April 17, 2007

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  A Moment of Silence

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  When children bleed and parents' hearts are breaking all across the country with fear, and grief,  there is nothing I can say, but I must acknowledge the depth of an emotion that can't be spoken aloud above a river of tears.

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  Weird Dreams

  I had a strange dream.  Since I recovered the ability to dream when I stopped having sleep apnea, I have been fascinated by my dreams and try to remember them as often as I can.  I dreamt that I wanted a tattoo.  A nice little tattoo of Snoopy Dancing on my left shoulderblade.

  The tattoo artist argued with me.  He kept telling me that he just couldn't in good conscience put it there because it clashed with the large green dragon that covered one half of my rear end and wound it's tail down to my ankle.  (I don't actually have such a green dragon tattoo, it was a dream, okay)

  So I woke up wondering why I have to argue with every body about everything. 

  I mean surely if I want a Snoopy Tattoo, it's no one's place to tell me I can't because it doesn't suit their taste.

  Or maybe it's about my need to argue with myself.  There are things I want out of life.  And Cool Mary has observed that the primary obstacle to my having those things seems to be my own lack of willingness to make my wants and needs a priority.  Of course, I tend to argue about it, but even so I can't say that she's entirely off base there.  It does seem that I spend at least as much time doing things that I think I should be doing, rather than things I choose because they meet my needs.

  I'm worried about my child.  Okay, both my children.  Michael is being teased and bullied, which apparently is a fact of life for a staggeringly high percentage of autistic kids.  Tucker is just simply not coping with his "shoulds."  He doesn't like school, he doesn't like noise, and he doesn't particularly care to adapt his day to accomodate either of those realities, so he generally chooses to resist with the best guerilla tactics of any ten-year old anywhere.

  He cries, he pinches, he shoves people, he has headaches, he has stomach aches, he has leg aches, and oh, by the way, he's pretty sure that everyone hates him and is out to get him.  I have been awake since 2 am trying to figure out what I'm going to do.  I have fought the battle for three years trying to find a balance between the amount of time I spend working to support this little family financially and the amount of time I can devote to being with the boys and giving them the love and support they need. 

  I firmly believe that every kid deserves to have someone in his life who is crazy about him.  (or her - I just happen to have boys).  And God knows that I'm crazy in love with these guys, but some days, I think I'm just crazy.

  But I know that I will do anything and everything I can to help these children.  And because my heart is breaking for 33 sets of parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and friends who will never have the opportunity to do so again, I'm hugging my children today and telling them that I love them.   

   

  • 1:50 pm
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