February 3, 2005

  • Relentless Hope -


    Over all it hasn't exactly been a BAD day.  The weather was clear and mild.  I had work to do.  I had friends who called, emailed, and otherwise kept in touch with me so I know that I'm loved and supported.  I belong to a wonderful circle of people and I'm extremely blessed to have them in my life.  So why am I bummed out?


    I have noticed a certain pattern in my life.  Sometimes I'm hopeful, and sometimes it seems like there's just not much point in getting out of bed.  Today was kind of a not much point kind of day.  It started off with the boys dinking around and us being late out the door.  Well, that's not the first time that it's happened.  In fact, it's happened so often that the school has taken notice of that pattern.  I've been unofficially notified that I need to get my butt in gear a little faster in the morning.  ~sigh~  I REALLY miss the old days of homeschool when the kids and I woke up, had breakfast and commuted all the way across the hall to our schoolroom.  But alas, this ain't homeschool anymore. 


    Then I went in to the office where I learned that the loan I've been working on ~ the one where I did everything write and the client got in every piece of paper that I asked for before I would ordinarily have needed it ... has been postponed.  It's not our fault, the people who hold the client's existing mortgage have not sent us the payoff.  That just purely stinks.  We got in our request two weeks ago, they are supposed to respond within five days and we still haven't gotten it. 


    I hate when I have to go to anyone and give them bad news.  I especially hated this one because the woman has become way more than a client.  She and I have traded recipes and she photocopied all kinds of information for me on how to adjust my cooking for the altitude.  I've worked very hard to make this go well for her.  And I hate that I have no control over the fact that this other business is being uncooperative. 


    And maybe that's my problem,  I have no control.  I really miss control.  I remember when I used to feel like I was in control of my life.  I'm not exactly sure when I lost it.  Maybe it was in high school that my grip got a little loose.  I'm pretty sure that I still held the reins at least somewhat when I was in college.  I'm certain that from the moment that my first baby took his first movement across the carpet it was gone. 


    Oh, I've tried.  I organize and plan.  I clean and arrange.  I schedule and double-check and inplement redundant systems... but I really don't have any more than the illusion of control.  And you know another thing?  I've recently come to grips with the fact that yes, it is all about me.  I've thought it was cute for years, that little thing about "if Mamma ain't happy ain't nobody happy."  I don't think it's cute anymore, I think its the law and it's my job to enforce it. 


    And what does any of this have to do with hope?  I've been thinking about Brennan Manning's book "Relentless Trust."  He talks about Trust like its a weapon to be wielded.  I'm thinking that in my day to day battle for sanity, security and a tighter scheduled crew the greatest weapon I can draw is relentless hope.  I may not have control, but I have hope.  I may not have cooperation, but I have hope.  I may not have a behind that fits into the size jeans I want to wear ... but I have hope.  And I have friends who keep my hope alive on days when it's getting a little anemic. 


    Thank you



     


     


     


     

Comments (6)

  • Honey, anytime somebody tells you that they're in control, it is only the illusion of control.  None of us control anything.  However.  I do totally understand how you feel and I understand how so very friggin' frustrating it can be to be forced to recognize that absence of control over and over.  It sucks!  The only thing we can do is to make sure that we're building a firm foundation on that castle we've set in the clouds, you know?  It's what I'm doing, brick by brick.

  • Thank you, My Friend.  You are one of my life savers ... you know? 

  • I know all about feeling out of control.  It gets trickier when other people are involved (like little ones).  I can control my life only because I am pretty much the only one affected.  Good luck to you.

  • It's a hard lesson of life to learn that you can't make anybody do anything.  Thus, when you rely on others to accomplish tasks, you are by definition not in control.

  • I think that's a good rule..keeping yourself happy....you go on and be the enforcer.    This is the best piece I've ever read on hope.....'tis very hopeful. 

  • Anyhow I ought to divulge you should be respectable the same as at all times
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