March 16, 2004
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Promises, Promises
The older I get the more I dislike promises. It's always been a point of wisdom to let yes be yes and no be no, but it has become much much more than it used to be. Now, when someone makes me a promise, my first reaction is suspicion. I wonder why they feel that they would need to promise anything? If you intend to do something, just do it, don't promise me that you will do it.
See here's my thinking, making me a promise elicits from me a relationship "credit" before you've earned it. (Not that my relationships are about keeping score, but bear with me in this metaphor.) If I believe your promise then I'm going to be acting toward you as though you've already completed whatever it is that you've promised to do. If for any reason you aren't able to follow through on that promise, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault - we're suddenly in the position of having to renegotiate our relationship because it's been built on something less than truth and reality.
I'm equally unhappy when I find myself in the position of making a promise. I made some promises to a friend several months back. My follow-through on those promises has been less than stellar. Partly that's because I didn't realize when I made those promises that I was commiting to something far beyond my present knowledge and capacity for performing under the best of conditions. But add in the issues of parenting and going through the legal and personal trauma of a divorce and I might as well have just never even tried to get done the things I said I would do. I've been slow, inconsistent, and my work hasn't been of the quality I would like to see as my standard.
Now my friend is rightly upset with me because when I made those promises, I was extended the relationship credit that comes with producing specific results. It doesn't matter that my intentions were good. (Still are) What matters is that I said I would do it, and I haven't.
In spite of the time stamp you may notice on this blog, I'm not sleep deprived these days. In fact, my body seems to be in "catch-up mode". I lay down with Tucker almost five hours ago. We read his bedtime story, and before I knew it we were both sleeping. So I've already had more than a half night of rest, and I'm on my way back to bed now to get that second half.
I hope that your dreams are full of inspiration and that your rest is peaceful and long. See you tomorrow.
Comments (19)
I understand. I really dont like making promises, but they are pretty much something that at one time or another you have to do. Recently I too have fallen on a promise. Terrible feeling.
I've had so many broken promises made to me that just hearing the words "I'll do...(whatever) or I always will... or trust me to..." makes me cringe. I've broken my share of promises too, but not before the ones made to me had been broken and walked on and thrown into the trash.
I feel very strongly when it comes to making promises. So, I rarely make any.
Promises are the filaments that make the web of obligations that we must all spin. It's more work repairing a broken filament than spinning a new one.
Wait until your kids are teens....and your memory starts fading....and they pull the "but you SAID" line on you. Maybe I "said", and maybe I didn't...how am I supposed to remember? And the kid knows I can't remember, thus, "but you SAID." A good and safe policy...never make promises to teens. That's easy to remember.
Hmm...I never thought about promises like that before. I do have to agree with this one. Either do it or don't, but promises only cause trouble. Good blog.
i don't like making them either..because if something keeps you from keeping that promise you look like an *ss..and my hubby says he won't ever make on..except the one he made on our wedding day..and if he does make a promise..it is important enough to keep no matter what...
Right on, Lady. The older I get, the more promises I break -- and I refuse to believe it's just because I'm getting lax (and/or evil).
Which reminds me: you have not PROMISED to visit me this weekend, but I'm sure countin' on it.....must get that email with details to you soon.
I'm sitting here with that Dionne Warwick song running through my head now (and will probably not be able to get rid of it for the whole day: "Promises, promises, I'm all through with promises, promises now..." etc. etc. etc.
So far I've managed to keep the very few promises I've made, but they've had more to do with being than doing. I applaud your caution in this area. Somehow the disappointment when promises are broken hurts just as much when you're older and can understand the circumstances as they do when you're a kid and can't understand them. When you think about it, promises are vows and oaths; breaking them is serious business and they are not to be taken lightly.
T
>:D<
ya know?
Do those promises include the big one: marriage? You don't have to answer that. It's a question going on in my mind lately. Should the promises made in marriage ever be made? It's one of the biggest promises of all, and therefore one of the hardest to keep. Talk about "commiting to something far beyond [one's] present knowledge and capacity for performing under the best of conditions."
Terri, I'm so glad you wrote this. I remember a mail you sent early on in our friendship stating that you don't make promises and I thought it a bit harsh. Now I understand where you were coming from and I agree completely. Just Do It. In my life, "promises" tend to be reassurance, as it "believe me... I will or I do" So yes, when the actions don't speak as loud as said promises it *can* be disappointing.
I love the way your mind works, y'know?
promises are only as good as the person that makes them believes
I have little to go on where the promise made to your friend is concerned, but I would dare say, that a friend aware of your current state of affairs and the added stresses of life could be a bit more understanding than to hold it against you. Rather, I'd think she might actually offer to 'let you off the hook' and see is she can do soemthing to help you. But that's just me.
Huggies and lovies to you,
Deb
Good things said here - I too have always had a thing about not making promises if possible.
Make an appointment. That's a promise. Simple, but still a promise. Integrity is keeping promises. One key is to realize that every time you make a primise, you're putting your integrity on the line, so be careful when you make promises.
Covey would say that keeping promises builds an emotional bank account with the person with whom you've kept the promises. Then, if you break a little one (little in the heart of the person who's been promised), you still have credits in the account. On the other hand, if you didn't have a balance with the other person, you would be overdrawn, no matter how big or small the broken promise was.
Make an appointment. That's a promise. Simple, but still a promise. Integrity is keeping promises. One key is to realize that every time you make a primise, you're putting your integrity on the line, so be careful when you make promises.
Covey would say that keeping promises builds an emotional bank account with the person with whom you've kept the promises. Then, if you break a little one (little in the heart of the person who's been promised), you still have credits in the account. On the other hand, if you didn't have a balance with the other person, you would be overdrawn, no matter how big or small the broken promise was.
Make an appointment. That's a promise. Simple, but still a promise. Integrity is keeping promises. One key is to realize that every time you make a primise, you're putting your integrity on the line, so be careful when you make promises.
Covey would say that keeping promises builds an emotional bank account with the person with whom you've kept the promises. Then, if you break a little one (little in the heart of the person who's been promised), you still have credits in the account. On the other hand, if you didn't have a balance with the other person, you would be overdrawn, no matter how big or small the broken promise was.
Make an appointment. That's a promise. Simple, but still a promise. Integrity is keeping promises. One key is to realize that every time you make a primise, you're putting your integrity on the line, so be careful when you make promises.
Covey would say that keeping promises builds an emotional bank account with the person with whom you've kept the promises. Then, if you break a little one (little in the heart of the person who's been promised), you still have credits in the account. On the other hand, if you didn't have a balance with the other person, you would be overdrawn, no matter how big or small the broken promise was.
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