February 27, 2004

• It's a Beautiful Day

  
  

  I am amazed at how MUCH difference it makes to start my day with a full night of sleep.  I was asleep last night by 9 and didn't wake until this morning just before 5.  That may not sound like an impressive achievement, but since I literally cannot remember the last time I slept through the whole night, I'm feeling like I won first prize! 

  
  

  I woke up with energy, with a clear mind, and with a sense of optimism that's been sorely lacking in my life lately.  I had thought it was likely to come back, no matter what's been happening in my life before, I always get my sense that the world is a wonderful magical place to be back sooner or later.  But it's very hard to remember that during day after day and night after night of dark gray thoughts. 

  
  

  Already this morning, I've walked on my treadmill (30 minutes, 3 mph, 6% incline ... just enough to get really sweaty before my shower.)  I've balanced the checkbook, fought a dragon and WON - there is a particular company that I've been trying to get to stop a draft against my account for over two months.  They drafted me again.  I really hate when people don't play nice.  I've been trying really hard to play nice with them.  I figured when they drafted my account in January that it was just a problem with the lag time between making the request and having it processed, but come ON!  I didn't fuss about the money from that draft, just contacted them and repeated my request.  They've had time to fix this.  So I called my bank, disputed the charge, and put stop payments against them.  One thing that I'm very pleased with about my bank is that they are agressive in dealing with these things on my behalf.  In the one other similar problem I had over a year ago, I signed a form they sent me already filled in with the information they took in the phone call, and that was that.  I've dealt with the clerk from the Federal Courthouse, the Ford Dealer (I need the thermostat replaced in the van), and I called the attorney and asked that a change be made to my divorce agreement.   It turns out that there was a typo so we were going to have to re-sign the thing anyway, I figured we might as well make it worth the trip.  Oh!  And I'm making plans to take the kids with me when the van goes in for repair because there is an old fashioned pharmacy on the square with a soda fountain and I think it will be a fun treat for them. 

  
  

  Can you tell I feel better?  You can't see how quickly I'm typing (or how few errors I'm having to correct) but my fingers are flying across the keys.  All from a good night's sleep. 

  
  

  It is a beautiful day here, the temperature is supposed to be above 50 for the second time this year, the sun is shining, and I saw shoots from my daffodils and tulips coming up outside.  But the only thing that makes today bright where yesterday was gray, is the difference in the way I feel inside.  Does it seem like I've made that point already?

  
  

  I keep thinking what it must be like to battle depression, day in and day out.  Because unlike my circumstance which has changed so drastically with a few hours of rest, the circumstance that makes the depressed person Depressed doesn't change.  The chemistry of his brain generates a feeling that no amount of will power can shake.  How horrible. 

  
  

  One of the things I've had to face and deal with over the past six months or so, is the realization of just how much I am (or could be) a slave to my emotions.  I've always seen myself as someone who acts much more based on what I think than how I feel.  But the strength of the emotions I've been experiencing has tossed me about like a bit of flotsam in a stormy sea.  Some of this is good.  If I was the master at thinking rather than feeling, it was at least partly because I was very good at pushing down rather than expressing my emotions.  I didn't realize that I felt so deeply. 

  
  

  So now I know.   I think, I'll go and think about that some more.

  
  

  Wishing you all a Happy Friday (my favorite day of the week anyway), a wonderful weekend, and REST.

  
  

   

  • 10:43 am
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