December 17, 2004
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Star of Evening
It's never an easy thing, my relationship with my mother. This week I've spoken to her three times on the phone and three times we've almost had a fight. It's pretty hard as a general rule to provoke me into a fight. But it can be done.
The fights this week have been about how I'm going to drive to Arkansas. She doesn't like my plan. I've offered alternatives that would address the specific issues she's concerned about, but she doesn't like those plans either. So I'm sticking with what I originally said.
Because I make jewelry, I can do that with no additional investment in materials. I have enough on hand to make earrings and bracelets for every little girl in the clan. SO I asked my sister to find out whether or not one of my little cousins had pierced ears. My Mom got wind of that and called to let me know that "everyone knows your circumstances and no one expects you to do anything - in fact, if you bring presents, we'll all be upset." Have I mentioned that I have pride? At least my fair share if not a little extra.
And of course, there are the perrennial remarks about my weight and my hair. You'd think if you overheard my Mom that she MUST be talking about some wild hippie boys child with hair out of control. But no. For some reason it disturbs her that I'm a 40 year old with long hair. Okay, in reality it's been her mission in life to keep me in the girl version of a crew cut since the day I was born, but for the past 22 years I've been out from under her control (of this area anyway) and it just purely chaps her hide to see me with my wild brazen brassy hair. You know, I MIGHT even look better with shorter hair, but it chaps my hide to even consider cutting it because then she might feel she's won.
So why on earth am I griping about my mom and my fights with my mom? Well, I'm packing my bags today, and tomorrow I'll be leaving for Malvern. I'm going to meander my way through West Texas. I'll spend the night Saturday in Amarillo. I'll be in Dallas on Sunday. And then I'm heading on to Malvern either Monday night or Tuesday depending on whether I'm able to work out a visit with some friends in that area. (So if you're in Dallas and you'd like to say "hi" here's your chance!)
The boys and I were here alone for Thanksgiving and although we managed, can I be honest? It sucked. It sucked BIG TIME. I miss family and friends during the holidays. It doesn't matter that I know that I'll fight with my mom, or that I'll be sleeping on a twin sized foldout cot. It doesn't matter that I won't be returning home in any kind of obvious triumph. Over the past year, I've done a lot of things I never thought or expected that I'd have to do. And I'm making it. My kids are happy and healthy. In spite of frustrations and set-backs, I'm making it. That's a success I can savor.
But when I start toward Arkansas, I'm not a woman strong and confident. I'm a child wishing for the approval of mom and dad. I'm a little girl who wants a hug. I'm the daughter coming home.
Star of Evening, herd them home
whom Dawn disperse, now Day is over:
kid to its, lamb to its, child to its
mother.
Sappho
Comments (14)
I can really relate to this. Your hair is gorgeous!!!!!!
It's weird for me to read this. I never had a relationship with my mother. Although I lived with her and my step-father for about 6 months. I don't know the reasons, but, she never accepted me as her daughter. Me or my two older sisters who she bore. What's strange for me is that you write of your mother in this way and then you say that you are spending the night in Amarillo. That's where I lived with her and where she probably still lives. I think you have such a great and giving idea for gifts. The giving of your time and your talents. I'm 41 and I just got a haircut. I don't have a mom to tell me how to wear my hair. My daughter, on the other hand, doesn't like it. But, she doesn't give me a hard time about it. Only when I shaved my head did she do that.
*Hugs*
Safe trip, strong brave lady. And the little girl too.
Much love.
I'd do what you are doing... which would have been what I was gonna do anyway. Now, try to thank her for the input without sounding snide. I don't think I could manage that.
You are enveloped by the Love of Creation and an exquisite Child exactly as you are. So is Mama, I had one too and am still making my peace with her I suppose, she too is loved and enveloped. It is a good thing we are still in the process of Be-coming--not what we want to be, yet, not what we used to be either. Indeed, SHINE and carry the light to reflect what is GOOD in creation. Be blessed, travel peacefully, beware of the illusion of separateness, consider yourself strong and capable and definitely, consider yourself cradled and swaddled in a sweet, healing HUG.
Safe trip for you and the boys. Try to enjoy the time you have with the family.
I can so relate to you as my mother is the same as yourself
Keep smiling - have a good weekend
Love and sunshine
I never had this problem with my mother and and have tried to live in such a way that my 2 girls would not resent me. If you read RobbieKay you can see how that one responds to me. Giving jewelry is just wonderful. Don't we all give of ourselves. One child did a card by coping a picture--not an artistic child--but it was so precious to me that I framed it and put it in my sewing room. Come into my home and let me tell you the stories of most of the objects, which I call my treasures, in our home. Have a nice Christmas, and remember that you are an adult and you can do as you please!! You are the one responsible for your life and the childrens. I know you have good instincts.
Say "hi" to Dallas for me on your way back through (I used to live in Arlington) ... and I hope you have a good time with your mom anyway. Isn't it crazy how even this many years later, we are still affected by our own rebellion against our parents - even if we may not even agree ourselves with what we're doing - we just do it because they said not to and we can? LOL... I definitely can relate to that.
...loved CharlotteColors comment, so healing and accepting. Hope you enjoy your visit with peace and love. Hugs,
PS:...Georgia O'Keefe lived in the Texas panhandle when she was teaching there. She feel in love with the scenery - the red mountains, etc. Painted several pictures of such. M
Safe trip, hon...and a hug. My mum is still in England...this is the 8th Christmas where I haven't seen her (or any of my family for that matter *smiles*). It's strange.
Thinking of you...*hug*
baahahahahaaa! i can laugh because i know this feeling oh, too well. moms/daughters...tenuous...dangerous...rebellious.
"You know, I MIGHT even look better with shorter hair, but it chaps my hide to even consider cutting it because then she might feel she's won." <<-- hee! that's so true.
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