First Things First

How do you prioritize your day?  Your week?  Your life?

I've been thinking about that because I'm making such huge changes and I'm noticing that no one I've spoken with about it seems surprised by the choices I'm making, except maybe me.  From inside looking out it feels that my life is less determined and more ... fluid than I think it must appear from out there (in tv land?) 

Or maybe things are just more obvious from a distance. 

Surprisingly enough to me, employment is way further down on the list of priorities than I would have guessed until I stepped back and looked at what I'm choosing.  The kids come first.  Then well, they are probably second too.  Then there's peace of mind - that trumps a job that creates an ethical dilemma for me.  Then, well, this one doesn't seem as obvious when I think in terms of what I would prefer to do, but in reality my creative time is next.  I don't mind so much putting a job in jeopardy to assure myself time to take care of me and my writing.  Two summers in a row, I took off a week without pay and spent close to 10% of my entire annual income to attend the Iowa Summer Writing Festival.  (The first year, someone else paid my tuition or it would have been a lot more than 10% because my annual income was sadly lacking.)  If money weren't an issue, I'd do it again this year.

Employment is important.  I like having income.  I like doing something that is purposeful, meaningful.  But if I've learned any particular lesson over the past three years, it's that I'm capable of doing a lot of different things to earn money, and I'm capable of doing them well.  Not perfectly.  I'm not a superstar. 

(Well, except for where I am now, I'm pretty much a superstar in terms of creating ways to help people get their financial house in order, but the very nature of what I'm doing makes it a rather quiet superstardom.  My boss is in Reader's Digest taking credit, but I'm the one making it happen.  And you know what?  That's a good thing.  I am effective where I am.  And the fact that I know that people's lives are being changed is all the "shine" I need.)

So it comes back to me thinking about my priorities.  I was working with a client recently who was telling me what her top priorities were, and the whole time she's talking I'm thinking, "Who are you trying to kid here?"  Because her behavior has nothing to do with the things she was telling me.  SO I got her to back up and take a look at her decisions.  The major decisions that have led her to the place that led her to me were made under the influence of specific motivations.  When we went back and said, "Okay, what led you to choose ..... over .....?" We were able to construct a more realistic list of her priorities.

And that led me to stop and think about my own priorities.  What have I done?  What am I doing now?  What is really important to me?  Am I doing the things that are important?  Or am I doing the things that I think should be important? 

Monday, Monday ... Monday

Life and times are good today.  I still have decisions to make.  I still have details to work out.  I still have a boss to tell I'm leaving ... but other than that, things are all good. 

I don't know what I'll do for employment.

But I know I'll do something.

I'm certain that the kids will be in a better place and have MUCH better support. 

(Did you know that there are places in Albuquerque where people ride horses up to the shopping centers and tie 'em up at the hitching post outside while they go in for their latte?)

And in the meantime, I'm working and working. 

Oh, yes.  Things could be MUCH worse. 

Happy Mother's Day

Tucker made me breakfast in bed.  His Momi's heart is full to bursting. 

Time to Job Hunt Aggressively

Well, I have learned things I needed to know. I know which schools in Albuquerque are best equipped to handle Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I know which neighborhoods feed into those schools, and I met with a realtor who was able to find me a selection of homes in those neighborhoods that are in my price range.

So now - the only remaining thing to do is find a job.

Oh - and I discovered that Flying Star will do nicely to replace Panera Bread (which they don't have here.) Michelle the Realtor took us there last night and it was awesome. Wider selection of food, nicer dining room, a fireplace on the patio for cool summer nights, no NET NANNY on the free wireless network (it is reeeediculous that Panera won't let me log in to Xanga or HOTMAIL) ... yeah - I can live with this.

Did you know that New Mexico has an official state question? It's "Red or green?" - chiles of course. I usually go for green, Michael says "both" and he's heard from a couple different servers now "oh, you like Christmas!" So he's been laughing about eating Christmas.

The boys swam in the pool here at the hotel yesterday for hours. I sat at the side and watched and read the first half of "Memory Keeper's Daughter" which is a wonderful novel so far. We're meeting the Realtor again after we check out of the hotel to go and see some of the houses that I picked out last night. Right now, that's more wishful thinking than anything, but Oh, it would be Grand if we can move straight into a house and not have to move again.

Anyway, We're having a good Friday.

FYI:
On this day, in 1858 the state of Minnesota was admitted into the Union. It was from Minnesota that we got the stapler, water skis and roller blades, Scotch tape, Bisquick, Bob Dylan, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Spam... And Michael and Tucker.

It was REAL comfortable under my blanket, good times had by all.  (see blog below)

Swamp Swamp Swampulated!!!

I am trying to get everything and then some done before I go out of town later this week, so I'm working pretty much non-stop.  I don't like when my nose is that close to the grindstone.  But you gotta do what you gotta do - right?

I got all Michael's records from the school.  I'm ready.  I just need a call back now from one more person. 

The snow is melted, I'm back in my really cool shoes.  It's a good day.  I've already met with two clients and had a promising conversation with a business partner - so work is going well.  They are SO gonna miss me around here. 

Relief

There is one perfect stall
in the women's room of Stellar Enterprises, LLC
not too far from the door, not too close to the sink
the arc of natural progress from the entrance leads
smoothly to the goldenrod door.
Mr Kim likes to wax there. 
He props open the door, and buffs and buffs
sometimes twice a day, like this day.
The floor reaches a sublime radiance
while I wait, and stare at its wet gleaming tile.

He smiles at me.  Says something I don't understand.
I appear as though I am going to step on his floor
panic and dismay.  Stop you cray-zed woman.
There are other stalls, in the crowded, noisy part
of the building where others don't notice the
pleasing details, flowers in the corner,
mint green paint against that goldenrod.
I mentioned the goldenrod right? 
I always notice that especially
while I stand outside, and wait.  

Brrrrrrr

I went to sleep last night with my window open, enjoying the sounds of a Spring rain.  I woke up this morning to snow on the ground and my room is stinkin' cold!

There will be more to come later.  I'm getting back under the blankets while the place warms up.

A Moveable Feast

Dawn reminded me the other day that no matter where I go, my Xanga friends go with me.  Thank God. 

The session with our therapist went very well yesterday.  I love her more every time we see her.  She had Michael "talking" through drawing about his feelings at school and the situation with him being teased.  He drew pictures of his own personal superhero, whom he calls "Spice Man," and all the ways that Spice Man can protect him from bad people.  (Breathing fiery breath seems to be the current favorite.) 

Tucker, who can never let himself contemplate "happy thoughts" much less talk about them, was enticed into the magical room of a thousand toys (I don't know how many figures are really in this room but it is an amazing place).  He was able to construct a diarama on a sand table of things that make him happy.  Pigs, birds, trees, treasures, rainbows, ... he put Superman in the picture and some other curious things.

Then Julie talked with me about the results of the discussion with the School Coordinator and what my best options are.  She agreed with me that keeping Michael where he is would not be a good thing.  There's no accountability, no one who knows what they are doing who can guide the teachers to do it any better.

We briefly discussed whether moving to a different Colorado district would be an option, but then we both said at the same time, "That's only postponing the inevitable."  With the waiting list for adult services over 7 years long, she agreed with me that it would be better to get Michael to a place where we can settle in, he can have continuity of services, and I can get started on the rest of our lives.  If I'm going to have to start over, better not to put that off because the longer I wait the harder it will be.

It's nice to be affirmed in my decision.  She's a very affirming person.  In a way that goes far beyond that of previous therapists I've known.  She has made a point every week of noting the specific things she's observed or heard from the kids that show the strengths of our little family.  And we do have significant strengths. 

The boys are 100% solid in their belief and understanding that Momi loves them and will do whatever is necessary to make sure they have what they need.  Not necessarily everything that want, but if it's a need, there's no quibbling.  Michael told her that he doesn't always get a response from the teachers if he tells them someone is being mean to him.  But if he tells his Mom, she calls the school and things get fixed.  

It's no secret to my long time readers that I'm in love with the Land of Enchantment.  I fell in love with New Mexico when I was a child.  I came out to Glorieta, NM for summer conferences when I was in high school.  I brought a group of troubled teens to camp in the mountains outside Taos when I was in my early 20s.  And then I didn't have opportunity to come back this way until three years ago. 

I've gone down several times for weekend trips since I've been in Colorado and I still love it as much as ever.  The arts community in and around Santa Fe and Taos is strong.  And I am looking forward to being plugged in to some of the opportunities for creative growth there.  But I'm looking at Albuquerque for the move. 

Since the boys are out of school on Friday, I have contacted the Autism Resource Team in the Albuquerque school system for us to meet with them and plan the transition.  Autism Resource TEAM - doesn't that sound nice?  There is also a transition team, a Parent IEP Training schedule ... it may not be as wonderful as it sounds on the website, but it sounds a lot better than here. 

I have high hopes for this meeting. 

As for work, well, the board decided on Friday that they are not going to hire Denise for fundraising.  They all love me and are thrilled with what I have accomplished, but no one mentioned increasing my pay to compensate for the additional work I'm expected to do with Denise gone.  And unless I managed to talk her out of it in my not-so-subtle way, the only other person in the organization who is in a position to offer me any support, is planning to quit.  As of Friday afternoon she was telling me that she planned not to show up in the morning. 

I'm invested in this program.  I created it.  I know that I'm making a difference in the lives of the people we are taking in as clients.  But I can't do it by myself.  And I'm not sure why I would want to under my conditions of employment.  There's not enough money.  I have to pay for my medical insurance.  There's no dental.  There are no vacation or sick days at all in the first year.  There are no sick days ever but after a year we can request a week of vacation.  Up until then, anytime we take off for any reason is unpaid leave. 

Surely I can do better than that.  Or at least no worse. 

Two Steps Closer:

A Tolkien thought: Despair, or folly? It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.  I don't know when I started seeing the future as something to be dreaded rather than anticipated with pleasure.  There will be good days and bad ahead.  And we'll make it through them both.

School:

I talked with the Special Services Coordinator yesterday.  I learned that she doesn't coordinate autism services only, but also all the gifted and talented programs and students - district wide.  She's a very pleasant person.  She interviewed Michael and found him to be "charming and sweet."  She reviewed his records and said that she could see the basis for the decision to remove him from Spec Ed last fall, BUT that there needed to be education because the thinking there was faulty.  You don't tell an autistic kid that you can't accommodate him because he doesn't have an intellectual impairment.  (And you sure don't tell that same kid's parent ...)

She is planning to work with me and the school to remedy the situation.  I'm planning to move.  That's my remedy.  I know she's a nice lady.  And in truth the educators working with Michael are probably all nice and well-intentioned people. However, she is only one person trying to do the work of at least six positions; and they don't have his best interest as their top priority.  The Special Ed coordinators for his school are concerned about costs, scores, and reports - not the needs of this individual student.  I am sure that we can make them take him back, but I'm not convinced that this is in his best interest.  After all, this is the same team of people who allowed him to be so teased and become so isolated that he has been eating lunch alone since January.  (I'm still angry about that simply because I thought that the counselor was dealing with it.  But no.  I was wrong.)

Work:

Today (in about 30 minutes) the Board of Directors will be meeting.  I'll present to them the program growth Since I became the Director.  It's impressing even me.  We didn't quite double the number of clients from end of March to end of April, but that's in large part because we are running low on money and I was told to "throttle back" - we did however see a 70% increase, so even at only partial steam ahead, I did good. 

I'm helping people.  That's something that I forget to talk about sometimes when I'm ranting and raving about the things that are difficult here.  I'm helping people.  I listen, I find places where they can get the things they need, I write letters, and I sit down every day and work one to one with clients to help them become financially stable.  I feel really good about that.

The thing I feel the best about is that I have put together a program that is replicable.  I can teach someone to do what I do, they don't have to be me.  So giving notice isn't a scary thought for me.  I'll give them plenty of time to find another me, I'll train that person, and then I'll be moving on with a clear conscience because I've designed a program that can keep making a difference in a lot of people's lives for a long long time after I'm gone from here.

Stuff: 

The worst part about getting paid twice a month versus every other week is that sometimes the pay days fall rather inconveniently relative to the days that I would like to have my money.  For instance, I will be paid on Monday.

Tucker and Michael are looking ahead to summer and they have put in their requests.  They have plans to go shopping tomorrow.  o_0 

Oh well. 

Drama: 

We also had a tragedy yesterday.  When we got home from school, we (and by we I mean Tucker) discovered that the little bird died sometime during the day.  I'm not sure what we did wrong if anything.  To the best of my ability, I made sure that Tucker was taking care of her, and she seemed happy and well enough.  I went back to the pet store and they were mystified as well, there was no sign of ill-health (other than that she was dead.) We were all very sad last night. 

I know that he would like to replace her right away, but now we are two weeks closer to summer, and I'm planning a move.  I'm gonna explain to Tucker that it would be best if he were to wait until he's back here before getting a new bird.

AND:

I'm two steps closer to moving.  Things are clearly not working at the school.  I don't expect things to change with my boss here.  And I can't see any reason to put it off.  I want to go.  It's good for the kids if we go.  We're going. 

Update:  I don't actually do crack, that was a wisecrack.  I'm way too .. ahem ... frugal ... for that nonsense. 

The Last of All ...

Viktor Frankl, who suffered through Auschwitz where his parents and his wife were murdered, said that in the end, no matter what is taken from you, we all retain the basic human freedom, we have the ability always to choose how we will respond.

Lately, my response to difficulty has been to whine (I can hear my best friend now saying, "It's not whining!"), but it's a least a WHOLE lot of talking about how weird and wrong things are.  If I'm not whining, talking and complaining about it, I'm doing self-destructive things: like adopting profanity, over-eating, and crack as coping mechanisms.

What a really lame way to use my freedom.

Because I sleep with my window open as many nights of the year as possible, I woke to the sound of rain and the clean realization that I can stop stressing about some things that were worrying me when I went to bed last night. 

1_ Since the insurance isn't going to cover the damage to my car, there's no huge rush to get it fixed.  I can take my time, make sure that I deal with the other priority things first (right now that's getting the kids ready to go off for the summer) and fix it when I'm good and ready.

2_ The situation at work is really untenable, both for the short and the long term.  In Denise's absense, and without any indication that the board plans to hire a replacement any time soon, I am simply overwhelmed.  (Andrea gave me a copy of the Maryland Standards yesterday and even a cursory read showed me so many places where we fall short of the standard that I am gonna be working like a madwoman to fill in those gaps.)  I need to plan my day to do what I reasonably can, and leave the rest for tomorrow, new rule: NO MORE BRINGING HOME WORK. 

3_ It's time to be pro-active finding help for Michael and a better school situation.  I plan to tell Matt today that I'm taking off a couple days next week to look at different options including a private school, including an interview with the public school personnel in the city to which I may be moving sooner than soon which would render problem number two on the list someone else's problem anyway. 

Rain at 4 a.m. falls into a dream;
the man chasing me with a butcher knife
is slowed by puddles I skip lightly across.
Streaks of silver blue wash smooth
the furrow on my brow.
Boy in the next room moves in his sleep,
smacks his lip and murmurs.
Cold breeze, and rain beckon
me to breakfast on richest fare,
aroma rising from the grass,
sharp tang of Spring on my tongue
and nothing to worry about
in a world washed clean before dawn. 

My circumstances are no differnt than they were last night when I crawled between my sheets, but I'm feeling like I'm in the midst of a "lucky go happy" streak that is bolstering my optimism and my sense of purpose.  I may have to come back and write more later.  I have had three different conversations this week that are making a foundational shift in my outlook on life.  I'll probably do something really rash but entirely satisfying as a result.  Like ... lying on my back blowing bubbles in the breeze.