June 20, 2006

  • Looking Back to Go Forward


    I mentioned in my Saturday evening pseudoblog that I lost 5.2 pounds last week,  I did that because I have been following a program that I've known about all my life and for whatever reason, never tried.  I joined Weight Watchers.  They have the best track record in the industry for the past 40+ years. They don't promise impossible results.  And they monitor members on a weekly basis. 


    I know that most people are motivated by that coming weigh-in date to stick with it and lose that pound or two or maintain.  I am motivated by that weekly weigh-in to NOT lose more than my "goal".    I have confessed in this space before that I have a real love/hate relationship with my body and with the scale.  I got so heavy that I felt fear for my life and health coupled with an intense self-loathing and helplessness.  Then, I started losing.


    At first, I started losing because I "just cut back", but then I became obsessed with losing and before it was over I was ... addicted to self-destructive behavior.  I was proud of myself and my discipline on the days that I managed to get by eating fewer than 500 calories.  It was a power trip.  And on the days that I "slipped" or couldn't help myself because I was in a public place or at a public function where I felt that I HAD to eat in order to avoid the appearance of rudeness, I would go home and throw up, or take a handful of laxatives. 


    It was another way of despising myself.  But then ... well, I got scared again.  Because once again I realized that all my "control" was an illusion.  I was just as out of control as ever.  Only now I was getting positive feedback for it.


    That was a little over a year ago.  I sought the help and support of my closest friends, and they have loved me enough to "keep me honest" with myself.  Only, letting go of the pills and the vomiting and trying to eat like a "normal" person was putting pounds back on my body.  I could feel it building up in me again.  I even said it to Cool Mary a few weeks ago, said it out loud, meant it and then kind of freaked out about it that I was frustrated enough to go back to pills and puking. 


    Well, Cool Mary had a better idea. 


    Join Weight Watchers. 


    If you start losing more than 2 pounds a week, they sit down, counsel you, make you see your doctor ... in other words they hold you accountable on both sides.  They show you how to eat healthily so you can lose weight, and they show you how to eat healthily so losing weight is not hazardous to your health. 


    My first week was last week.  In your first week you are "allowed" to lose extra because they know that your body will lose water.  But then things should settle down into a more or less steady weight loss pattern. 


    I'm only ten days into this thing so I'm not even past the baby steps of the program.  But I have hope that I am hooked into something that will really help me.


    And I found this photo.  I was 16 when it was taken, my sister Sam was 14.  She weighed about 10 pounds less than the goal Weight Watchers has set for me, and I weighed about 10 pounds more than that goal.  So I'm shooting for that space right between us. 


    It seems like I've spent 25 years trying to get back to where I was when this photo was taken.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm on the path to finally get there.


Comments (14)

  • You should be proud of yourself for being so honest both with yourself, and for being brave enough to come out and tell other people. You inspire me!

  • I like what you just shared about weight watchers.  I am finally on the weight loosing road, and everything I've read says slow is the best way...even if it is just that.  SLOW.  May you continue on...in a healthy way. 

  • I have a friend who joined Weight Watchers online recently and now I think I should consider it as well.  I've tried it before--to be honest, there's not a diet out there I haven't tried, pills, starving, cabbage, rice, all except the puking.  Thanks for providing some inspiration and good luck to you on getting there. 

  • Good for you. I think God is giving me the same message I keep ending up in front of the local Weight Watchers, smile, Judi

  • Isn't it weird how we can look at a picture and know exactly how much we weighed at the moment?  lol

    I have been doing WW for almost 9 weeks now and I am so glad I went back.  I'm down nearly 25 lbs!  Congrats to you.  I encourage you to stop by the message boards on the website.  The newbie board is a lot of fun.

  • One of my closest friends (MaryR, who I can't talk into actually posting something in her Xanga blog, but she did set one up, which is more than any of my other non-Xanga friends have done) swears by Weight Watchers.  It's a great program.

  • Ooh!  I lied.  She did post something in December 2004!  I'd forgotten.  (Speaking of forgetting, I think she's forgotten her password, and I don't think she cares.  So I didn't lie by all that much.)


  • Mike

  • It's quite true that if you have already had problems with weight loss, it's better to have professionals monitoring your progress. That way any incipient difficulties can be caught right away. I struggle with my weight too, and I wish you all the very best with WW!

  • Way to go! I think Americans as a group are impatient-- we expect instant gratification, which is why so many people go in for these fads that promise drastic losses in short time. Physiologically and psychologically, it sounds to me like the WW approach is far more sound.

  • Nice that you are using a very sensible approach here. While I don't generally have a weight problem I did at one time. i tend to gain, lose, gain, lose, gain .... Ihear this is not the best tihing to do. I hope others trying to diet read your post.

  • Keep up the great baby steps!  Your boys deserve a healthy YOU.    And so do you.

  • You can do it!!!!!!!!!!! *super hug*

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