July 29, 2004
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In The Shadow of A Tall Moutain
I'm living here in the shadow of Pike's Peak and I love it. I find myself a dozen times a day looking toward the mountain, enjoying the play of light across the ridges and the sweep of clouds around the peak. The sunset this evening was amazing. In addition to the regular sunset features I'm used to, we had lightning flashes from an almost cloudless sky.
It's rained here, an unusual amount since my arrival. I've been saying for months that it would rain. It's kind of a policy I've noticed that God follows. Places which haven't flooded in fifty or a hundred years, flood when I arrive. We don't have flood conditions, but we are dangerously close to seeing the break of a long drought. I'm not complaining, and I'm not taking credit, I'm just noting that once again, God is pouring down water on my head.
See, I think God has a tremendous sense of humor about this because He knows that what I really want is to have lovely straight, shiny hair. All this humidity means that I have curly kinky frizzy hair. It keeps me humble.
I did turn down the position at Borders. And I have another confession, that was terribly difficult for me to do. I have had this plan in mind for months. I would get here, I would get a job, and I would not be dependent on anyone. Only well, it isn't working out quite that way. I'm here and I'm kind of falling apart.
I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way (meaning as a complaint about where I've been) but for the first time in a long time, I'm in a place where it's emotionally safe to just cry if I need to. And I need to. My cousin has spent all the days since my arrival consistently and patiently making it clear that she was ready for me and all my baggage. She has held me while I've cried. She unplugged the vacuum while I was using it and told me "no more". She has brought in babysitters this week so that if I need to lie down and sleep, I don't have to worry about who's watching the kids. I'm starting to really get it.
I've been thinking a lot, meditating a lot, praying a lot since I've been here. That's a dangerous thing to do. See God has a tendency to show up and get involved in my life when I do that. His involvement well, can I be honest? It's almost never welcome. I mean I try to have a welcoming attitude, but in reality I'm a little bit hard-headed. Its always a shock to realize that maybe my plan wasn't the best. And I resist changing the plan the way a two year old resists nap time. No matter how much I (and everyone around me) may know it's what I need, I hang in there to the very end just in case it turns out that maybe I was right and I can do it on my own.
Living with this need to retain control, to set and follow my plan, to never let down my guard because that might be the moment I'd lose it all. It's a tall moutain that casts this shadow on my life. I've grown used to it being there, it has been a solid shield of protection that kept my heart safe. I've been busy, I've been in control, I've been very concerned with other people's feelings ...
Now my feelings are demanding equal time. I'm exhausted from the effort of bargaining with my heart - "I promise, just give me one more day and then I'll give you time ..." But I'm discovering that my heart has a strength I hadn't counted on, a strength I can't resist. The mountain is beginning to move.
Comments (21)
This sounds like one of those times when there is only one set of footprints in the sand because at that time you were being carried in loving arms.
The more I resist change the more God lets me know that He is the one in control. I don't resist (as much) anymore because it's just easier to face the truth. He really is in control. He came into my life years ago and although I didn't feel I deserved His Presence, here He has stayed. I love that saying, "Let go and let God." He's forever working on us. Such patience He has.
It sounds like this is exactly what you needed was some quite time and meditation time to connect with Great Spirit--yes we all seem to fight what he wants us to do--i'm not sure that isn't in our make up--remember the apple--lol--you'll be just fine--you need to cry and to feel what you need too--maybe then you'll get the answers you seek--blessed be scarlet
It's wonderful to have somebody who will allow you to have the time you need...who will support you and care and allow you to fall apart. It's one of those luxuries I've never had...and so I'm very familiar with telling myself to just wait for MY time to be cared for. I'm glad that you're getting what you need.
I'm so glad that you are in a place where you have those who love unconditionally and will let you take the time you need, even if they have to help you make it. Glad to see you again.
These are the days of faith. Keep and trust yourself. When you don't let go of yourself too soon, you will find you may not need to, because you will be freer than you ever thought. I know, because I made a journey very similar and it turned out to be my emotional salvation. Sometimes that's the hardest thing you ever have to let happen before you really know what you want.
My brother lives in Colorado Springs too, right at the bottom of that same mountain, and loves it... but he is moving to Kentucky soon. I've never been to either. He has always had Gypsy Feet. I've always been envious that he could pick up and move like that. It's certainly not easy. I know that you are more in touch with yourself than half the world is. You know what is best for you even if it's not apparent in the beginning and you have your doubts along the way. Hang in there. It really will be ok.
Your cousin sounds like a real jewel. How wonderful to have people like that in your life.
On another note, feel free to take and post pictures of your new city.
I think we can fool ourselves into believing everything's ok because we get so used to focusing on other stuff. If I just think about this, and don't think about that, I'll get through this. Well, just because we got so damn used to not thinking about it doesn't mean it was ever dealt with. Like hiding that pile of dirty laundry under the sink to wash when we have time. We may even forget that it's there. But then one day we stop and are quietly going about our business and find that damn laundry. Take care of what you've been needing to take care of now, Terri. Let it happen and feel it and deal with it. Then move on. But it really does have to happen in that order. I wish I were there to give you hugs and say some stupid shit to make you smile. I'm glad Eliza can do it for me. Call me any damn night, any damn time you're lying in bed and you just need to talk, ok? Even if I am asleep, it don't matter none! Big hugs.
Natives here may take it for granted that you merely need to glance west to take in the "purple mountains' majesty," but I am awed anew every day.
I came here for a change as well... and have often seeked change, but too often go too far with it, and give up too easily. Even now I have to argue with myself to stick with the teaching path. (Natasha's experience has not helped in that regard, but she must follow her own path...)
You're blessed to have such a supportive cousin. I'm sorry that the Borders position didn't work out as you would have liked, but that's the nature of retail... I know as well as anyone about the vagaries of inconsistent schedules. At least you got some time working in a bookstore, and seemed to enjoy it. My time at Waldenbooks was miserable, but that was purely because of who I had to work for.
If your cousin would ever like to extend an invitation, we'd love to come down. I've lived here for two years but haven't been farther south than Larkspur, where we'll be going again tomorrow for the Renaissance Festival
You'll be fine. If Border's won't make you an offer to work sensible hours, aren't there any other merchants who will? They'd be lucky to get someone of your sense and humanity. Hang in there.
You and God have always had a thing that I've thought was special somehow.
I don't know if He hears me any more but if he does ... you'll be fine. And sooner that you think.
I go away for a while and forget what a wonderful writer you are.
well...
... at least you've got a cell phone.
Hello, I love the poem on your homepage. Did you write that poem? It is beautiful! At any rate, you have a creative flair for writing! I just came across your site today.
I am Jewish and staying that way, but I have a lot of Christian friends. I think it is wonderful that G-d is leading you to your inner strength.
remember...verizon to verizon...i'm just a pre-programmed push away.
i'm glad you're finding time to let loose some of what you've had bottled up. i'm glad your cousin is wise enough to know what you needed. and i'm glad you're letting her watch over you a while. and i'm glad we met and talked because i understand more about you than i did before.
you're so worth it, terri.
You are in just the place you need to be right now. I am glad for you.
Ahh, my dear. [[[TERRI]]] Of course the contemplative time needed to come; you've been revving at a million rpms for months and months and months now. That incredible engine of yours needs a little down-time. I did smile at "almost never welcome." Your honesty is a marvel -- and a great gift.
I am so glad you are in a place where you can set down the baggage and think. I know you'll come through it all tidy and feeling much, much, much better. Which is not to say the process will be easy or comfortable.
May your mountain-moving occur to good effect (as I know it will!).
In the shadow of Pike's Peak ... I love being in the mountains. I always feel like they are watching over and protecting me. I miss them greatly, living in the midwest. May you draw strength from your view of the mountain! I'm way behind in reading your blog -- I see a LOT of changes have happened... best wishes, and strength to you.
you are fine...
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