December 28, 2003

• As Real As It Gets

  
  

  Up until yesterday, Tim had I had not talked with our children about the coming divorce.  Like all parents, we preferred to believe that they really didn't know what was going on, and we have tried very hard for them not to have to deal with emotional scenes over the past month.  We had told ourselves we would let them have this holiday season before we had the serious talk.  Well, I've decided to take the boys to visit my family in Arkansas this week.  Knowing that the extended family has been informed we felt that it was more than likely that one of their little cousins would mention or ask them about their parents' split.  We couldn't put it off any longer. 

  
  

  I got up early and started researching every web site I could find on talking with kids about divorce.  (And by the way, there are some really good ones out there.  If you need this information do a google search on "divorce+kids" )  I was greatly reassured by the advice out there because without any kind of counsel on what is the right thing to do, I've been doing things that came highly recommended, and we've successfully avoided all the things that the sites warned would lead to trouble later.  Regardless of all else, Tim and I both love our children enough to make sure that their interests come before our own.  It's good to know that love has been a reliable guide for our decision-making so far. 

  
  

  We had planned to talk with them and then offer them a family outing for the evening.  The talk went about as well as we could have hoped.  We asked them if they know what the word divorce means and they talked about some kids they know who's parents don't live together.  Then we told them that we had decided that for everyone to be healthy and happy, that the best thing for our family would be if Mom and Dad live in separate homes.  We also explained that the moving won't happen immediately, that we had also decided that it was best for our boys for them to stay where they are until the end of the school year.  (Tucker was a little disappointed by that news, he thought it might be best if he went to a new school right away.)

  
  

  Then we asked them if they had questions.  They had a lot of questions.  They wanted to know just how far apart their two homes will be.  Michael suggested that it might be a good idea if we could find houses next door to each other.  He didn't cry until he began to understand that Mom and Dad will not be living close enough for him to be with us both every day.  Tucker was also upset by that news for a different reason, he said that he wants to always be with his Momi and suggested that if Dad just had to have a kid, that Michael could stay with Dad and he'd stay with Mom.  That was harder for us to handle, but we pointed out that he and Michael are each other's best friend and that they would really miss each other if they didn't live together.  We told him that we had decided that the boys would always be together and that we would make sure that they have plenty of practice using the phone and that we would teach them about email and letters so that when they are with Mom they can still talk to their Dad and when they are with Dad they can still talk to me.  Tucker was not much reassured by this plan but we'll continue to try to show him that both his parents love him and that he will be taken care of. 

  
  

  They wanted to know why this has to happen.  That was another hard question.  We didn't want to bring the children into the adult decisions because we didn't want them in any way to feel that they had any responsibility or any vote in the outcome.  But at the same time we want to show our kids the respect of answering their questions.  Maybe we wussed out on this one.  We told them again that as Mom and Dad had talked that we thought that in order for everyone to have their best chance of being healthy and happy, it would be better if Mom and Dad lived apart.  Michael put the question directly to Tim at that point whether he had a girlfriend somewhere else because that's what his friends had talked about.  Tim reassured him that there is no girlfriend.  We also stopped short of telling the kids that there might be a girlfriend years down the road because we felt that's more information than they need to consider at this point. 

  
  

  After they had a chance to ask us any question they could think of, we asked if they wanted to go out to a movie and pizza, but they turned us down on that offer.  Instead they asked for us to play a game of LOTR Risk with them.  And I can HIGHLY recommend the Lord of the Rings Version.  It isn't just that the map depicts Middle Earth, the entire game has been rethought to include the Fellowship, the movement of the Ring, and the various strongholds of power.  Tucker's attention span stretched about as far as it ever has for one of the "BIG" games - he lasted over an hour and a half.  (Long enough that when he quit, it was obvious that there was a person on the verge of actually winning - ME!) 

  
  

  Then we settled down with a huge tin of that holiday popcorn and watched Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Michael was pretty sceptical because his parents recommended it, but then he was entralled for the entire thing.  (I'll admit I sent them to brush their teeth during the scene where the airplane propeller dispatches the Nazi Strongman.  I know they don't actually show it - but there's blood.)  Michael was wise to me though, as he left the room he was saying to Tucker, "Mom thinks this part will scare us."

  
  

  Today, they are up for the outing we offered yesterday.  SO it's looking like a movie and Chuckie Cheese in my near future. 

  
  

   

  • 10:23 am
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