Month: June 2007

  • Four More Days Til my Birthday

    I'm trying to decide what I might want to give myself this year.  I haven't landed on anything yet.  Maybe shoes.  It's not that I NEED them but there are a couple pairs that I WANT to have.  Have you seen the commercial where the woman is slipping into a pair of white shoes that look like Oxfords with four inch stiletto heels?  It's not a shoe commercial (darn it) so they don't tell me where i can find those, but I would really like to have a pair of those in black. 

    I don't buy much in the way of white shoes.  I have the impression that white makes my feet look big.  (And if I were a bride, I'd find a way to wear something other than white just for that reason. - but I digress.)  Other than a pair of hot shoes, nothing really comes to mind. 

    What I'd really like to do is surprise myself.  But I haven't figured out how to do that either.  Oh well.

    Give me a year or two more.  I can already feel my memory slipping away.  I should be able to buy my own present in April and be completely surprised when I open it in June. 

  • I Feel Better

    Do you remember the scene in Mary Poppins when the children come in and bring flowers to their mother and interject cheer into Mr. Banks' breakfast?  He's curmudgeonly about it all and Mrs. Banks' reproves him, "The children are only trying to make you feel better."

    He says, "I am in a perfectly equitable disposition, I do not require being made to feel better."

    I have not been in an equitable disposition of late (past three days or so).  There's been a definite deficiency in my outlook.  And I'm tired of that nonsense.  I've had a nasty headache that won't quit.  And for several nights in a row I was working off about 4 hours of sleep a night.

    I talked to Tucker last night.  He had a fun day fishing with his grandfather.  I'm not sure what Michael's day was like, he didn't have anything to say.  But I'm assured that they are alive and well. 

    After that conversation and another with my best friend I toddled off to bed in a happy and relaxed state of mind.  Slept EIGHT and a HALF hours.  Shocking. 

    But today, I feel better.

    I hate that I'm so at the mercy of my body.  My state of rest, nutrition, mood, and so forth just have way more influence over me than I would care to admit.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  When Cool Mary visited me in January, she brought a book called "Spinning Straw Into Gold" that takes a look at te transformations of a woman's life through the lens of the fairy tale women we grew up with.  What can Snow White and Rapunzel, evil stepmothers, ugly sisters, passive fathers, and birds reveal to us about the lives that real women live today?  Quite a bit as it turns out. 

    I work in an office with two men at the top of the food chain.  Steve and Matt are quintessential men.  They do man things and they think in man ways.  (Well, every now and then they lapse into being girly men ...) But you understand what I'm saying, they never do and never will be able to "get" things that are understood intuitively by women because of the way we live our lives and because of the common experiences we share. 

    I came into the world riding just behind the wave of feminism that swept through and forced a new way of thinking that opened up opportunities and areas of influence to women.  I'm grateful to those women who push the envelope so that I can take for granted that I am free to work and to choose and to have access to institutions that would have been a laughable dream to those of my grandmother's generation.

    But, I think that as women we need to do a bit more pushing and reorganizing yet.  In the office where I work, and in almost every other organization I see we still have masculine structures and manly ways of thinking that dominate our processes.  I know that it is more or less against the rules to admit that there are differences between men and women, but okay folks here is the honest truth. 

    Men and women are different.

    Men aren't the devil, but they don't have all the bases covered on their own.  Women don't have all the answers, but we have some answers that men will never intuitively get.  And if we want to have strong organizations, good solid working ideas, and relationships that benefit all our clients and not just the men - then we as women need to stop pretending that we're just men in skirts. 

    Part of the knowledge that women have than men don't comes from differences in biology. 

    I'm sorry to be pushing against the rules again, but it's just the truth.  Men don't get it.  Often times they seem to be uncomfortable with, annoyed by, or dismissive of the fact that women have different biological needs and experiences.  But that's a mistake on their part.  We can't pretend to be men and we shouldn't be treated like men.  We aren't men.  We're women. 

    And it dawns on me that I can't expect other people to treat me like a woman until I start treating myself that way.  I'm not talking about getting a regular manicure or squealing over shoes.  I'm talking about owning the reality of my life and experience and behaving as though I understand that it's legitimate.  Because it is. 

     

     

     

     

  •  

    Ready or Not       

    Calendar with word party and wax candle and flame in yellow light uid

            It's Coming ....

  • Trying to Eat

    I did cut out early yesterday.  I didn't feel well.  I was exhausted, stressed, and headachy to start the day and that turned into exhausted, stressed, headachy and nauseated by the afternoon.  If it had been just a little bit worse, I'd have called it a migraine, but it wasn't that bad.  It just wasn't good and it wouldn't go away.

    I didn't sleep.  I tried to sleep.  I lay down, closed my eyes, and counted ... well, not sheep exactly.  More like visits from Santa, but that's not really the point here.  The point is that I didn't sleep.  So finally I stopped trying. 

    Turned on the television and watched Big Medicine.  The 1,000 pound man is down to a mere 560.  He's working out with a trainer, dancing in bed, doing his exercises ... and he ALMOST was able to stand last night.  He also wore clothes last night for the first time since he was introduced to us.  This man is literally so big that he lies naked in his bed.  That's hard for me to imagine, being so big that it's not a matter of whether you can get clothes to fit but whether you are able to physically maneuver your body to get into the clothes.

    It's a good show, but it didn't make me sleepy.  Or hungry for that matter.

    So I switched over to Bravo and watched a rerun of the Top Chef finale from Season One.  Tiffany still didn't win and we were all still happy about that.  She's passionate about food but just about seven or eight times more arrogant than even the real life chefs I've known.  And have you noticed that they tend to be among the most arrogant and condescending people on the face of the earth?  I guess it takes a certain amount of that to believe that you have the ability to serve a squid ink emulsion and that the people eating it will like it.  Squid ink.  I kid you not.  On the list of things that I hope to eventually come around to tasting, that doesn't even make the list. 

    I still wasn't hungry.  I still wasn't sleepy.  I don't quite know what to do with myself when I'm not feeling well enough to do anything and not feeling bad enough to pass out.

    Over the weekend I put a number of "This American Life" episodes onto my iPod and that's what helped me stay awake and alert as I was driving across Kansas.  I know that in the past I've promised that if I ever have to drive all the way across Kansas again I will put ice picks in my eyes.  I avoid that by never driving ALL the way across Kansas in one trip.  The 500+ miles to Topeka is far enough.

    So anyway while I was driving I listened to an episode called "What I learned From Television" or something like that.  They pestered poor David Rackof who watches zero television into an assignment in which he would deliberately watch 29 hours of television and report on his experience.  29 hours because that's what the average American watches in a week. 

    He reported on how excruciating it was to sit through 8 minutes.  He found a show about real housewives and said that it was about as exciting as watching paint dry.  (Blonde, shallow, fake-breasted, Republican paint.)  And for the most part that's about the same way I feel when I try to watch television.  I can sort of almost make it through a couple shows a week, but not really.  I don't just sit and watch it.  I fold clothes, go to the kitchen and wipe counters, and fuss with moisturizing my feet and whether the bootie socks I'm wearing will help or hurt my quest for softer heels. 

    It took David Rackof about 5 weeks to make it through 20 hours and that was mostly because he discovered that he could tolerate almost the full half hour of America's Funniest Home Videos.  He's made of sterner stuff than me.  I make it through maybe an hour a week. 

    I'm not a normal American.  Still I'm overweight, so I can't be kicked totally out of the club yet. 

     

  • Looks Aren't Everything

    Andrea just told me that I don't look so good and I should consider going home early.

    Now, to put this in context the person she spoke with just prior to telling me this she described as, "Obviously a spawn of Satan.  When she opens her mouth you can see the yawning pits of Hell complete with flying monkeys."

    Still, I may slip out a little early.

  • I'm home again

    It's a long way to Topeka and back.  A little over 1,000 miles.  I'm tired. 

    Hugs

  • The boys are packed ...

    What can I say?  In 24 hours I'll be driving them across Kansas.  Michael's birthday present will be wrapped and waiting in the trunk with a little tag that says, "Do not open until the 18th - Or until you can't wait anymore."

    I left for work this morning with Tucker still asleep in my bed. 

    Last night he snuggled up and said to me, "You know I'm leaving for the summer, but I need to be close to you now."  He's always worried about something.  This year he's worried that I'll die.  Last night he said, "Your Grandma died."

    Well, yes, but she was 94 years old.  I probably have at least a couple more years. 

    He says, "you can't know that."  He did allow that I'm not as fat as the people on "Big Medicine" so maybe I'm not in as much danger as I could be.  The Learning Channel can take us places that we really didn't need to go, you know?  And frankly, that whole Big Medicine thing is my sister's fault because she was the one who called and said, "You have to watch "Little People Big World" its really good, inspiring even." And you know how it goes when you settle in for an evening watching other people's lives, you stay tuned for the next show and the next show ...

    But to Tucker I say, "None of us ever knows how much time we have, so we have to make the most of the day we're living and not worry so much about the days ahead."

    Then he says the thing that turns it all around.  "What if something happens this summer and I die and I don't get to come home to you?"

    I can't be philosophical about that so I say, "can't happen, not allowed, Momi forbids it, if anything happens to you God is grounded and will have to do chores for all eternity."

    He giggles.

    He sleeps.

    I don't.

     

  • I Shouldn't have Asked ...

    Tucker: "It is SO quiet in here."

    Mom: "Really, how quiet is it."

    Tucker: "It's so quiet I can hear myself think ... my brain squeaks."

     

  • T Minus Two Weeks and Counting

    Yep - it's coming folks.  In a mere 14 days I will have completed my 44th trip around the sun.  How cool is that?  For some reason lately the circle seems more like a spiral that's moving more tightly in on itself.  Wasn't it only yesterday that I hit the 40 mark!

    I received an early prezzie today which thrilled my heart and totally gave a jump start to the celebration.  Someone who knows me very very well visited my Amazon wish list and gifted me with TWO Shakespeare plays and the wonderful Shakespeare in Love

    So tonight, I'm spending with my boys and the bard. 

         

    Today was a weird weird day.  Mid morning a co-worker came into my office to get a piece of candy.  That's not so unusual, I keep the candy bowl right in the window where everyone can see and most of them stop in to help themselves. 

    No, the unusual thing was the reason she needed the candy.  It seems that she had just BITTEN my boss and wanted to get the taste out of her mouth.  I kid you not.  Full on tooth to hand contact with verified chomp. 

       

    This quote arrived in my mailbox today and it struck me as exactly what I needed to hear.  Actually, I've heard several things spoken today that I needed to hear and some of them came from me. 

    "One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing."

    -- Morris L. West

  • Laughter Yoga?

    Have you heard of this?  Apparently those of us who don't get to watch Oprah regularly missed this when she had it on her show in late April.  But I ran across a report today that fascinates me.  People getting together just to laugh.  Just laugh.  There aren't any "positions" - no lotus, no dandelion, no crouching rabbit, running turtle - it's not that kind of yoga.  Just laughter. 

    Who'd a thunk?

    o_0