June 25, 2006

• Dreaming and Falling ...

  
  

  For most of my life I've had a dream.  I visited New Mexico for the first time when I was three and my parents brought me to Albuquerque to visit my Aunt Oleta.  When I was 16 I came back to the Glorieta conference center for a week of Youth "Camp".  (The tee shirts my sister and I are wearing in the photo I posted last week, are both from New Mexico.)  I fell in love with the "land of enchantment" and it's been my hope for 27 years to live there. Over the years I've returned to Glorieta, brought juvenile delinquents camping in the mountains outside Taos, and vacationed in Santa Fe.  But I've never come close to my dream of living there.

  
  

  I want to go back to school.  I've wanted to return and continue my education ever since I got my BS in Business Administration over 20 years ago. 

  
  

  The University of New Mexico has a program that seems so tailor-made for me that it could have been designed with my dreams in mind.  (A dual masters in English and Philosophy.)  No, I don't know what exactly I would "do" with it.  Certainly, I intend to write, I'd also like to teach.  I know that you can write and publish without a degree, but I want the degree. 

  
  

  SO I was on the verge of realizing my dreams.  Everything was lined up.  And then I got this call from the people who offered me the job working for the non-profit here in Colorado Springs.  And it threw me into ... okay I know this is melodramatic, but it put me in agony.  My dream versus security.  My dream versus ... well, an entirely different dream.

  
  

  My best friend encouraged me by listening to everything they told me about the position and saying, "You were born to do this job."  And that may be true.  But as "the course of true love never did run smooth," neither does the course of true destiny. 

  
  

  I met with them again on Thursday.  Things are proceeding in terms of setting up the programs, getting all the legal p's and q's accounted for and figuring out all the "nationally scalable" options.  But in the meantime, I don't think they have any idea what they want ME to bring to this table.  They are meeting with the heads of huge Credit Unions, Vice Presidents of Bank of America, and other similarly high flying people in their quest to design the perfect (or at least best option at the moment) service of this type in the nation. 

  
  

  And after listening to the explanation of all that they are doing, the man who will be my boss asked me, "until we are ready to bring you on board full-time, what's the least amount I could pay you to retain your services for part-time consulting."  Sigh.  That's a long long way from the salary offer made at our last meeting.  I told him what I have to bring home per week in order to meet my expenses and said however that works out on a per hourly basis, that's what I need.  So if he's dividing it by 15 hours, 20 hours or whatever, that's what I need him to do for me.  It was a ridiculously low sum of money I named and I can't help wonder if I have commited myself to a huge mistake. 

  
  

  I've been asking that same question every night since our meeting in Mid May.  But on the basis of the oroginal offer he made me, I've committed myself to at least another year in Colorado Springs.  I've signed a lease on a great new place and I'm moving in this week.  I'd already given notice to my current position.  But I haven't even looked for anything else.

  
  

  As it stands, I have no definite "start date", no agreed upon salary, no clear idea of what it is they want me to do.  I do have savings, I've already tapped that savings to pay for the move into the condo, and I will tap it further to buy new furniture.  I want a sofa and the kids desperately need beds for their rooms.  At the end of the day, if this job dries up, I believe I have enough reserves to carry me through until I can find something that will support us here.  But it's a bitter thing to contemplate that all I've worked so hard to accomplish financially may be wiped out as a result of my choice to rely on that offer.

  
  

  So what am I going to do?

  
  

  One thing I know, I'm tired of waking up in the night with tears on my face and I'd be appreciative of a few solid answers. 

  
  

  I'm sure that someone will point out that just because I'm committed to another year in Colorado doesn't mean that I will never have my dream.  And I know as well that 43 isn't quite the end of the highway for me yet.  But can I admit that I'm starting to feel that it's never going to happen?  To think that someday, there's going to be a funeral where my kids might say, "she was a great Mom, took care of us, worked hard to be a good friend and give back to the people around her.  And ... what was that thing she always wanted to do?"

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 10:36 am
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