The Weekend Cometh ...

I had vaguely planned (okay, if you know me you know that my vague plan included several strategic manuevers and a back up to make sure it worked) to move things into storage this weekend.  But the first time I can get use of the free moving van that came with my storage unit is next weekend.

I am so not wanting to be stuck in the house with two boys playing Two Much Time on My Hands.

So I'd better come up with a new plan.

Lunch Date in Albuquerque

Out on the patio of the Flying Star
amid the chink slide of dishes
little birds hop from crumb to crumb.
Gossip, stories of children,
business cards exchanged
at table 32 while Julia refills the tea
glasses sweating and dripping
through wrought iron mesh.
Wednesday lunch talk
blows across and away beneath
mountain, cloud, and sky all
watching, listening, and occasionally
bending to hear a whisper.

8.22.07

UPDATE:

Thank you for asking - yes, the Minnow made it home.

The Michael Report

Yesterday afternoon I had the opportunity to speak again with Mr. O'Toole.  I'll tell you, every time I talk to this guy I like him better.  He told me that he'd spoken again with all the teachers on Michael's team and essentially they have agreed that whether he is officially in Special Ed or not, they are all going to act as though he is and they are going to make sure he gets all the services they can provide. 

Because it's important to me (and Michael) that as much as possible he is in "regular" classes, the only "Special" class he needs or that we would ask for is language arts.  We're still hoping to have him switched into that class as soon as possible.  In the meantime, his Language teacher is giving him extra time, extra help, and basically as much as possible he IS getting Special Ed. 

Also, the team of teachers told me through Mr. O'Toole that they are astonished at the ... well, the phrase they used was "criminal stupidity" of the person in Colorado Springs who disqulified Michael from services.  And they offered that just in case I wanted to hire an attorney that they would provide me with whatever documentation I needed to make my case against that district. 

It's good to hear from people who are in a position to know that we were right all along.  It's especially good to know that we are in a place that gets it.  They aren't offering special ed because it's a Federal mandate and that they might lose funding if they fail to comply, these people are doing it because they are good teachers, dedicated to their students, and determined to do what is in the kids' best interest.

Which brings me to whether I will hire an attorney to deal with Colorado Springs.  Right now, I have no plans to do that.  I have limited resources, obviously limited financially and more importantly limited in terms of how much I can reasonably expect of myself.  (Some of my very good friends have suggested that what I expect already is a little outside the realm of reasonable, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)  The question is what do I gotta do as far as Colorado Springs is concerned.

I think it would be the healthiest thing for me psychologically and for my kids in terms of the fact that they need 100% of their Mom NOW, to let it go.  I get that there is a slight chance that a lawsuit could result in a monetary settlement and that it would be really helpful for Michael to have a little bit of a cushion because of the massive challenges that lie ahead of him.  But I'm not convinced that the cost to our family would be worth it.  People don't usually get large settlements from school districts. 

The more likely result would be that the woman who did this would lose her job, or at least be required to take classes in issues related to autism.  A probable result would be that the district could lose some or all of it's special education funding and that would harm a great many other kids. 

So although there's a slim chance that I MIGHT still go that route, it's a very slim chance.  It would almost require an attorney willing to work on contingency basis, a proveable misstep on the part of the person in Colorado Springs in terms of her admitting that she discriminated against Michael, and some sign from God that He would give me the time, strength, and bull-dogged patience to see it through.  One thing I won't do is start a fight that I can't see through to the very furthest end.  I believe that when you get into a fight, you follow the Machiavellian dictum to destroy your opponent, or why fight? 

Keeps me out of a lot of fights because I'm not much of a destroyer.

So that's where we are. 

Three Hour Tour ...

It's been a really decent day.  The kids and I are getting into a really good routine here.  They are getting hot breakfast every morning.  I'm getting them off to school and then I go to work at my job right here in the living room.  It would be a mistake to say I have my office set up yet.  My desk is piled up with schtuff.  I still have furniture and boxes stacked around that I need to get moved into storage.  But I have my computer and just enough of the material from my filing cabinet to field the phone calls coming my way. 

Sometimes it's a little one the quiet side.  I REALLY need to get a new sound card in my computer!  But apart from the slight sleepiness that the quiet inspires, it's all good. 

The boys come home from school and I have a snack waiting for them just like in the old shows from the 50's.  (Today it was even cookies and milk.)

They do their homework. 

We have dinner.

We go spend an hour in the pool.

We go to bed and sleep really well.

Okay, maybe it's not that smooth yet.  Today, Michael could not get it together before school.  He dragged his feet way too late to walk to school, so I drove him and he was STILL late. 

After school, I had the cookies out on the plate waiting, and waiting and waiting until about 4:30 when I got a call from Tucker's school.  It seems that he got on the wrong bus and instead of coming home, he toured another neighborhood.  He was a little tearful by the time he made it back to school.  The bus driver said that at the end of his route he looked up and there was Tucker still sitting in his seat. 

"Son, do you know where you live?"

"I'm not sure, but I know I didn't see it."

Momi to the rescue.  I didn't just go get him, I took a cookie in each hand.  Sure enough, he was very glad to see me and the cookies distracted him just enough to get him home without a total meltdown.  He had a few complaints.  Anytime Tucker is upset, sad, scared, angry, hurt, embarrassed, or just plain old tired he develops a sudden and life-threatening ache of some sort or another.  Tonight his head hurt, his back hurt, his elbow hurt, his waist hurt, he was pretty sure that the paper cut on his middle finger (you can imagine how he held it up to show me) was beyond infection into gangrene and in danger of needing amputation.  I couldn't see the cut. 

He kept it up until he realized that his focus on his aches instead of his homework was about to cost him his nightly visit to the pool.  Then he suddenly got real interested in doing that homework.  Which turned out to be a chapter from his health text on healthy self-image. 

There's a lot that goes into maintaining a healthy self-image. 

Mine wasn't damaged at all when I teased him a little about his "three hour tour" and I got the blank stare.  I tried to explain it to him and he said, "Gilligan's Island?!?  I saw those reruns at Grandma's but I thought everyone who knew about that show was old and dead!"

Um - could someone pass me one of those cookies?  I think the lemon one with extra thick frosting and sprinkles would do. 

What an interesting day...

It's in the news that Michelle and Jim Bob Dugger have welcomed a 17th child to their family.  The boys still outnumber the girls 10 - 7 so they are thinking they will have more ...

The New Mexico chile crop survived curly top virus and chile wilt to produce a healthy amount of chiles for roasting...

My ex-husband told me that because he and his new wife have been travelling a lot lately and because they just held a big Christmas in August party at their place, they have no money so they won't be able to come to visit the boys when the boys have Fall Break.  Two things to know about this are that last week he couldn't come to see the kids in Branson because he was so behind on work was going to have to work all weekend.  And he has apparently forgotten he told me this because in the conversation this afternoon I learned that this was a lie.

What a loser.  Its bad enough to be too busy to see your kids.  It's worse to lie about it. 

We went to church this morning.  Church was awesome, we left feeling the love of God and at peace with our fellow man.  You know, it's probably something that would cause consternation among the more devout of my brothers and sisters in the family of faith, but when I go to church, when I pray, when I spend time with God, I come away feeling like a spoiled, indulged, and much loved child.  That makes me want to go out and be good to everyone I see.  Good thing, huh?  I managed not to say anything to the ex. 

And here's what I think.  No matter how much I wish that my boys' father was the kind of person who would make them a priority and want to spend time with them, the fact that he ovbiously isn't this person kind of disqualifies him from any eligibility for special consideration from me in terms of facilitating his involvment in the boys' lives. 

To be blunt, the days of me paying for his hotel rooms are over.

We had baked chicken and corn on the cob for supper.  Isn't supper a great thing?  It's just so friendly sounding.  Tell the truth, would you rather "meet for dinner" or be invited to "come to supper?"  The boys told me that they are glad to be home.  We laughed and told dumb jokes.  They helped clear the table.  Now they want to go swimming. 

Not a problem, I can do that. 

17 kids. 
Talked to a loser.
I'm glad I don't have to worry about chile wilt.
God loves me.

Yeah - still happy.

"No star can shine with a broken heart"

I took the boys, much against their wishes, to see Stardust today.  If you haven't seen it you, and you are the kind of person who enjoys a little drama, a little camp, and a lot of laughter - you owe it to yourself if for no other reason that Deniro in drag.  Sigh.

This is not going to be a blog full of spoilers though.  If you want to know the good parts you're gonna have to fork over your $6.50 or read some other review. 

Even the trailers reveal that this is an old fashioned boy-girl-misunderstanding story at the heart so I'm not giving anything away to start there and tell you what the film inspired me to think about. 

See, I've been given some encouragement lately to consider the possibility of remarriage.  My parents correctly point out that my sons would benefit from having a good man in their lives to be a role model.  Not just in the big brother sense, but in the sense of seeing how men and women treat each other when they care about each other.

The boys have seen the other side with disrespect, angry words, hidden tears (that are never as hidden as we think when its the eyes of a child watching) and the hardship of divorce.  They haven't had much opportunity to know the other side.  And I do feel badly about that, I want to give them everything it's possible for a parent to give a child. 

But in this one specific instance, I feel rather helpless.  Watching the screen romance this afternoon made me very aware of my own past mistakes.  Made me very aware of just how difficult it would be for me at this stage of my life to have the level of trust in another person that it would take to be vulnerable to them.  Especially vulnerable enough for marriage. 

When I married Tim, our vows were a little unusual.  Tim's all prettied up said, "I love you, will you love me back?"  Mine were "Yes, I'll love you." and then the unusual twist we put in was a second vow with which he answered my own saying, "I accept you and your love and I will let nothing come between us." 

So it didn't work that way in the end.  I do believe that in a truly solid an committed relationship that's the way it has to work.  I think that a woman has to offer her whole heart, and the man to whom she offers it has to be strong enough to accept her heart and hold it close. 

I don't know if it would be possible for me ever to offer a whole heart again, because I'm not convinced that I have a whole heart to offer.  Now let me be clear, this isn't some low self-esteem pity thing.  I am feeling rather quiet and contemplative but overall I'm a happy person and have nothing that I feel I should apologize for or "fix" about myself. 

Neither do I want a "fixer-upper" man in my life.  I'm not much interested in the issues and angst of a man who doesn't feel good about himself.  I don't have the energy or the wisdom for that. 

I want the impossible.  I want a man who is willing to be completely vulnerable and completely mine.  And I want in return for him to accept me completely as I am and want me to be completely his.  I'm too much myself to become someone else at this stage of my life, and in truth, I can't remember why I would ever have wanted to be anyone other than who I am although I spent a great many years trying. 

So in the face of the impossible dream, I'm going to be a virgin in the old sense of the word as a "woman complete to herself" - unmarried.  Just living my happy little life with my kids.  Sorry Mom, I know that's not what you want for me.  But this is who I am. 

Marriage has never been further from possible for me.  I've never been happier.

PS - the boys loved the film in spite of themselves. 

PPS - My favorite part is when Michelle Pfeiffer's breasts droop.

Two Steps Forward

Well, there was a tiny set-back today.  Apparently someone from Albuquerque Public Schools called Colorado Springs and was told that Michael doesn't qualify for Special Education services.  And the person from Colorado Springs went on to say that he was on a 504 plan but only because *I* had pushed so hard since they could find "no evidence of disability." 

I know that if you don't have a student who is affected by these things all that stuff is just gobbledy gook.  But the short story here is that Spec Ed is responsible for providing services to students with a disability such as a learning disability, a hearing problem, or autism.  A 504 plan is a temporary plan that was designed to help students in need of short term services, for example, if they have a broken leg or an extended illness that requires a long convalescence at home.

In short, Michael doesn't have anything from Colorado that we can use here to get him into services.  And because of the way that the laws are written he can't be admitted to services just because it's obvious that he needs them.  There have to be supporting documents that qualify him.

Now the good news is that the people here are on my side.  Mr O'Toole said to me that the only way he could imagine that the person in Co Springs didn't believe that Michael needed direct services was that she hadn't spent time with him.  The saddest part of that is she DID spend time with him.  In fact, she was responsible for conducting the tests that were used last year to disqualify him from receiving services.

The teachers here have to put him into "regular" classes, so his schedule is about to change, but they have already put their heads together and worked out a plan to help him until we can get the testing done that will enable them to get him the services he needs.  It may not be a perfect solution but can you imagine the difference in the way it feels to have people ON OUR SIDE as opposed to telling me to my face that I'm just overprotective and that there isn't a problem.  That autism isn't a disability.

Mr O'Toole told me that this morning Michael came walking up to school concerned that he was late.  Mr O'Toole said, "I told him he wasn't late, but he should walk a little faster ..... And that was when I discovered that Michael only has one speed.  I've never seen someone look so hurried but walk so slow." 

I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed that the woman in Colorado Springs couldn't just let us go.    I'm saddened that we are going to have to go through all this process.  But to be honest, I had been expecting to go through it anyway and was pleasantly surprised when the people here told me they thought it could be avoided. 

In the end, Michael is in a very good school.  He is with wonderful caring teachers.  And he's going to be all right.  These are just teeny little tadpoles in the swimming pool of our happiness, but I'm not worried.  I'm adding a little more chlorine to the water. 

 School Days ...

The kids are really liking their new schools.  Tucker's is a unique building set-up, it's a series of small buildings with wide courtyards, breezeways, and so forth in between.  His classroom is brighter, quieter, and less ... distracting than the ones he's been in for the past two years. 

Both boys have been full of new experiences to share as they've come home over the past two days.  Yesterday, Tucker had real homework, which he did immediately.  Then when Michael came in, they had their afterschool snack. 

I made Oreo cookie milkshakes, it seemed like a good idea, but they turned out a lot darker than the photo ... anyway, I topped them with whipped cream and an extra Oreo cookie and they seemed not to care what color brown they were. 

Luck of the Butterfly
                for M

The white butterfly fights,
dry balls of heat
beat her away from
nectar and cool rest.
Paper wings don't float
high above it all like the
enlightened saint.
Hope doesn't raise
her body or whisper
promises of reward.
She doesn't know she can
but she does.
Buffeted and bruised
by a macabre dance
(Snow White's step-mother
in the glowing red shoes)
outside the realm of rhythm.
A drunken sailor's path
leading everywhere and nowhere
from ship to ship to shore.
And to no one's astonishment
but maybe her own
she drinks.

TBV 8.15.2007

Have you ever sat and watched a butterfly fly?  Other insects seem to be able to plot a straight line from point A to B, but butterflies fly like they just washed their wings and can't do a thing with them.  I watched one today, while I was waiting outside the school for Michael, and I swear it was even upside down at one point.

Talk about DUI...  And what influences the little critter to fly that way?  Is it drunk from its last flower?  Is the desert wind too strong for it?  Is it just plainly and simply stupid?  Maybe it's just too tired to fly straight.  But somehow it got to the flower it was aiming for.  At least it appeared to have done so.  Maybe it just had a lucky crash landing.

Kind of like me. 

Still happy. 

The Flavor of Poetry

I had a computer conversation yesterday with someone who in a very short time became one of my favorite of all the Xanga poets.  This is perhaps even more remarkable because she rarely posts a poem, although she regularly posts visual art that in itself is poetic. 

SO anyway, in this conversation RnBoW_SPOT said, "love takes and makes all kinds"

Of course we've heard something similar to that before ... "it takes all kinds" and I've always interpreted that as a slightly condescending way to say, "oh you're one of THOSE kind of people."  But that's not what she said, she said "Love takes and MAKES all kinds."

Have you been shaped and reshaped by love? 

I can look back and see the ways that I have.  I'm living in Albuquerque because of love.  I've been married and divorced for love.  I gave birth to not one but two babies for love.  (One MIGHT be an accident, but by the second time around there has to be some love in your heart to go through that process.)  Shoot, for breakfast this morning, I DIDN'T have sausage and bacon because I love myself and the people in my life so I'm trying to reduce my body fat to increase my health and hopefully stick around on this planet a little longer.

Love has made me. 

How cool is that?

I'll quote RS once more because she said something else that really tickled me ...

*slow crawling smile*

Ain't that just the best kind? 

PS - I'm still happy.