Feats of Strength

I picked the boys up from school a little early for doctor's appointments.  Tucker's teacher came out to talk with me.  That's usually never a good thing.  But yesterday there was an incident where another child fell from the ladder of the slide, and Tucker was the one who went straight to him and helped him while the other kids stood back. 

The child wasn't seriously injured, and later he gave Tucker a "Caught Caring".  That's a little piece of paper that just says, "I could tell you cared about me when you .... " and in all the time that Tucker has been in this school, and been in this class that's the first time that he's gotten one.  It made his day.

And his Mom's day.

This has been a hard road and a hard year for Tucker.  He's beset by challenges that the other kids don't understand.  He has issues not only with the ADHD but also with low blood sugar.  And he alternates between unexplainable hyperactivity and unexplainable crying as a result of these things which are out of his control.  But he also makes bad choices.  We all feel badly from time to time, some of us for much of the time, but everyone has choices about what they do to cope with their feelings.

So for Tucker to make enough of a turnaround in one week with the choices that he makes and to come home with the "Caught Caring" is a feat of strength that deserved a nice visual reinforcement. 

After our appointments, I took the boys to Zio's Italian Kitchen to celebrate with a nice dinner and then we headed out to Mr Biggs where the Strength Team were doing demonstrations of some rather amazing things.  One young body builder blew up a hot water bottle until it burst.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have the strength to do something like that.  My understanding is that he has to resist over 800 pounds of pressure. 

The oldest and largest of the group included in his stats that he leg presses 1600 pound weights.  Another of the men on the team has been Mr Michigan and competed several times in the Mr Universe body building competition. 

All week these guys have been visiting area schools with messages to resist drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, to make healthy choices and build strong bodies, and most important of all to stay in school and pursue the highest education level to gain the possibility of a decent future.

Another Xangan has until recently posted a quote from Philo of Alexandria that says, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  We can't know what battles other people are fighting, and we also can't know how difficult those battles are.  I'm pretty out there, I think that people who read this site know about my battles.  But if you didn't read here, if say for instance you just happened to know me casually through work or something, would you have any idea of the many neurotic issues I carry around? 

You'd probably know about my shoe obssession if you saw me regularly ...

But anyway, the point is that yesterday was a day of impressive feats of strength.  And to all who are fighting their battles and NOT LOSING - I say, "Grab on and don't let go.  Fight for compassion and honor and justice and dignity.  Fight your battle because you are worth it." 

I tried to take photos, but the demonstration was outside and the light was fading quickly so I didn't get many that are usable. 

TGIF

I used to love Fridays for entirely different reasons.  Now, I'm just happy to have made it through another week. 

This week, has been drama, trauma, and turmoil around here.  But the drama that began it seems to have resolved pretty well.  Tucker has pulled it out and had three excellent days in a row at school. 

The trauma happened on Wednesday afternoon when a woman rear-ended me as I was on my way home from work.  I found out yesterday that the insurance card she showed me had an expired policy number.  Great.  So now my insurance liability adjuster is trying to track her down to determine whether that was an honest mistake or whether she was uninsured at the time.  Because if she's uninsured, I'll be writing the check to fix the damage and that's made me less than a happy camper.

Turmoil?  That's work.  The next time someone offers me a great opportunity with a start-up organization, I hope someone else will just slap me good and hard. 

On the up side though, total strangers stopped me yesterday morning in the coffee line to tell me that my incredibly cool strappy Antonio Melani peep-toed sandals are hot.  (they are) and mid-morning yesterday, Andrea, the Executive Assistant in our office (very cool woman) told me (again) that she loves to watch me walk and that she hopes to be able to do it like that when she grows up.  I'll tell you, put that butter soft leather around your toes and ANYONE would walk like that. 

Oh yeah, that makes it better. 

My friend, Nicole, sent me an email that has the "Rules" for sandal wearing.  I'm sure it's gone around but I want to share some of the more important rules here: 

Alright ladies, it's that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things. So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below...   
  
  
The Open Toed Shoe Pledge
 As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes: 
 
I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps. 
 
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. 
 
I will shave the hairs off my big toe. 
 
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there. 
 
I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him. 
 
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages. 
 
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good. 
 
I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 or 20 and worth EVERY penny). 

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals. 

Happy Friday

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
this is how it ends
your voice so small
it can't form a capital I
my anger so large
I can't speak it out.
you said, i'm sorry
vague, ineffectual, helpless
meaning you're really
uncomfortable having this
conversation the way you
were completely comfortable
when you betrayed
meaning that it's all over
and if I speak any of that aloud
I'm the mean one
because you said,
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

Does it work?  I liked the "meaning," "meaning," "mean" thing running through this because I want to show a scene where the "non-apology" is the mean thing.

A Moment of Silence

.

.

.

.

When children bleed and parents' hearts are breaking all across the country with fear, and grief,  there is nothing I can say, but I must acknowledge the depth of an emotion that can't be spoken aloud above a river of tears.

.

.

Weird Dreams

I had a strange dream.  Since I recovered the ability to dream when I stopped having sleep apnea, I have been fascinated by my dreams and try to remember them as often as I can.  I dreamt that I wanted a tattoo.  A nice little tattoo of Snoopy Dancing on my left shoulderblade.

The tattoo artist argued with me.  He kept telling me that he just couldn't in good conscience put it there because it clashed with the large green dragon that covered one half of my rear end and wound it's tail down to my ankle.  (I don't actually have such a green dragon tattoo, it was a dream, okay)

So I woke up wondering why I have to argue with every body about everything. 

I mean surely if I want a Snoopy Tattoo, it's no one's place to tell me I can't because it doesn't suit their taste.

Or maybe it's about my need to argue with myself.  There are things I want out of life.  And Cool Mary has observed that the primary obstacle to my having those things seems to be my own lack of willingness to make my wants and needs a priority.  Of course, I tend to argue about it, but even so I can't say that she's entirely off base there.  It does seem that I spend at least as much time doing things that I think I should be doing, rather than things I choose because they meet my needs.

I'm worried about my child.  Okay, both my children.  Michael is being teased and bullied, which apparently is a fact of life for a staggeringly high percentage of autistic kids.  Tucker is just simply not coping with his "shoulds."  He doesn't like school, he doesn't like noise, and he doesn't particularly care to adapt his day to accomodate either of those realities, so he generally chooses to resist with the best guerilla tactics of any ten-year old anywhere.

He cries, he pinches, he shoves people, he has headaches, he has stomach aches, he has leg aches, and oh, by the way, he's pretty sure that everyone hates him and is out to get him.  I have been awake since 2 am trying to figure out what I'm going to do.  I have fought the battle for three years trying to find a balance between the amount of time I spend working to support this little family financially and the amount of time I can devote to being with the boys and giving them the love and support they need. 

I firmly believe that every kid deserves to have someone in his life who is crazy about him.  (or her - I just happen to have boys).  And God knows that I'm crazy in love with these guys, but some days, I think I'm just crazy.

But I know that I will do anything and everything I can to help these children.  And because my heart is breaking for 33 sets of parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and friends who will never have the opportunity to do so again, I'm hugging my children today and telling them that I love them.   

Serene Sunday

Feling rather quiet today.  Not sure if it's the quiet after the storm or the eye of the hurricane.  Things have been really wild around here lately, and I'm hoping that we are gonna get a break today.

The kids and I had really good family time last night.  We made "appetizers" and french fries for dinner.  Played a game.  Then went browsing at pet stores. 

Tucker brought along his clipboard so he could make notes about which stores and which pets were best. 

Today, I have a roast in the oven and we have friends coming over this afternoon.  Another single mom and her son who is somewhere in between the ages of Michael and Tucker.  We'll do lunch, then play a game together, and then turn the kids loose to lie around and do their thing while The Moms play with jewelry making stuff. 

*****

Bit of a Rant

An article at Forbes Online listed the top ten most expensive divorces in the country. 

And what I noticed was that they didn't seem to have any concept that a wife is a valuable person, or that she should be able to leave a marriage with an equitable division of assets.  They seemed to think that anything awarded to the wife or to the children was a "cost" to the husband and a "gain" to the wife. 

How bizarre.

The days, weeks and months before the divorce, she was a partner in a relationship with a large amount of wealth.  The day after the divorce, she was a grasping leech who "gained" - and let's be looking at this in percentages.  Not one of the divorces listed resulted in the wife receiving more than 50% of the couple's assets.  In several of them, the husband was left with 90% or more.  But because these were huge assets to begin with, her 10% is a large number relative to what most of the rest of us will ever expect to have.

I know that men in general will never see things from a woman's perspective.  And even some women have difficulty getting it.  I realize that I'm very fortunate that Tim's wife came into her relationship with him with a desire to be a part of the "team" that supports Michael and Tucker. 

That's a sharp contrast that to the "2nd wives movement" that I've read about where new wives come into the relationship determined to do whatever they can up to and including repeated returns to family courts to seek limits on the financial and other support the man gives to his former wife and whatever children they have. 

Shame on them.

Most women after divorce see their standard of living and that of their children drop by several economic classes and many fall all the way to poverty level or below.  (I did.)  Some women experience "situational poverty" from which they are able to recover.  But many others struggle with expensive and inadequate child care, lack of health insurance, and the inability to cover the basic costs of raising children with underemployment and low wages. 

Single moms have a difficult time in the labor market.  Some of the people who have interviewed me over the past three years have been blatant in telling me that they don't hire single moms because they see us as unreliable workers.  They fear that the single mom will miss more work because there is no one to take care of the kids in the event of illness or emergency.

They are wrong.  As a group, single moms are the most frightened people out there when it comes to money. We know that if we miss a day of work, that's a 20% pay cut for the week, and that might mean that we have to say "no" to school pictures, or to new tennis shoes, or to the field trip that costs $12 plus a sack lunch.  (That's on my mind because Tucker's class is scheduled to go to the zoo in a week or so.) 

Most divorced American women do not receive any kind of "maintenance" support, or if they do it is miniscule.  What they receive is a child support award.  And I'm convinced that child support is a necessary evil.  I've heard from man after man after man that the child support he pays is unfair because he doesn't like that he "owes" a part of his income to "her."  Men have expressed to me that they resent the child support provision and feel like that they do more than their part if they live up to that obligation.

In reality, those support awards are a thin percentage compared to his total income, and they rarely come close to covering the cost of housing, food, clothing, medical, childcare, and the other basic expenses of raising a child. 

The next time you see an article about how "expensive" a divorce was, look to see who's perspective that article was written from. Because the persons in this country who bear the most of the expense of a divorce are not the men who retain about 80% of marital assets on average, but the women and children who lose 80% of their foundation.

High profile celebrity divorces garner a lot of attention, and it's true that even walking away with $6 million of a $60 million estate seems like more than enough to live on.  But the reality is that the women who get 10% mostly do not start from a place where they are negotiating for millions, they are hoping for a piece of a much smaller pie, and what they get is a long way from fair or equitable.

I'm gonna take the plunge ...

So don't be alarmed, changes are coming.  I'm creating a "theme" for my page.  I'm not sure whether I'm gonna like this yet, but I've been needing to make a change or two or twelve.  This page hasn't changed it's look for two years.  It is time. 

They're Baaaack! 

Thanks to Moniet, my array of smileys now contains the ones I was missing the most.  You may Devil to your heart's content without losing the Dancing Cow or the Frog. 

OKay - I still can't get my former smiley changing java script to work.  I installed a Smiley array for comments.  Does anyone know how to swap out the smileys in the array for the ones I like?  I really want my little devil guy back.  You'd just be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) how often he's just the only appropriate thing to say.

I am tired of being awake in the middle of the night. 

Thursday ... (updated)

it's not Friday the 13th, not yet anyway, but you sure couldn't tell it from the way today is going so far.  It is weren't for bad luck we'd have no luck at all - gloom, despair, and agony, oh me!

3:00 - Awake staring at alarm clock which is set to go off at 4:50.  I toss, turn, don't go back to sleep, finally get up and read.

5:30 - leave house for 6:00 meeting

5:50 - discover that the street - the ONLY street - that leads to the meeting place is closed for street work.  I found a back way through a field to a parking area inside a chain linked fence at the back side of the place. 

6:00 - presentation

6:30 - swing through the drive through place to pick-up breakfast for the boys

6:35 - home to wake the boys and get them ready for school

7:30 - drop Tucker at school

7:33 - school called to tell me he threw up

7:50 - back at home

8:55 - I lie down on the other end of the couch from Tucker thinking that I'll catch a quick nap

9:03 - Tucker discovers that the hamster is dead

9:04-10:00 - I clean and disinfect the hamster cage

10:45 - Michael calls from school to tell me that he thinks he's getting a headache in his knee

I can't wait til after lunch.

11:10 - It started to snow

11:35 - Michael calls back from school - the school nurse is on the phone to tell me that he has a temp of 99.9

11:47 - a DEER steps into the road in front of me as I'm driving through the snow to Michael's school to pick him up - luckily, I was driving slow and I stopped without hitting it.  The deer sauntered off.

I really need a nap