about politics. 

There was a new study quoted in the New York times this morning that
pointed to the lack of insurance as being the number one predictor in
whether a cancer patient will live or die.  So when deciding among the candidates for political office this year, I'm not going to vote
for someone who seems content to shoot for less than 100% coverage of every
American. 

I think the battle will be uphill at best in the face of a
trillion dollar industry (medical insurers) who don't want to cover
anyone but those whom they must or whom they can charge the maximum
amount for the service.  But it's a battle that over 47 million Americans are already fighting individually and we need someone to stand for us and join that battle.  (that 47 million figure is about to get a lot higher since President Bush vetoed the Child Health Plan last fall ...)

When I hear people arguing against a universal health plan, I stop listening after the first few predictable sentences. .They talk about the perceived cost (rarely based on
actual numbers but on the scare numbers released by insurance
companies) or the feared consequences should they lose "choice" (again
based on scare tactics.)  If you're insured, you don't have unlimited choice now in regard to the physician you see, which hospital you
can use, which drugs may be prescribed.  You know
how the adults in Charlie Brown sound like "Wah Wah Wha?"  When these
people start talking about the evils of a National Heath Care Plan, I
hear, "I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it."

One of the really unhappy aspects of the current political season is how quickly we condemn each other for "identity politics".  So I want to say a few words about that.  On the surface, it seems that saying, "I'm going to vote for Hillary because I'm a woman and she's a woman" would be a really lame method for choosing how to cast your vote.  As would "I'm going to vote for/against Barack Obama because he's in/out of my group."  or "I'm voting for/against John McCain because he's white/a veteran/old/republican/a man/Christian/non-Muslim ..."

But, having said that I think that there may be rational and very good reasons for voting according to "tribalism".  There are aspects of American life which are almost universally experienced in different ways according to your tribal membership.  Women tend to have a very different view of child care, health issues, family needs, and other issues than do men.  Even the men with whom they share their lives and bodies.

Although women are human just as men are human, the experience of women shapes and informs their viewpoints differently than men's views are shaped and informed.  In fact, I find it's so different that I can't begin to fathom why on EARTH men do/think/feel the way they do on a wide variety of issues that to me seem obvious and intuitive. 

My friend, Maureen, way back in the early 90's before I saw it on tee shirts and bumper stickers used to say, "I need a wife."  Maureen is beautiful, petite, funny and has never lacked for male companionship when she desired to have it.  (In fact, she just got remarried and was a beautiful bride.)  Her point then was that there are things that women need that they can only get from each other. 

I love men.  I have close friends who are men.  I have two male friends and my brother with whom I can talk about almost any topic I can imagine.  We'll call them ... Ben and Jerry and David.  These guys are beyond smart, they are brilliant.  They have keen insight on a wide variety of topics.  They genuinely care about my life and my circumstances.  And yet, there are some B, J, & D moments when I'm in the midst of telling them something or listening to their view and I realize that they are laboring to understand a concept that my sister Cheryl, or Cool Mary would have gotten without any explanation required. 

This isn't about whether men or women are superior.  I don't think it works that way.  But there is a real difference between genders.  Problems, obstacles, and experiences which may be invisible to the one are intuitive to the other.  Solutions which seem obvious and work to the one make no sense to the other.  (For example:  If women had been in charge, I guarantee you we'd be on a 13 month lunar calendar.)   And it is a valid thing to say, "I have concerns that I believe another woman/ black person/ Christian/ single-mom/ retired person/ Native American/ person who's dealt with the trauma of a sick child/ person who's nursed a dying parent - would understand intuitively and which must be explained to someone who hasn't been there."

I may yet change my mind, but it is my intention at this point to cast my vote for Hillary.  (Not because she's a woman although I think that as a woman and a mother she "gets" many of my concerns on that intuitive level.)  But because the number one issue for me is health care and her plan is the one that will cover the most Americans.  I know it will be an uphill battle, and people who have health insurance will be making arguments about the evils of state mandates and the horrors of the way it is elsewhere.  And my answer to any of those people is that until you have lived without insurance, without access to doctors or prescription medicines, until you have tried to figure out whether you could afford the cost of a mammogram or could go one more year without a pap smear, shut up.  

There are a lot of areas in which middle and lower income American's are being squeezed.  Compare your circumstances today with four years ago and consider whether today you have more or less access to affordable housing, child care, fuel, food (I wonder if any of the candidates know that milk has gone from about $2.75/gallon to over $4 a gallon in the past four years, or that eggs have gone from $1.29 a dozen to $2.19?),  retirement, employment, higher education, and the list goes on and on. 

You don't have to be one of the 47 million people without health insurance to know we have a problem in this country.
You don't have to be one of the 35 million Americans living in a food
insecure household to know we have a problem in this country.
You don't have to be one of the 1.6 million families who lost their homes last year to know that we have a problem in this country.
You don't have to be one of the 3.5 million homeless Americans to know we have a problem in this country.
You don't have to be one of the 5 million children in the home of an undocumented immigrant parent to know we have a problem.
You don't have to be one of the millions of Americans trying to work without a higher education to know that we have a problem. 
You don't have to be one of the millions of Americans who paid 40-60% of their take home pay for child care to know we have a problem.

You don't have to be one of the above, but if you aren't you'd better at least recognize on some level that we have a problem and I hope you are looking for and voting for candidates who propose solutions to these problems which may or may not be your problem but which say a lot about the kind of country we live in. 

Last night I was determined to complete the quilting project I've been working on.  And I did.  At a few minutes before 12:30 a.m. 

This morning, I was wide awake before 6.  (Don't ask)

Later this morning, I was elbowed by my son in church because when I closed my eyes for the prayer, I fell asleep.

The woman who has been taking responsibility for delivering completed
quilts to the organizations who'll use them is moving to another city
to be near her daughter. So when the need for a new delivery person was made known, I stepped up and said I'd be happy to fill the position.

I think there's something profound in there.

In spite of the lack of sleep last night, I feel very very happy today.

On the way home from church, the boys and I took a bit of a detour through neighborhoods around the schools and went through a couple different open houses.  The one we liked most is more than a little bit out of my price range.  But we'll keep looking.  I know its still early to be thinking about making an offer.  But ...

You know, in spite of the long list of things that I wish were different about my life. 

My life is good.

Very good.