"It's astounding how I can shrink the world to resemble the navel I am contemplating." Carol Lloyd

"It's gratifying that I can find someone else who made the navel comment so I didn't have to admit it!"  Quiltnmomi

For Mother's Day, I took the kids to Mr Bigg's Family Fun Center.   Tucker was too short and a year too young to be allowed to drive the go-karts.  SO, I sacrificed and agreed to be his driver.  Ahem, we sort of ... won every race (5) even though we accidentally illegally bumped one of the other cars one time.  But hey, the attendant missed it, and well, the other driver had a pink ribbon in her hair and no matter HOW nasty we had to be, there was no WAY we were loosing to a pink ribbon, uhn uh, no way. 

Tucker says, "Mom, if you would have drove the way you do on Academy, we could have REALLY left them in the dust."  o_0

SOOOOO

Can someone explain the friends thing to me?  I finally checked my email and discovered that some of my Xanga Friends had invited me to be an official Xanga Friend. Then I discovered that I had been invited to be a friend by some people back when Xanga first introduced this thing and those invites have expired.  So ... How do you send an invite?  How can I let them know that I WANT to be friends.  I really really do!  I just didn't know I'd been invited.

Some days, I feel like I'm a couple months behind everyone else, and some days I find out it isn't just a feeling anymore.  And I can't fight this feeling anymore.  I've forgotten what I started fighting for. 

And then we come up on a tight curve, squeeze to the inside and leave 'em wondering who was that masked woman with the cackling hyena child buckled in next to her.

No, I didn't go to church this morning, but I read Psalms (no not the whole thing, just a half dozen of the ones where David complains that the Lord isn't living up to His part of the bargain.)  And I listened to Praise music while I went back to bed for an hour or two just because it's Mother's Day and I can lay in bed if I want to --- Nyah Nyah Nyah, and I know you are but what am I?!

Have I mentioned that I've been dreaming about quilting?  I have been quilting lovely white stitches on white bright cotton fabrics that I knew even in my dream will turn soft ecru in a few years.  All in my dreams.  Anyone wanna take a guess what that means? 

So Why Haven't you Been Going to Church ....?

That's a good question, and I've had a lot of really good answers (not).  Mostly excuses (even if they are true.).  Things like ... "I have to work" - "I'm too tired" - "That's the only day I have to do housework." - "The boys and I get a lot more out of doing family time, and playing board games with each other than we would out of church."

But you wanna know the truth?  I've been having a little relationship problem with God. 

I love God (most of the time - although I think that some of Her policies could stand a little rethinking).  Most of the time I'm also convinced that God loves me.  Actually, that's the most solid thing I can stand on in the whole relationship is that for some reason entirely beyond my comprehension, God loves me.  However, God's love doesn't mean that the world gets rearranged to suit me.  (one of those policies that could stand a little adjustment)

When I first came to Colorado Springs, I attended church regularly.  Then there was this one Sunday in particular when I went to church and it was horrible.  I mean horrible beyond horrible.  Unbeknownst to me, there was a wedding scheduled for the Sunday morning worship experience.  This was a Fairytale Beautiful wedding with silver-white trees, a winterwonderland scene, symbols, music, meaning ... it was just perfect. The pastor preached about marriage and love and commitment and how the husband is to honor his wife - (as part of the wedding, the groom washed his bride's feet in a symbolic gesture of how he would serve her.)

Being divorced doesn't make me feel bitter toward my ex-husband or men in general.  But that wedding broke my heart.  It was so soon after my own divorce I was feeling raw and wounded.  I was still in the place of wishing things had turned out differently for me.  But everytime I let my guard down, Tim would do or say something that made me realize all over again that no amount of wishing it could be different was going to change the fact that we were locked into a pattern of pain.  I knew then and still believe that we passed the point of no return a long time before I had the courage to say it out loud. 

No one gets married thinking it's a short term deal.  We all think at the time we make our commitment its a life-time deal.

I didn't just cry over that wedding, I sobbed.  And then I turned to God and said, "I can't TRUST you anymore.  I know you love me, so why didn't you WARN me?  Give me the flu or something so I could be at home in bed that morning and continue my emotional healing in slow careful steps. 

Instead, I got a vivid reminder that my marriage ended.  That I'm not worshipped, or served, or even very well tolerated most of the time by the man that I thought I'd give my life to.  And you know, for all that I am a happier person now.  I wanted to be a wife. 

And I quit going to church.

This morning I attended a women's brunch for Single Moms at the invitation of a new friend.

I thought I was prepared.  I knew it was going to be "just a women's group" - not a full blown church service.  I was okay with the devotion, the fellowship, the food.  I met another woman who's really interesting to me - she works as an editor for a Christian publishing company here in town.

And then we got to the time of singing songs.  I even had this thought the other day that its been a long time since I sang anything.  And I idly wondered if I even COULD anymore.  I know that's kind of a silly thought, but not really.  A voice is like any other muscle - if you don't use if regularly, you can't just take up where you left off and go running.  So anyway, we started singing.  I was in the back corner, not feeling any pressure and glad I was off where no one could hear my rusty voice. 

The Spirit of God had NO BUSINESS messing with me there.  I was NOT OPEN to any of that deep stirring stuff.  I just wanted my croissant and coffee and a quick line to the door.  But DAMMIT - God showed up anyway. 

Put me in a strange place.  It's a bit awkward going as someone's guest and finding yourself standing there with tears running down your face.  I wasn't much wanting to explain myself, but luckily, Kelley didn't seem to feel any need to ask me about it. 

I'm not going to say that this was a turning point for me.  Or that I'm all better now or that God and I are cool.  One of us still has some explaining to do, and frankly neither of us seems to be much in an explaining frame of mind.  But well, just ... but

That crack in my heart seems determined to let in the light. 

So many emotional eaters have a sense of never getting enough. They approach life from an inner sense of poverty, and no amount of food, sex, clothes, or money will satisfy them

I'm tired of trying to figure out how much is enough.  I want to enjoy what I HAVE right now, and I'm tired.  Why am I not enjoying my life? my kids? my home? my job? my dinner?  What would I have to change in order to enjoy them?  And if I enjoy them how can I avoid the fear that enjoyment now means deprivation later?  If I eat now, I will HAVE to starve later, if I spend now, I will HAVE nothing to spend later... See mostly I feel out of balance in regard to food and money.  (I know that's a disappointment to everyone who was planning already to help me get enough sex but I'm all good there, thanks.)

I've been dieting for a month.  And this morning I weighed more than I did when I started. 

I'm not expecting answers (although if you WANT to set me up with a trust fund, I won't stand in the way of your satisfaction).  I'm just asking out loud the questions that have been perking in my head. 

Come, my friends,
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, Ulysses

Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

You're a Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow where they lead."

-- Louisa May Alcott

"One of the saddest lines in the world is, 'Oh come now - be realistic.' The best parts of this world were not fashioned by those who were realistic. They were fashioned by those who dared to look hard at their wishes and gave them horses to ride."

Seis de Mayo

Okay, so yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. Like most Americans I really have NO idea what Cinco de Mayo is all about. I know it's Mexican, I've heard that its more something that Americans do than anything observed in Mexico. I'm okay with that. I don't mind being mindless about eating Mexican food and drinking Margaritas.

And now that it's the day after ... I'm thinking that we should do this more. Oh, I don't mean Cinco de Mayo, I mean that we need to adopt pseudo holidays from other neighbors and countries we don't know enough about. I like it that the Mexicans don't really observe this day. That way we can't be accused of co-opting their celebration.

I can't think of anything that particularly appeals to me about Canadian cuisine, but I'm willing to give it a try.

It wouldn't be a hardship to add some night every week dedicated to a different kind of food. With a little effort I could probably even turn it into a learning experience for my kids. We could have German night (in October of course) hawaiiaan night, Italian night (Da Vinci Code Momi style ...) Yeah - it could happen. I still don't know what to do in honor of our neighbors to the North ... any suggestions, eh?

I Never Thought I'd See This Day

I woke up this morning and discovered - we are out of toilet paper.  I'm what you might call an obsessive toilet paper buyer.  I have at various times had the stuff stacked to the ceiling behind my bathroom door.  But apparently, I have broken the chains of compulsion which drive me to purchase another pack of toilet paper every time I go to the store.  Wow.  And it only took 15 years from the time I first realized that my shopping habits weren't normal.  I wonder what other Obsessive compulsive behavior I can conquer?

Feeling Saintly ...

I called my former Mother in Law this evening.  I've missed her over the past two years.  She and I talked easily about work, future plans and the kids in school.  We caught up a bit on what's been going on in our respective lives.  It was nice. 

I want to encourage the relationship between my boys and their grandparents.  I haven't done a very good job of that.  At first, my feelings were hurt because I had hoped that we could find a way to continue some kind of relationship even though I was divorcing their son, and I didn't get what I wanted.  But, now we've had the passing of some time, the growing of acceptance, and the opportunity to really miss each other.

So I did the saintly thing and put aside my hurt feelings.  What's more important?  Nursing hurt?  Or nurturing a relationship that has meant a lot to me over the past 20 years. 

You know, I really feel good about myself and at the same time there is a part of me that's rolling it's eyes at the fact that I feel SO good about myself.  I'm the kind of person who would drive me nuts if I had to live next to me in heaven ...

"To be above with the saints I love
O that will be glory
Here below, with the saints I know
That's a different story!"