Life is Short

Maybe its that mid-life crisis thing in another form, but I am more and more aware as each day passes that life is short and seems to be getting shorter.  As the stream of time flows faster and faster I can't put off any of the important things.  I have a friend I've been trying to find time to call - returning a voice mail actually - for almost two month.  It seems like only yesterday that we last saw each other, only a moment since we last spoke, but it's been close to a year.  How sad is that?

There are a lot of things that there's no time to wait for.  No time to put off the bubble bath, the walk in the park, the letter with asked for advice, no time to wait hoping that tomorrow will be a happier day or a more convenient day. 

I'm a planner.  I spoke to the manager who does our schedules yesterday about getting a couple days off together next month.  I was thinking it was rather late notice because it's only about three weeks away.  (But my kids are going to have a 3 day weekend and they have an idea of something they want to do.)  I apologized for not planning better and she laughed.  Apparently my idea of last minute is everyone else's idea of extreme advanced notice. 

And there is a definite benefit to planning ahead.  I know that my ducks are lined up an quacking in harmony (most of the time) so I'm able to relax and enjoy my choices without worrying about the details of how I'm going to make them happen.  But the downside is that if something isn't in the plan I don't make time for it.  And there've been a lot of unplanned for opportunities that I've missed by failing to be flexible and open.

These days I'm keeping my eyes open and my dayplanner written in pencil.

Holy Hannah! 

Thank you for the ecouraging and supportive comments.  They mean a LOT to me. 

I'm In

I was expecting that the woman I met with would take my documents, run them past a committee, and get back to me in a couple of weeks.  But that's not at all what happened.  We went over everything in detail right there in her office.  I had to answer a lot of questions.  And then she handed me the form that allows me to open my account at ENT Federal Credit Union today.  Guess what I'll be doing this morning!

I was so happy, I did a little Snoopy dance all the way to Starbucks and treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice latte. 

I kept that happy feeling all the way through a shortened shift at work.  (Amy needed some extra money so she asked if she could stay and let me go home.  I was up for that.) 

I was happy until I got home and called my parents.  I had to call them because part of the application process was providing them with the information to designate two beneficiaries in case anything happened to me before I finished the program so my money would be returned to my children.  I needed Dad's Social Security Number. 

Mom is not pleased.  Mom is in fact enraged by where I am and what I'm doing.  It's her carefully considered opinion that I'm a bad mother, I'm depriving my children and her of the opportunity to have a relationship, and I'm not giving my children the attention they need because I'm working.  Now the sting of hearing all this from my Mom was slightly mitigated by the fact that I'd just gotten done working for an hour with Tucker to come up with a new configuration for his hamster's habitat.  (We read in the hamster book that hamsters LIKE for you to mix up their  tunnels and make their world "interesting" - so every week he wakes up with no idea how to get from his bed to his bathroom - and he thinks that's just fine - go figure.)  It was further softened by the fact that I spent time after the phone call playing with Michael and making sculpey fairytale figures with the clay we'd picked up the night before.

I had the two conferences at school this week in which I heard confirmation that my kids are progressing and goals are being met.  They are in a good place, and I got a lot of feedback that I'm doing a good job with them.  But still, hearing my mother say out loud and with emphasis that in her opinion I'm a bad mother ... that stung.

I understand why she said it.  At the bottom of it all, she wants me to move to Arkansas.  But I've spent a lot of time in Arkansas over the past five years.  I go there and cook, and clean, and do whatever they need/want done to try and make things easier and smoother.  And my mom wants that to be a permanent situation.  I know it's petty, but I'm still remembering that on my birthday she not only didn't wish me a happy day, that was THE day that nothing would do but that I had to scrub the carpet to remove stains from where previous guests in her home had spilled drinks.  On my knees for over four hours before I went to work that evening.  And then she told me how much she was doing for me because of what it would cost me to have anyone else watch my guys because they are "a hand full".

Do I sound bitter?  I'm not bitter, I just remember what it felt like and how I don't want to feel that way.  I love my mother.  I wish that she could be encouraging or supportive.  But the bottom line is that no matter how hard I work, or how well I do with my kids, it's never going to win her approval.  And the truth is that even if I were in Arkansas, that would be the case.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm not a bad mother.  I'm not even a bad daughter.  But five minutes on the phone with my mother can make me feel like the world would be much better off without me.   

So after I hung up.  I gathered up the boys and we went out to dinner.  Where I didn't have any celebratory wine but I told them that we'd been approved for the IDA program.  We've talked about it so they know exactly what that means.  They were encouraging and supportive. 

Trying to do what's right ...

It's important to me that I find a more permanent home, buy it, and get settled there.  My kids are in their third school in three years.  I love the school they are attending now, but I also know that there's no way I can afford to buy a home in this neighborhood.  It's really kind of amazing luck that the apartment complex we're in is affordable. 

So this morning I'm following through with the last step of my IDA application.  The Individual Development Account is a program available in most states and it's designed to help people in difficult circumstances build assets.  Under the theory that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime ... they teach people to save money and reach goals. 

The IDA money has to go toward one of three things - downpayment on a home, education expense, or investment in starting a business.  Different communities match funds at different rates.  Here the match is 3:1 and I can contribute up to $1000 - so at the end of the program I'd have $4000 to bring to the table as a result of my participation.  There's not any investment program out there that's going to give me that kind of return.  Some communities match 2:1 and I've heard that Hawaii matches 9:1. 

It's taken a long time for me to gather the documents I need to make my application.  But I finally have everything and I'm going in to my appointment this morning.  So what's to be nervous about?  I'm on my way right?

It's a two edged sword whenever you apply for a program like this.  Someone else will be judging whether I'm worthy of acceptance into the program.  I know from when I talked with them before that they are used to helping people who have gotten into debt and don't know how to budget.  That's not really me.  I have a very strict budget.  I have no debt.  I'm in danger because of my hard work and strict financial discipline, of looking too good. 

So I have my fingers and toes crossed this morning. 

Wish me luck.

The stone grows old,
Eternity is not made for stones.
But I shall go down from this airy space, this swift
    white peace, this stingy exultation;
And time will close about me, and my soul stir to
    the rhythm of the daily round.
Yet, having known, life will not press so close,
And always I shall feel time ravel thin about me.
For once I stood
In the white windy presence of eternity.

Eunice Tierjens

I've thought it a fanciful illusion that the mountain has moods.  But the longer I live here, the more I accept it as a matter of fact rather than projection.  Pikes Peak doesn't care for the summer months.  It grumbles and stares down at us, daring anyone to just think of mentioning the soft pink crown that emerges when the snow melts.  It dares anyone who thinks that IT might be soft or pink, to just try hiking up through the Devil's Playground where the iron in the rock attracts electric current and lightning jumps from stone to stone like insects leap between the blades of grass down on the "fruited plain."

Now that Pikes Peak has regained it's snowy cap, you can sense the satisfaction radiating down.  It stands tall and imposing again, pretending that summer pinkness never happened.

The changing light of day still bathes it in a rosy glow - just before dawn.  But it's as though the mountain permits the softness only because it knows that so few of the people below will ever wake to see it in such undignified light. 

I see it.  But I keep the secret.  Because I don't want to hurt its feelings. 

It Snowed - it Didn't Accumulate

We had a LOT of snow yesterday.  It fell steadily all day and at times we had near white out conditions.  But the ground was warm enough that it melted as it fell.  The clouds remain heavy today and we are due for a bit more, but there's no rest for the wicked right?  So I get no reprieve from work. 

Today I get the windshield replaced in my car.  I was upset and concerned about that because I knew I had to have it done and I didn't want to spend the money.  Then I discovered that glass replacement is 100% covered by my insurance.  So silly me for fretting when I could have just been getting it fixed. 

I'm settling in for winter.  We are getting busier at the restaurant now that the holidays are approaching.  We have the ingredients on order to start making Pumpkin Spice muffins and Pumpkin Spice Pancakes. 

I have a title for my NaNo book.  "Your feet in dreams"  I'm not sure yet what it's going to be about - but I really like that title. 

Ten more days til my Mom's birthday. 

And that's about all the random thought that's rattling in my head today. 

I hope you have a good one. 

Let's Pray for Snow ...

There's a weather forecast indicating that Colorado Springs may get 6-12 inches of snow over the next 24 hours.  That would be all right with me.  If we get that much, they'll close the restaurant and I'll have two days in a row off.  I could use the rest. 

Everyone who responded to the NaNo blog --- I'm putting together an email list to link us all during the insanity.  I like to send emails to encourage you and provide a forum for us to share with the group about our triumphs, frustrations, and the general state of how it's all going. 

Are you psyched?

Ready to write your novel?

I'm starting to feel that tingle in my fingertips. 

NaNoWriMo cometh ...

It's that time ... are you ready boys and girls?  National Novel Writing Month is just around the corner.  The email arrived in my box this week inviting me to reactivate my account.  I have been struggling to make time to write since I started doign the waitressing thing and trying to juggle the kids and the job.  I'm thinking this is exactly the kind of insanity I need to get me going again. 

I also hit the library this week and picked up a couple books because the other thing that makes a difference to whether I have ideas for writing is whether I'm exposing myself to other viewpoints about life in general or I'm just allowing it to all be my own thoughts cluttering up my brain.  My thoughts are interesting - I'm so fascinated by them that I think them all day long - but after I've wallowed in my own juice for a while, I need something to spark a whole new train in order to have writing fodder. 

Last year - a few other Xangans and I made a little support circle for NaNo and kept each other going with encouragement and tales of midnight crunches to get those deadlines.  I'd love to do that again. 

Any takers?