October 19, 2005
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I'm In
I was expecting that the woman I met with would take my documents, run them past a committee, and get back to me in a couple of weeks. But that's not at all what happened. We went over everything in detail right there in her office. I had to answer a lot of questions. And then she handed me the form that allows me to open my account at ENT Federal Credit Union today. Guess what I'll be doing this morning!
I was so happy, I did a little Snoopy dance all the way to Starbucks and treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice latte.
I kept that happy feeling all the way through a shortened shift at work. (Amy needed some extra money so she asked if she could stay and let me go home. I was up for that.)
I was happy until I got home and called my parents. I had to call them because part of the application process was providing them with the information to designate two beneficiaries in case anything happened to me before I finished the program so my money would be returned to my children. I needed Dad's Social Security Number.
Mom is not pleased. Mom is in fact enraged by where I am and what I'm doing. It's her carefully considered opinion that I'm a bad mother, I'm depriving my children and her of the opportunity to have a relationship, and I'm not giving my children the attention they need because I'm working. Now the sting of hearing all this from my Mom was slightly mitigated by the fact that I'd just gotten done working for an hour with Tucker to come up with a new configuration for his hamster's habitat. (We read in the hamster book that hamsters LIKE for you to mix up their tunnels and make their world "interesting" - so every week he wakes up with no idea how to get from his bed to his bathroom - and he thinks that's just fine - go figure.) It was further softened by the fact that I spent time after the phone call playing with Michael and making sculpey fairytale figures with the clay we'd picked up the night before.
I had the two conferences at school this week in which I heard confirmation that my kids are progressing and goals are being met. They are in a good place, and I got a lot of feedback that I'm doing a good job with them. But still, hearing my mother say out loud and with emphasis that in her opinion I'm a bad mother ... that stung.
I understand why she said it. At the bottom of it all, she wants me to move to Arkansas. But I've spent a lot of time in Arkansas over the past five years. I go there and cook, and clean, and do whatever they need/want done to try and make things easier and smoother. And my mom wants that to be a permanent situation. I know it's petty, but I'm still remembering that on my birthday she not only didn't wish me a happy day, that was THE day that nothing would do but that I had to scrub the carpet to remove stains from where previous guests in her home had spilled drinks. On my knees for over four hours before I went to work that evening. And then she told me how much she was doing for me because of what it would cost me to have anyone else watch my guys because they are "a hand full".
Do I sound bitter? I'm not bitter, I just remember what it felt like and how I don't want to feel that way. I love my mother. I wish that she could be encouraging or supportive. But the bottom line is that no matter how hard I work, or how well I do with my kids, it's never going to win her approval. And the truth is that even if I were in Arkansas, that would be the case. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad mother. I'm not even a bad daughter. But five minutes on the phone with my mother can make me feel like the world would be much better off without me.
So after I hung up. I gathered up the boys and we went out to dinner. Where I didn't have any celebratory wine but I told them that we'd been approved for the IDA program. We've talked about it so they know exactly what that means. They were encouraging and supportive.
Comments (25)
*Nodding* Yep, that's my mother in a nutshell...she wants what she wants, and what I want or do will NEVER be good enough, no matter how I do it. And when I say that, most think I'm much more upset by it than I am. It's status quo...a statement of fact, not a remark about my state of mind.
Good for YOU for getting things as YOU need them to be! As long as you're happy, and the boys are doing well, the rest can deal with their own problems with what you choose to do.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!
You are a great mother and you are doing amazingly well with the situation you have been given. I am so happy for you and the boys. They are great kids and they know you love them and they are learning a lot about life which is a gift. Too many people think everything is handed to you and you don't have to work for it. Your boys understand if you work hard you can achieve great things. I am so happy for you:)
Kelly
Yay on the IDA Program. That sounds like a super opportunity.
Moms are really tough. I am sorry your parents couldn't be the support you needed tonight.
You are undoubltedly a good mother. I am a mother of 3 and it breaks my heart to hear someone talk like your mother. I understand that it is hard to hold the course when all of us need words of encouragement, or at least acceptance, from mother. If it helps, just know that others of us who are mothers see you in a good light. Hold the course. You know what is best for your family.
You're doing absolutely everything right! I know it's hard not to, but please try not to let your mom make you feel inadequate.
Congrats on the IDA program...and don't let your mom get you down. There are days when I hear myself nagging at my kids and I think, I don't want to be remembered like that. Sounds like you are making good memories with your boys.
Congratulations! You're doing a good thing for yourself AND your boys by doing this.
Why are parents like this? I don't know. My own personal mother was much like that and I struggled with everything involved with her until the day she died. I still struggle with it but eventually just tell myself to let it go, the woman's dead already.
You are a good person and very smart not to subject yourself to that again.
{k}
damn ..... I can NEVER remember how to make the lips .......
(stumbles away grumbling and muttering under breath)
Funny that we would both use "Snoopy dance" as a metaphor...wonder if it's a generational thing
Glad to hear you got accepted for IDA...SOME good things happening to GREAT people is always nice news to hear
I am so happy for you!
I even checked into the IDA for my roommate, who will be officially on her own after the first of the year when I move. I found out that you have to have at least one child under 18 to qualify, which she does not. Ah, well. It was worth a shot.
You have to do what is right for you and your boys. It sounds as if you are doing just fine, better than most parents would in the same situation. Congrats on getting into the IDA program.
sounds like we are living parallel lives.
i've bee reading your xanga for a while. . .and i think you're a beautiful person
Yay! You're in.
So, I just want to know. When you buy the house, do I get to come spend a week and snow ski?
Congrats, btw. And I totally understand the 'rental thing. Why else would I volunteer to spend 30 months in a foreign country.
(Besides the bars, the oriental food, the cheap women, the explosives, the mud -n- camo, the weapons, the history, the museums, the amusement parks, etc.)
Sheesh -- now that's a cautionary tale for any parent. I'm trying to get my mind around a mother who wants you on your knees scrubbing HER carpet on your birthday. Or one who accuses you in this fashion. What can possibly be going through her mind??
KUDOS to you for holding up, and letting your own little family sooth away the ill choices of your broader family.
Maybe you should be bitter. A big angry fit about the harm she did you might do you some good. You don't suck, no matter what she says or does or thinks. She's wrong.
Congrats on the good news!
Congratulations! You're in!
As my wife's sister says about their mom, who is amazingly similar to yours, "It's more about her hangups than it is about me."
Mothers -- oy. But at least you KNOW what awaits you if you go back to Arkansas (life as an unappreciated and unpaid servant, from the sounds of things -- I'm sorry, but kids don't owe that sort of service to their parents), so stay in Colorado, work on your IDA, be the great mother that you are to the boys, and continue along on your life.
Your mom's displeasure is SO crystal clear to me. She's mad because it means she's not in control. Tell me if I'm wrong!
i would've paid the price of the pumpkin spice latter to see you do the snoopy dance.
remember the bookmark i gave you? courage. you and that ol' fuzzy lion. it's so ingrained in you and you don't see it sometimes.
the fact that you are where you are and doing what you're doing and struggling yet remaining optimistic, goes against the grain of the very thing some parents and just plain people want...control.
for some reason there's still a sector that thinks we wimmenfolk shouldn't be independent. pfff. asses.
my mom gave up years ago. i was never really one to acquiesce (i'm so not checking the spelling or exact meaning on that) to her wishes and dreams of being a girly girl. she'd zing. i'd zap right back. and i still do. i don't care how old she is...i won't carry her unhappiness like a shroud. she had a miserable freaking childhood and i think she was always pissed that mine, while not roses [whose is after all] didn't suck like hers...and that i didn't shive a get about what she thought of me. [well i did, but i'd die before i'd let her know, let's put it that way.] odd part is that it was she who was part of ensuring my happiness. poor confused ol' battleaxes. and yes, we love them in spite of themselves and for ourselves.
you? well you know what i think of you.
i told you once and i've told you since.
i won't pin a medal to your chest...that'd hurt too much.
and when you feel a tug on your tail and you start to get scared...?
let go, dude. it's you doing the pulling.
Parents - at least moms - can be a pain at times. I have to thank Heaven that my mom is NOT like that. I'm a single parent who works 40 hrs/week providing food, shelter and clothing ( and computer service, cable services, cell phone, etc) and know it is hard when a parent comes down on us. My mom once indicated that I needed to spank a bit more often. I don't...I have a temper and know how hard I hit. So, we discussed even when she was little. Now she's a 15.5 year old that I'm very proud of. Yes, there are things that she could do better (like schedule herself better and not be so self-centered regarding home vs doing what pleases her) but she's a wonderful girl. Not a girl-girl by any means. But then, neither was I. I'd probably be much like her if the clothes were available back then. Take heart and do what you know and feel is right for you and your kids. If something wise comes out of mom's mouth...use and thank her for it. The rest...water down the toilet.
(by the way do you really quilt?)
I have read the comments that your friends left for you and I know that their comfort has been beneficial to you this week. But in spite of all the opinions ........
remember that she ISN'T satan. Everyone has their own share of hangups - whether we want to admit it or not - and although I am in no way defending the things she said to you .... it helps to remember that this is just one small facet of her personality. She does a lot of good to a lot of people and she loves each of her family members with the feirceness of any mother; she just unfortunately has never (for whatever reason) learned to be aware in the way we all wish she could be. Doesn't mean she is any worse than me or you - just different.
(x)
It's too bad your own mother, who should be rooting for you, is working against you. I'm glad you didn't let her undermine your confidence. It's amazing when we're old enough to see what our mothers do and why they do it how it gives a whole new look at what we might have been, what we still could be. My mother kept me down for 18 years and then I found a man who could pick up where she left off. Twenty-eight years later I was free and each year I get closer to who I'm supposed to be. It sounds like you are on the right course for YOUR family. Good for you.
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