May 13, 2006

• So Why Haven't you Been Going to Church ....?

  
  

  That's a good question, and I've had a lot of really good answers (not).  Mostly excuses (even if they are true.).  Things like ... "I have to work" - "I'm too tired" - "That's the only day I have to do housework." - "The boys and I get a lot more out of doing family time, and playing board games with each other than we would out of church."

  
  

  But you wanna know the truth?  I've been having a little relationship problem with God. 

  
  

  I love God (most of the time - although I think that some of Her policies could stand a little rethinking).  Most of the time I'm also convinced that God loves me.  Actually, that's the most solid thing I can stand on in the whole relationship is that for some reason entirely beyond my comprehension, God loves me.  However, God's love doesn't mean that the world gets rearranged to suit me.  (one of those policies that could stand a little adjustment)

  
  

  When I first came to Colorado Springs, I attended church regularly.  Then there was this one Sunday in particular when I went to church and it was horrible.  I mean horrible beyond horrible.  Unbeknownst to me, there was a wedding scheduled for the Sunday morning worship experience.  This was a Fairytale Beautiful wedding with silver-white trees, a winterwonderland scene, symbols, music, meaning ... it was just perfect. The pastor preached about marriage and love and commitment and how the husband is to honor his wife - (as part of the wedding, the groom washed his bride's feet in a symbolic gesture of how he would serve her.)

  
  

  Being divorced doesn't make me feel bitter toward my ex-husband or men in general.  But that wedding broke my heart.  It was so soon after my own divorce I was feeling raw and wounded.  I was still in the place of wishing things had turned out differently for me.  But everytime I let my guard down, Tim would do or say something that made me realize all over again that no amount of wishing it could be different was going to change the fact that we were locked into a pattern of pain.  I knew then and still believe that we passed the point of no return a long time before I had the courage to say it out loud. 

  
  

  No one gets married thinking it's a short term deal.  We all think at the time we make our commitment its a life-time deal.

  
  

  I didn't just cry over that wedding, I sobbed.  And then I turned to God and said, "I can't TRUST you anymore.  I know you love me, so why didn't you WARN me?  Give me the flu or something so I could be at home in bed that morning and continue my emotional healing in slow careful steps. 

  
  

  Instead, I got a vivid reminder that my marriage ended.  That I'm not worshipped, or served, or even very well tolerated most of the time by the man that I thought I'd give my life to.  And you know, for all that I am a happier person now.  I wanted to be a wife. 

  
  

  And I quit going to church.

  
  

  This morning I attended a women's brunch for Single Moms at the invitation of a new friend.

  
  

  I thought I was prepared.  I knew it was going to be "just a women's group" - not a full blown church service.  I was okay with the devotion, the fellowship, the food.  I met another woman who's really interesting to me - she works as an editor for a Christian publishing company here in town.

  
  

  And then we got to the time of singing songs.  I even had this thought the other day that its been a long time since I sang anything.  And I idly wondered if I even COULD anymore.  I know that's kind of a silly thought, but not really.  A voice is like any other muscle - if you don't use if regularly, you can't just take up where you left off and go running.  So anyway, we started singing.  I was in the back corner, not feeling any pressure and glad I was off where no one could hear my rusty voice. 

  
  

  The Spirit of God had NO BUSINESS messing with me there.  I was NOT OPEN to any of that deep stirring stuff.  I just wanted my croissant and coffee and a quick line to the door.  But DAMMIT - God showed up anyway. 

  
  

  Put me in a strange place.  It's a bit awkward going as someone's guest and finding yourself standing there with tears running down your face.  I wasn't much wanting to explain myself, but luckily, Kelley didn't seem to feel any need to ask me about it. 

  
  

  I'm not going to say that this was a turning point for me.  Or that I'm all better now or that God and I are cool.  One of us still has some explaining to do, and frankly neither of us seems to be much in an explaining frame of mind.  But well, just ... but

  
  

  That crack in my heart seems determined to let in the light. 

  
  

   

  • 11:21 pm
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