The Insanity Begins ...

You'd think after the year I've had that the last thing I'd want to do now is volunteer for mroe insanity, but no, I apparently have lost what little sense I used to have because I'm there with about 40,000 other people.  I'm ready to throw caution to the winds and make the commitment.  I'm going to write a book in 30 days. 

Again.

For the third November in a row, I'm signed up for National Novel Writing Month.  My first foray into the realm of NaNoWriMo resulted in a thriller that didn't thrill me much by the time I was done.  I had impossible science and outlandish situations.  (The killer turned out to be the little old lady working at the dry cleaners ... ).  But it was an excellent exercise in doing what I set out to do. 

Last year, I didn't finish the book.  I called it "The Year of Behaving Badly" and one day I think I would like to finish it.  But it was just a little more autobiographical than I was ready to deal with.  Over the past year, much of what I wrote in that book (and some events that I never wrote otu past the outline stage) have in fact come to pass.  Freaky, huh?

This year, I'm sticking to a straight, no nonsense plot about two people who meet, despise each other, and somehow between the first chapter and the last figure out that they can't live without each other.  

I believe that I mentioned I completed my training to become a loan officer.  I got my first call last night from a potential client in need of a mortgage.  It's a doozy of a situation and when I pull this one off, I will have proven myself to myself and everyone else in the company.  Hey, this is what I live for, right?

I was really tired last night so I went to bed at - sometime way before I should have.  So I was up this morning at 3:30.  I've done laundry, unpacked boxes, balanced my checkbook, and now I've written a Xanga blog and it's still not yet 6.  If only it had been another 24 hours, I'd have been writing on my book. 

And I ALMOST forgot --- the magnetic poetry cliche of the day ....

"I'm as ready as a no brainer cut our for a piece of cake."

"The grease in the water on easy street saves the small stuff a penny."

Time Flies When it's Filled with Love ...

I've told the story before, how Mary and I were best friends when we were twelve, lost touch when her family moved away, and didn't have contact for over 20 years until she hunted me down through the internet.  If I tried to tell you everything that Mary has been and done for me, she'd hunt me down again and choke me.  But, since she lives in Virginia and I'm pretty sure she'd calm down in the twelve hours it would take her to book that fligtht and get here ...   She's a wonderful friend.  She says that she isn't a maternal type person, but she pours herself out nurturing me as a person, a woman and a writer.  We've promised that when we are old we are going to be like the crazy uncles in the film Second Hand Lions ... her daughter has promised that if we do that, she's going to lock us away in the attic. 

As soon as I had my own address here in Colorado Springs, she scheduled a visit.  I picked her up at the airport last Saturday and we've had the whole week to play and sightsee and get caught up.  She's the woman in the photo with me from the blog below.  And here she is again at the Garden of the Gods ...

We've had a full week.  Drove to the top of Pike's Peak (where it is FREAKING cold).  Bought the magnet, "Real Women Don't Need Guardrails."  Of course, while the guardrails are optional, some oxygen would be nice.  Went to Denver to the coolest bookstore ever and spent about 5 hours saying, "Have you read this poet?  Oh, you have to listen to this ..."  We bought a set of magnetic poetry pieces (the cliche collection) and created some great mixed metaphors.  Better poetry through refrigeration, you know?  We walked around Old Colorado City and considered tattoos, beads, stuffed bears, and chocolate truffles.  We played Scrabble, Boggle, and Upwords ... and I only cheated a little.    Her flight out is just getting into the air as I'm starting this blog.  All the way up to Denver we giggled over the memories of things that we've laughed about this week.  Silliness unbelievable as we acted like children in a great big playground of delights. 

I miss her already.  I said so to another friend, confessing that I couldn't believe how fast the time had gone.  And that's where I got the title to this blog.

TINA - I LOVE what you are doing here.  THANK YOU.   I don't know if you want or need more photos, but I'm going to post some here so you have options. 

Company

I have my first official visitor to my new Colorado home.  My friend, Mary, is here.  She and I have been catching up on our talking, hanging out, and reading.  She's given me photoshop lessons and I've taught her ... well, so far I'm not sure she's learned anything from me, but she's laughing a lot. 

When we were younger, much younger ... Mary was a natural blonde.  Things change, but I always think of her with lovely golden locks.  Recently, I've been seeing these photos of Jessica Simpson, and everytime I have to do a double-take because she looks so much like the teen version of my friend.  I made that observation aloud the other day and Mary enjoyed it so much that she called her daughter to check my perception.  Stephanie didn't reply immediately.  And when she did, it was short and sweet, "Aunt Terri is on crack." 

Kids, what to they know. 

#ROAD

I have learned over the past year that roadside assistance is a GOOD thing.  I have three different plans for such help in case of emergency.  So last week when I had a blow out on the interstate, I had options.  Yes, it was late at night.  Yes, I was alone.  Yes, it was very NICE to have the Triple A guy changing that tire instead of me having to do it. 

I've spent much of my day working and reworking a project that didn't require nearly so much effort on my part.  And at the end, I found this quote:

" I N D I S C R I M I N A T E
P U R S U I T  O F
P E R F E C T I O N
I N F A L L I B L Y  L E A D S
T O  M E D I O C R I T Y "
Henry Fuseli

Now that I've had a good laugh on me, I'm off to have a much less perfect evening.

And because I wouldn't want anyone to worry about me too much, I want to let you know that I'm not really living on coffee with creamer alone, yesterday I had a granola bar, too. 

Fall Day

It's a lovely day here in Colorado Springs.  Of course, I've thought that every day since I've been here, but I especially mean it today.  The boys are with Tim.  I'm sure they are having a good time.  They called me yesterday to make sure I was eating.  (Coffee with creamer counts, right?)

This morning they called to tell me that thanks to the fact that the resort they are staying in boasts a heated pool, they were able to swim even though it was snowing rather heavily.  Um, can I speak to Daddy, please?   I'm sure they are fine.  They are tough boys and you don't get sick from chill, you get sick from germs, right?  RIGHT?!?

So I've been having a day of getting things done that I want and need to do.  And I needed to read some poetry ... so while I was waiting for an appointment I indulged myself in these:

To My Heart Bidding It Have No Fear

Be you still, be you still, trembling heart
Remember the wisdom out of the old days:
   Him who trembles before the flame and the flood,
   And the winds that blow through the starry ways
   Let the starry winds and the flame and the flood
   Cover and hide for he has no part
   With the proud, majestical multitude.

                                   W B Yeats

Your Bread is Seeking You

Listen, put trust in God,
don't let your hands and feet tremble with fear:
your daily bread is more in love with you, than you with it.

It is in love with you and is hold back
only because it knows of your lack of self-denial.

If you had any self-denial, the daily bread
would throw itself upon you as lovers do.
What is this feverish trembling for fear of hunger?
With trust in God, one can live full-fed.

                                                    Rumi

You Are Warm

You are warm
like a big dog.  I bask
in your warmth.  I immerse myself
in purity.

Every day I put on my neck
the corals of your young enchantment.
I plait into my hair your tenderness.
Your calm strokes me on the head.

You have the virgin charm
of a being who has never experienced
the kiss of pain or the embrace of fear.

Leaning over you
I look into your eyes.
Undisturbed by thought, they reflect
the sky.

                                 Anna Swir

There's No Place Like Home ...

Yep, the ruby slipper's have been clicked three times together.  The whirlwind swirls around us.  And Terri has landed in an apartment all her own.  It's scary moving in here with no job.  But we need our own space.  I didn't realize, even though I knew that we'd been stressed and had to do a lot of flexing, adjusting and compromising, just how difficult its been on the three of us to be in someone else's home for the past five months. 

No matter how welcome we have been made to feel, no matter how much we know our hosts love us, we have had to live with the constant awareness that they were also flexing, adjusting, and compromising - only, it was their house.  And my kids are not perfect little angels.  They are cool kids and generally well-liked by the people in our lives.  But they are boys with boisterous tendencies.  I'm glad to be in a place where I don't have to worry so much whether they are causing a problem with their laughter, their activity level, and their typically boyish way of relating to little girls.  "I had to pull her hair, Momi, she sat down right beside me with those bouncy curls and she smiled at me! 

So while we are carrying boxes, setting up our home, and unpacking the things we haven't seen in six months, I'll leave you with a few more photos of the sights we love.

click here to take this quiz

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 10/10

You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent. You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end. Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart.

You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically. You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy. You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT. You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.

Of the 131,965 people who have taken this quiz, 4.8 % are this type.

Thank God, Lucky taught me the appropriate response to things like this ... o_0

If you haven't had a chance before, check out the photos below.  I'll be posting MORE.

FINALLY - WHOOOO HOOOOOO ___ A Photo!  In fact a photo I took this evening because I was hoping to catch that striking gold as it appears against the deepest blue sky I've ever seen.

(I got a response from the Xanga team about the problem with my account not accepting photos.  And it looks like the problem has been solved!  Now to show you more of my new stompin grounds ... )

I never tire of looking at the mountain ... Pike's Peak sits above us watching us, protecting us, and inspiring us with it's moods and apparel. 

This next photo taken at Cheyenne Mountain has become the wallpaper on my desktop.  If you like it, I'll send you the full sized image and you can pretend you are working in a woodland paradise as well. 

Does it look to you like two camels kissing?  This was taken from the base of the rock.

Here it is from the back side of the formation.  You can see that I'm shooting over the guard rail at just below treetop level so maybe that gives you an idea of just how massive this rock is. 

There isn't a photo of the red-assed baboon that I can show you, it's strictly from my imagination.    But now that I know I can upload photos, I'll extend my apologies in advance to my compadres with dial-up.  Because I have a lot of pent up need to show off the beauty in which I now live.  I'll be back with more.

UPdate:

My car is ready so I can pick it up now.  And the manager who interviewed me called to let me know they offered the position to someone else who had more experience.  Bummer. 

I Keep Thinking ...

I was supposed to hear yesterday whether I got the job that I was really hoping for, but no call.  ~sigh~  I was offered a cashier position at Target last Friday.  But then the arrangements I thought were in place for childcare fell through.  SO when I had to tell them I could only work days and no weekends, they withdrew their offer. 

I'm back to square one, looking for a day job. 

In the meantime, I'm in another one of those places I never thought I'd be.  I made that appointment with the Human Services people absolutely confident that I would never keep it.  But ... looks like I'll be there with my paperwork filled out.  How do single moms do it?  Its very frustrating.  If it were just me, if I had no family obligations, I could have been working months ago.  I found out when I filled out the preliminary forms that the boys and I are poverty stricken.  In fact, we fall in the category of the 30th percentile level of poverty.  I could get a good job and we'd still be officially poor. 

Yet we have food in the cupboard, we have a roof over our head, warm clothes, and an internet connection.  Okay, I know that part of the reason that we have these things is that I have accumulated resources from before my marriage ended.  If I'd had to start from scratch providing these things for my kids, the scene would be very different.  I'm grateful that I'm not in the position of some women I've known who literally left their marriage with nothing more than the clothes on their backs.  I've also had help from friends who stepped in and demonstrated that they won't let me fall.  I had the grace of almost six months rent free living. 

My therapist and I have had this conversation about how surreal it is to know that my means are so meager and yet to feel so ... comfortable.  It's the very definition of cognitive dissonance.  The numbers say one thing and my actual daily living experience says something entirely different. 

There's a parable in the Bible about people who went to work for a certain man.  He offered them a certain wage for the job and they agreed to take it.  Then the clock ticked and at midday, he hired more people and offered them the same wage as those who'd been working since that morning.  The clock tocks and not long before the day ends, he hires even more people and pays them the same thing he pays the people who have labored hard all day.  The people who've been there all day complain at what they see as unfair treatment.  The employer answers by pointing out that he paid them the wage they agreed to work for.  He asks them if it's not his money to do with as he wishes?  What is it to them if he chooses to be generous with these late-comers. 

I'm a late-comer.  It seems to me that anyone born in America is starting out in the field at sometime after 4 pm. we are so far ahead of the rest.  No wonder we are the envy of the world.  Azar Nafisi describes the attitude of the Islamic Republic of Iran toward the United States.  She says that we are simultaneously the object of scorn and great envy.  America has been elevated to legendary and fantastical status in the eyes of those who see us as coming to the field and reaping rewards for labor we have not performed.  For the first time in my life, I truly understand where they are coming from.  Of course, I fear that unless I get a job quickly, I have further to fall.  But fear and guilt are the rocks and baboons that keep me laughing.

I don't have my car back.  They keep telling me that it will be ready soon.  It was supposed to be ready on Tuesday, but when I called yesterday they were still working on it.  I want my car back.  I know this may sound unreasonable and childish, but I'm tired of driving this snazzy Mustang.  I haven't earned a snazzy Mustang and it just feels wrong to be getting around in this fancy car with its killer stereo system.  Okay, it feels wrong when I think about it.  When I'm driving, I really enjoy the way it handles on curves and  accelerates on hills.  But I'm ready to be back in the Sunfire with speakers that squeak if I turn the volume up past a whisper and an engine that whines on a 2% grade.  I'd like to back the clock up a bit to a time where I feel more comfortable.

Do I sound depressed?  I'm not depressed, I don't care what the doctor says.  And that's something else that I'm conflicted about.  See, according to the questionaires, the assessments and the diagnosis of two respected professionals, I'm clinically depressed.  I don't see myself as depressed.  Especially since I started using my affirmations and word pictures.  It's just impossible to be depressed if I'm laughing, and between the rock and the baboon, I laugh a lot.  So I'm working at being the best parent I can be, making the best decisions I can make, and finding a way to give myself a sense of owning my place in this world.  Except that I may never own it, because more and more and more, I see that my place isn't something I have or ever could earn.  It's a grace.