February 18, 2004

• A Crying in the Night Post

  
  

  Big Day ...

  
  

  I wonder often exactly when we reached the point of no return.  Was it still possible after we had the "divorce" discussion that we could have turned back the tide?  Could we even at that point have found a way to resolve our differences and remain married to each other?  Or by the time we had the discussion was the marriage already over.  A marriage is a living breathing thing, but unlike a creature with a tangible body, it's difficult to pinpoint the exact moment of death.

  
  

  Last night my son asked to speak with me.  Since he was being solemn and serious, I sat down and gave him my full attention.  He told me that he had figured out the day that made us have to be divorced.  (My kids include themselves in their description, they say that "we" the family are getting a divorce not "they" the parents.)  Michael believes that the end came on a particular day last July.  He may be right.  It's as good a theory as any.  I too believe that my marriage died many many months ago and that it took working through the grief and shock of it for us to recognize and plan the funeral. 

  
  

  My attorney contacted me yesterday to let me know that all the paperwork is prepared.  We've had what feels like a long time of negotiation in which we've attempted to consider every practical and legal aspect of the changing relationship between ourselves and to our children.  I reveiwed a dozen other divorce arrangements looking at what seemed to work, and what didn't about the way they were set up.  I consulted with my attorney.  I visited websites.  I'm comfortable that our agreement is the best that we could have given all the various conditions we are working with.

  
  

  Some of my friends were frustrated as we discussed the process and they asked me about particular details.  They felt that I was making a mistake to be putting so much energy into trying to be fair, that I should instead be trying to get the very best agreement possible for me and to advance my own interests.  I don't ask anyone to understand or approve the choices I've made or the way I've handled things. 

  
  

  I will explain that even though the marriage is over, I have been in relationship with Tim for seventeen years.  Yesterday was the 17th anniversary of our first date.  He didn't remember the date, but he called just before he left work and said that for some reason it seemed to him that he should invite me and the kids out to dinner.  I think that we still have work to do, but we are making the transition from frustrated spouses to supportive friends much better than I expected.  I give Tim credit for the success of this process.  Last fall, it would be fair to say that I was angry, bitter, resentful, and just more tired than I can now imagine.  I thought that I was willing to put work into learning how to be a friend to this man I could no longer be married to.  But I didn't feel like I had much in the way of emotional energy left to invest.  He has made a tremendous effort to do more than meet me halfway. 

  
  

  There have been days when the very fact of his efforts has frustrated and angered me.  I've blamed him for not making that effort sooner, for not doing it at a time when it might have made a difference in the outcome.  I'm sure he has moments that he's pinpointed and said to himself "if only she had done ...."  But in the end, there is little value in second guessing, in pretending that if we had done things differently at a particular time it would have made a specific difference in the end.  We don't have that kind of certainty that we can rely upon to beat ourselves with if only because we cannot know that any if only would have made any difference.

  
  

  .So I'm going this morning to attach my signature to the forms and my attorney will file the divorce today.  I expected that this day would be difficult.  But now that it's here, it's not nearly as traumatic as I'd feared.  We've been grieving the marriage for months.  Opening up that grieving process to include the rituals of court appearances and death certificates is the equivalent of announcing a memorial service some months after the death of a soldier.  Most people close to us already know, a few will be finding out when the announcement hits the paper.  We are already shuffling through the awkward moments and the tongue-tied attempts of people who feel they should say something. 

  
  

  I have made my decision about where the kids and I will move at least for the summer.  We were out on Saturday and I kept noticing that the later in the day it got, the more agitated Michael became.  He wanted to be HOME by dark.  He needs security and structure.  His biggest concern has been for how we would handle the physical changes of location and whether he would still have his things nearby.  Over the past three years, I've spent so much time in Arkansas with my parents that my kids feel that place is as familiar as this one, and in some ways they are more at home there.  With a lot of extended family and cousins their age, they move into that environment with a sigh of relief every time we go. 

  
  

  I'm not very confident that I will be able to find a job in that area that will support me.  But at least if I go there, I have people in place who are ready and willing to help care for my kids in a place they are comfortable if I have to travel to find employment.  Having that decision made eases a huge part of the stress I've been living with for the past four months.  I had set up this scene in my mind that I NEEDED to have a job NOW.  That I needed to be saving up enough money that come June I could comfortably pay for a move across country to some vague place where I would have already visited, interviewed, and have a position lined up and an apartment waiting.  But in fact, I don't need that.  I need to put my things in storage.  I need time to focus on my kids and building us into a tighter unit.  They are kids, I don't expect them to take on adult responsibility, but I want them to know that we are a family and that means that I'm counting on them as much as they are counting on me. 

  
  

  Okay - I'm rambling.  So I'll stop here and let you all know again that I appreciate your prayers and your support.  I've received far more than I ever expected and certainly more than I have earned in the way of friendship and loving concern.  Thank you for the grace you've extended.  Your touch on my heart has been a source of healing and strength.

  • 7:23 am
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