December 13, 2003

• Living as Adults

  
  

  I have a topic that I've been putting off for a lot of reasons, but I need to write it out.  When I came to Xanga 30 months ago, my husband and my sister were already here and they encouraged me that this was a place that I could write.  Because I came last to this place I was very conscious of a need (self-imposed I'll admit) to be cautious of anything I would say here that might in anyway cast either of these two people whom I loved in a bad light.  Those of you who've been reading my site for any length know that I have never used my Xanga as a place to rant and rave about my husband. 

  
  

  So what I have to say may come as a surprise.  Tim and I have decided to separate and we’ll be filing for divorce in March.  The reason for waiting until March is purely pragmatic; our children have just started school for the first time after years of homeschooling.  This transition has been difficult for them, and we don’t want to compound the difficulty by moving them before the end of the year. 

  
  

   

  
  

  The reasons for our decision to divorce are numerous and go deep.  We have known for years that we had become unhealthy for each other, we’ve recently realized that within this marriage, there is no hope for breaking those patterns.  This isn’t a spur of the moment decision, it isn’t being made in anger or out of the pain of a specific incident.  It’s the recognition that at this point we have the possibility before us that we can work out a friendship.  If the marriage continues, the pain here is so great, that every day we continue, we diminish our ability to move into the kind of healthy relationship that we must continue to try to build. 

  
  

   

  
  

  One thing we are clear on and determined to honor is that the end of the marriage is not the end of our relationship.  We do have love for each other still.  Both of us are terribly sad that we have reached this point.  Both of us are very worried about the impact this will have on our children.  We are doing everything we can at this point to minimize the trauma, but we are trying to be realistic.  We recognize that this is a frightening change for us as adults, and we expect that it will be exponentially more difficult for our babies. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I haven’t worked in 9 years, since Michael was a baby.  So I’m trying to sort out my options and figure out what I’ll be doing for a career.  One of the things that will have to be worked out is that we know that I will leave this area.  The final decision where I will go isn’t yet carved in stone, but it will be states away from Indiana. 

  
  

   

  
  

  One of the things that I have not yet addressed is the impact that our faith in God has made on this decision.  I don’t expect that everyone will agree with my opinion on this issue.  I believe, I know that God hates divorce.  I believe that God hates divorce for the same reason that divorced people hate divorce.  No one gets married thinking that it will be less than a lifetime commitment.  It takes a lot of pain to bring anyone to the point of letting go of that dream.  It takes even more pain to come to the point of pulling yourself out of the patterns of behavior that destroyed the dream in the first place.  God has no desire to see His children in pain.  Neither does He condemn us when we reach the point that we confess our inability to stand.  There is a difference between sin and foolishness.  Tim and I are reaping the fruit of foolishness.  With God’s help, we will come out of this much wiser than we came into it. 

  
  

   

  
  

  We have been on this course toward the end for a number of years.  This past year has been the climax of the story, one of incredible pain and incredible growth.  I have learned to lean on the grace of God everyday and in everyway to make it.  I am more fortunate than most people who come to this point.  I don’t have to make life decisions in a moment of crisis, we have been able to work together to plan how we’ll take these steps.  I have wonderful supportive friends and family who have committed themselves to supporting and praying for me and for Tim.

  
  

   

  I know there are some people who would want to know on what grounds we’ve made this decision.  There is a Biblical principle that you shouldn’t discuss some things any more broadly than with those people directly affected by them.  I don’t feel it is appropriate to discuss it or debate whether our grounds are sufficient in this public place.  I hope I have said enough here to make it clear that this decision has been made with the full weight of awareness of our responsibility to ourselves, to each other, to our children, and to God.  We are not pointing fingers at each other claiming that we have been victimized.  It took both of us to get to this place. 

  • 2:27 pm
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