September 2, 2005
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"Some Things are Better Left Said ..."
I loved that quote in the comment twoberry left on my last blog. I don't like promises, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in speaking about important things. I grew up in a household where a lot of imortant words were rarely spoken. I don't remember hearing many praises and I remember a whole lot of criticisms. I don't remember hearing a lot of affection, but I remember hearing a lot of admonition. I don't remember hearing a lot of laughter, but I remember a lot of anger.
Some of this may be my perception. It's possible that I've magnified the unpleasant until it has usurped the happy in my memory. Certainly, I recognize my experience of growing up in that family was different from the experiences of the other kids and different from what my parents thought it was like for me/us at the time.
With my own kids, I've made a conscious effort (I don't always succeed) to speak the truly important words. My kids hear, "I love you... I'm proud of you... That was a responsible and kind thing you did... You're very good at that ..." I don't offer them false praises of the type that are tossed about in media for "self-esteem building," I try to mirror to them the truth that they are valuable, lovable, and wonderful.
There are non-verbal ways I try to speak these things through taking care of their needs, spending time with them, reading, playing games, taking walks, being THERE when that's all they really need is just to have me there. I hear that voice that still echoes in my own mind. The voice of anger, fear, and disappointment that my mother passed on to me. And it motivates me to speak the words to my kids that I wish I had heard instead.
I hope that I've learned from my past enough to make my future different by speaking the things that are better left said.
Comments (7)
What a lovely post. I cut the article and pasted it in a Xanga e-mail to you. Hope you get it.
that's how i decided to parent, too.
to give what i'd so craved.
simple affirmation of love without the child having to do anything in particular to "earn" it.
lots of time together to just talk or read outloud.
even "growed ups" need that sort of encouragement, y'know?
sounds like you're doing fine, terri.
I had a friend once who said to me that she had to become an adult before she and her mother were able to become friends. I can relate to that.
They are the nicest words I've read for a long time. Your approach to parenting should be in the how-to manuals. "I hope that I've learned from my past enough to make my future different by speaking the things that are better left said."
I love you.
And I really should edit my posts more often so that they're written as well as this is. It's concise, well organized and whole.
I remember a lot of the same things. That's the way people raised their children. The world was a very different place back then where people were raising "obedient" people. People had to be "managed" in order for society to function in a way that they felt was responsible.
Today we need to raise independent thinkers. And the only way people can be that I believe is to have faith in themselves. Very differnt world we live in.
Big part of the strife between ourselves and our parents is that they still see the world through the culture they were raised in. It will happen to us too.
Just yesterday I was reading an article about a test done on memory and emotion. It was interesting, as they noted things that caught the emotion inside you tend to stay far longer than those that do not, also, part of the experiment included looking at a set of pictures, one after the other, with a few randomly mixed in that brought on an emotional rsponse - the result showed we tend to stick with the emotional one for several seconds or more afterwards and do not even see the ones that came after during this time.
By doing what you are doing, you are helping the children to be strong inside themselves. They will feel worthwile and have great self images - good work indeed, and one of the most important gifts you can give them.
I too try to give more positive statements than negative. Sometimes I succeed. I just hope they know that I love them.
Heather
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