June 7, 2004

• In the Bosom of Family -

  
  

  All families are weird in their own way.  Some families are quiet, some are not.  Some families are organized, some are not.  Some families are wealthy some are not.  But all families are weird.  Mine is especially weird. 

  
  

  My Mom totally rules.  And I don't mean as in, hey, dude, that Granny lady rules.  I mean she rules in that she makes decisions that are then carried out by unsuspecting people for three counties around.  Today, Mom is at the hospital doing visitation duty.  My Aunt's sister has been admitted for some testing and you'd think the circus has come to town the way the extended family got up for the drive to Little Rock to offer their support.  The poor woman probably has no fewer than 10 people who are either in her room, or chattering like magpies in the waiting area while her internal organs are being photographed and displayed on the overhead projector so people like my Mom can say, "Well, it doesn't look nearly as bad as when Aunt Yaddie had that same kind of pain ..."  (Yes, I did have an Aunt Yaddie, she died.) 

  
  

  There are a lot of people in this family that I have no idea what their real first names are.  I also had an Uncle Bud, Uncle Puss, Aunt Sugar, Cousin Bugsy (a woman), Cousin Honey, and an Cousin in Law called Tootsie who was married to my cousin Hazel.  (Tootsie died too.  Then poor Cousin Hazel had that unfortunate incident when the gentleman she was seeing but they were just friends, died while he was in bed with her, which was kind of embarassing because she had sworn his car was only there overnight because he fell asleep during the Tonight Show.  Now she can't get anyone to come over and watch tv with her.) 

  
  

  I got a phone call earlier from my older Cousin across the street, her name is Arkie and she lives with her now retired daughter Dink and Dink's husband Hamp.  Anyway, Hamp's been gardening and she wanted me to come across and get a mess of new potatoes.  Okay, I can do this.  Potatoes are not on the diet, but I learned a LONG time ago that when the family calls and says come and get a mess of whatever, you go get it.  Hamp also raises horses.  You know, I really need to take some pictures of this place so you guys will have an idea of what it's like here.  It's nothing like living in a city (see the aboce mentioned horses), and not much like living in the country either come to think of it (way too many people around for it to feel rural.)  It's not like any suburb I've ever inhabited ... I just don't really quite know how to describe it.  It's life in Malvern, Arkansas.     

  
  

  I'm kind of distracted from my point, and I think I had one.  It all started with Mom leaving with my Aunt - oh did I tell you her name?  It's Dorita - seriously.  I have an Aunt named for a snack food.  We mostly call her Dorie though.  So Mom is leaving and the phone is ringing and because Mom isn't here to talk with them I'm getting the pleasure of conversation with all the extended family network.  I swear, MCI should be glad they all live here together because there's no way the company could survive giving this crowd a Friends and Family discount.  My Aunt Pat is offended because my cousin Paula is offended because all Aunt Pat said was "Everytime your baby looks at Carlon, he cries and cries and won't shut up."  Aunt Pat knows that Paula was offended because it's Pat's turn to babysit the baby, and Paula didn't bring him.  While she was on the phone with me, Aunt Pat made dire predictions about the apocalypse and then ended with telling me details of this dream she had in which I married someone.  She says, I don't know what kind of human you're gonna marry, but I dreamed that he ain't from around here, and you need to just slow down and think about this. 

  
  

  I'm thinking that she needs to go back to bed.  I've been divorced less than two months.  Maybe the dream signals got crossed (I suggested it to her that she should check in with Kristin (my younger single college aged cousin) I sort of suggested to Aunt Pat that Kristin was considering a friendship with someone of another race - a dreaded Texan - by the time the smoke clears from that one, I should be well on my way to Colorado.)    Hey, I kind of owed Kristin one, from two years ago.  Yes, I can hold a grudge that long. 

  
  

  So we were talking yesterday about the number of steps I take in a day and I was saying that I average about 12,000.  I just checked and for me to walk from my computer desk to the other side of the house (Dad's office) and back it's 98 steps.  I'm sure I make that trip at least ten times a morning.  Then from the laundry room to the bedrooms is about 43 steps and I had seven loads of laundry today.  This is a four bedroom, three bathroom, two dining room, house and it's vacuuming day, so there are a lot of steps involved in that.  The "garage" behind the house is a part pavilion, part pole barn structure that's about half a standard city block away, so anytime I need to go out there, it's like parking on the back side of Walmart to get your exercise.  (Mom has a golfcart she drives back and forth between the house and her car.)

  
  

  And I was talking about how my Mom rules.  The steps and my Mom's rule are related.  See, if I want to maintain some sense of autonomy, I've figured out that my best chance is to choose to be busy doing something at all times so that when Mom comes looking for a victim, she'll pass me by.  It's kind of the Southern Ya-Ya Woman equivalent to smearing lamb's blood on the lintel so the angel of death won't stop.  And it works - or at least it's a work out. 

  
  

  Wanna see the kids?  They are all in the living room now playing Playstation Dukes of Hazard.  (No, I couldn't make this up if I tried.)  Tucker's been telling me, "MOM, there's this really cool car called the 'Generally' ..."

  
  

  

  
  

  Tucker sitting on the coffee table (where he isn't supposed to be), Jordan with the controller (he was supposed to have handed it off to one of the others because he's already had an hour and a half turn), Michael sitting too close to the television, and Jared lying back in the armchair the say his Aamaw tells him a dozen times a day not to sit on the furniture.

  • 3:04 pm
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