July 23, 2005

• Momi and Me

  
  

  Does anyone (any woman) have a good relationship with her mother?  During our week in Iowa, my friend Mary shared with me some things that she's been learning about mother - daughter relationships.  Another woman recommended a book to her that has been sparking all kinds of recognition ... "My mother was just like that." and understanding of the way that these difficult relationships have colored our entire adult lives. 

  
  

  Pretty much everyone in my family (except my mother) understands that it's the nature of her relationship with me that makes it impossible for me to consider moving to Arkansas.  Over the past year, I've been subject to attempted manipulation, threats, bribes, and verbal abuse alternated with "the silent treatment" because whenever the subject has come up I have remained firm in my decision to make my life out from under my mother's roof. 

  
  

  I understand that it's a complicated issue.  I do believe that in her way, she loves me.  But I also understand that she has never come to a place of seeing me apart from herself.  Everything I do she sees as an extension of her being which puts enormous pressure on me to be the person that she wanted to be.  She sees my every action as a direct reflection of her life. 

  
  

  I love my mother.  I have a great deal of compassion for her.  She was verbally, psychologically and physically abused as a child and I give her a great deal of credit for the work that she's done to try and overcome that beginning.  One of the things that I'm learning as I'm reading this book with Mary (swung by the library yesterday to pick up my own copy) is even more compassion for her and understanding of just how difficult it's been.

  
  

  Gaining perspective on myself in relationship to my mother and understanding myself AS a mother is a different kettle of fish.  I can feel sympathy for her, in part because of the physical distance between us.  I live with me.  I live every day with the decisions I make as a woman, a friend, a sister, and a mother myself. 

  
  

  One of the points that the book makes early on is that when mothers and daughters have a good relationship, mom becomes the source of direct information about being a woman.  It's from her that daughters learn about menstruation and menopause, childbirth and marriage (sex).  Women's bodies are mysterious even to those of us who live inside them and learning to understand and accept our material selves requires a supportive role model who has been there. 

  
  

  I used to think it was a generational thing, why it was that my mother didn't provide information for me.  I'm coming to understand that it's not a function of our generation but of our relationship.  On the big four I mentioned above my mom had the following to offer:  1) menstruation - that's why you don't sleep with boys.  2) menopause - I had surgery to fix my problems because I was depressed and tired of bleeding.  (She was younger than I am now when she and her doctor arrived at the decision to schedule a hysterectomy in hopes of solving her life issues.)  3) sex - I'm gonna take you to the vet and have you "fixed" so I don't have to worry about what you might do because you obviously don't have good sense.  4) marriage - everything is your fault and it will always be your fault because its always one time of the month or another so you can't go by your feelings.  If he says something that makes you cry - go take a bath or read a book.  If he's not happy with the dinner, cook something different tomorrow night.  You're a creative person ... try harder.

  
  

  According to the book my goal is to "internalize a good mommy" because until a woman can learn to mother herself she either does everything in her power to figure out what Mommy wants and delivers it (being a "false self") in order to keep Mommy there and happy, or she constantly fights with her mother in an attempt to separate and have her own identity.  The good mommy is able to embrace both intimacy and separation. 

  
  

  Mothering is a huge part of who I am.  I am teased about it and I'm okay with that.  At work the "kids" call me Mom.  They talk to me in ways that make me feel good about the nurturing aspect of my personality.  They affirm that they sense a maternal care from me, in ways that I hope very much reflect the "good mommy."  I'm not judgmental of their individuality but I do have standards of performance as an employee.  For example, they like to ask me to check their sidework.  Before the end of a shift, each server has a list of tasks - refill the salt shakers, change the tablecloths, wipe down counters and so on and so forth - that need to be done.  And it's in checking over sidework that this "Momi" thing really comes out.  I am quick to praise when someone has been diligent or gone above and beyond.  I am slow to condemn, I'll say something like, "I know you were busy with that last table and it's easy under those circumstances to miss that it was your night to wipe down the tile.  How about I'll refill these drinks while you take care of that?"  I know and they know that I'm giving them an easy "out" rather than blaming them or suggesting a deficiency in their character as some other people are prone to do.  But still, they don't get my signature until the work is all done. 

  
  

  What I'm trying to figure out is how to mother myself this way.  Because when it comes to judging my own performance, it's not compassion and tenderness but judgment and scolding that goes on in my head.  I hear my mother's voice listing my character flaws. 

  
  

  Again, according to the book, the mark of being a good mommy is the ability to affirm individuality and the right to be ... human.  Anyone reading Quiltnmomi for any length of time knows that the ongoing work of this journal has been to grow into a fully functional human.  And the biggest obstacle to my growth has been my own conviction that this is well and good for other people, but I have to be a little bit more than human in order to judge myself acceptable. 

  
  

  I'm hoping that the next chapter or the next will give me the clue I need to be a good Momi to Me. 

  • 9:28 am
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