September 23, 2004

• Good People and Bad Things

  
  

  Do you remember the old black and white television set?  The way that sometimes there would be "snow" across the picture?  Dad would go outside and twist the antenna trying to get a clearer image.  Sometimes that worked, and sometimes you just had to turn it off.  The snow collapsed to a point of light in the center of the screen and gradually faded to black. 

  
  

  For months my life has been like living in the midst of a snow storm.  No clear picture to focus on, just fuzz and noise obscuring the signal that would show me what the answers are.  I still don't have any answers, but I have reached the place where I finally gave up and turned off the receiver. 

  
  

  Monday was just one of those days.  I'm not sure it was so much worse than any other day but it was bad enough.  I met with the therapist that afternoon and ... well ... she's a good one.  She confronted me on several points, strongly.  And I left her office with homework.  I have to read a book (no problem), I'm supposed to write in my journal every day (no I haven't been making the entries private, I haven't been making the time to do it), and I'm supposed to say to myself a dozen times a day-hour-minute "that's not my issue." 

  
  

  She would ask me a question and I would answer it and then say, "But what if ...." and she would look at me and say, "Who's issue would that be?"  Well, it would be my issue because I would feel terrible if so-and-so thought/felt/believed ...My therapist does this eyebrow thing that reminds me a lot of ... me.  And then she asks again, "Who's issue would that be?"  Um, it would be their issue because they are the only one in charge of how they think/feel/believe?  I'm making progres folks but it's kind of uphill climbing. 

  
  

  I haven't been spending much time online.  The least amount I can get away with in fact.  This is because I didn't want to spend the money to buy the wireless card for my computer so my online time ties up my cousin's phone line.  Not very friendly of me to do that for hours a day.  Well, I gritted my teeth, broke down, and bought the wireless card.  Brought it home and installed it myself (which made me feel competent and that's a good thing.)  Fired up the computer and ... it doesn't work.  The signal from the router upstairs is too weak. 

  
  

  Well, then Eliza and I had a talk and she told me about her day.  Her oldest daughter is autistic.  This summer, Rachel has been having some issues herself.  She's entering puberty, all kinds of changes are going on in her world and she isn't handling them well.  Not to go into extreme detail, the way that Rachel has been demonstrating her stress level is distressing to her and everyone around her.  It's probably not the case that my kids and I are the direct cause of her problems but it doesn't help that there are extra people in the house. 

  
  

  The bottom line is that I have to move out. 

  
  

  I'm not ready to move out. 

  
  

  I don't have enough money saved. 

  
  

  I don't have a place to go.

  
  

  I don't have a job.

  
  

  I don't have any ideas.

  
  

  Monday night I reached absolute rock bottom.  And then I got this clear vision of what I've been doing.  At first the problems I was trying to carry were like a heavy rock.  It was difficult but I could get it up to my shoulder.  Then they grew and it because a really heavy rock that I could kind of get up to my shoulder if I used both hands and bent my back.  Then it was a rock that I couldn't lift, but I could push it and roll it.  Monday night, I realized that I'm looking at a rock that's bigger than a house.  I can't lift it, I can't push it, I can't even see around it.  And I stopped trying. 

  
  

  My problems have not gone away, if anything they get more impossible to solve with each passing hour.  But I'm not crying.  I'm not confused.  I'm not panicking.  I'm simply being.  

  
  

  I had an interview on Tuesday that was the most promising I've had so far.  The position won't be filled before October 8, but I am being invited back for a second interview next week.  The position has good pay, good benefits, and it's in a good location in the north part of town just a little ways up the road from the church.  The people I met were all people that I would enjoy hanging around with.  Best of all the work is interesting enough that I'm excited about the possibility of being a part of it.  So I'd appreciate your prayers on this one. 

  
  

  And I have to tell you this story, because it's just cool.  I had lunch with a man who's been helping me.  He advised me on my resume, put me in touch with people to talk with about job opportunities, and has even gone so far as to market me to people who have openings in their company.  He contacted me on Tuesday for the first time in a couple of weeks.  While we were talking, he said, "Hey!  I just met a woman who works for that company, let's just call her and see if she can give us some advice before your interview."  There are 500 people who work for this company, and when she got on the line, we quickly realized that it's HER position I'm interviewing for.  So you can't get much more inside information than what I had going into the interview.

  
  

  I keep thinking about the book or at least the title, "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?"  And I think that's all backwards.  See, I think we get all caught up in thinking of ourselves as good or bad people.  I'm good compared to some, bad compared to others.  Really really bad compared to Mother Teresa ... And when I think of it that way, it seems to me that the real question is "Why do Unfair things happen to people?"  I have unfairly good things that have happened like when Tom and Eliza went to the expense of remodeling their basement to make a home for us.  And then there are things I think are unfairly bad like things with the kids working out so badly that I can't stay here as long as we had planned.  There are unfairly good things happening me like when Frank happened to have met Bonnie who happened to be the person I'll be replacing if I get this job. 

  
  

  Me, I've reached the point where I'm not worried about whether I'm good or bad.  I'm just a little dot.  In all the snow around me there are good things and bad things happening.  But trying to control them, trying to pick it all up and carry it, has become  impossible.  So tonight, I took time to watch the sun sinking behind Pike's Peak.  The sky was on fire, my heart was burning, and my eyes were drinking it all in. 

  
  

   

  • 11:32 pm
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