February 11, 2005

• Respite

  
  

  Thank you for caring about me even in my whining and pitiable state.  I started off the day very unhappy with myself because I yelled at Tucker last night.  It's weighing heavy on me that the teacher said that my relationship with these kids is the area of their greatest strength.  I'm only too aware of my weaknesses, and I have been terrified that I'll let them down.  So when I was overwhelmed and snapping last night, I was also ashamed of myself immediately and scared that I'd damaged that relationship they are counting on to get them through.

  
  

  I helped the kids with their Valentines this morning.  (We just wrote - "From Tucker" on 28 cards for him to hand out at random.)

  
  

  I got into their room with a trashbag and cleared away enough stuff that you can see inch upon square inch of carpeting.    Tucker asked, "Mom are you deleting those toys permanently?"  (short answer - yes)

  
  

  I also contacted the insurance and got the name of a psychiatrist who will see the boys.  When I called I was told that they would mail me some forms to fill out then I could mail them back and then they would make the appointment.  Um, no.  I went there and filled out the forms in person and got my appointment.  The kids will be seen on March 10. 

  
  

  What else ... I talked with my family.  And as I type this I realize that I have actually spoken with the entire hee haw gang except for my father and including my ex-husband.  Both of the men are sending me money.  My Dad is helping to restore my budget following the four flat tires saga of earlier this week, and Tim is contributing so the boys and I can do something enjoyable together for Valentine's Day. 

  
  

  So with help in sight, I paid my bills.  Including the library fine I owed for keeping The Secret Life of Bees three days past the due date. 

  
  

  Today I made my calls to the office instead of from the office. But I got done what needed to be done there for my job.  And starting on Monday, I will have my own office with a door and everything from which I can do my happy little thing.  I'm ornery though, it will take more than giving me my own office, my own computer, and phone, and desk and chair and happy little calendar on the wall to make me feel the love.  But I'm willing to give it a chance.  I've been looking around here to see what little personal touch I'd want to take with me ...

  
  

  See when in doubt - get busy.  It makes me feel better.

  
  

  Then when I picked up the kids, I told Michael's teacher that I had an appointment for the kids to be evaluated.  She had done some research this week as well and brought me the name of the best Child Psych person in Colorado Springs.  And it turns out to be the same guy that I found and got the appointment with.  So I felt better about that.  In fact, I felt downright competent.

  
  

  She also talked with me about Respite Care.  I've heard of it before and never seriously considered it because I figured that it's the equivalent of admitting to being an abusive parent, like saying, "someone needs to take these kids for a couple hours or I'm going to hurt them."  But she was really positive about it and encouraged me to use the service to get a break.  Her exact line was, "You should be able to go to the store without having the heathen tag along."  I like the sound of that.  NOW it remains to be seen whether I'll overcome my fear of being seen as a lousy Mom to make that call. 

  
  

  You know, one way or another, I'm going to make this work. 

  
  

  And thank you all for your kind words and cyber hugs.  For your prayers and wisdom.  Thank you for being my friends. 

  
  

  Terri

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 7:10 pm
  • 5 Comments