November 24, 2003

  • The Problem with Advice


    Last week when I was writing about codependent behavior, I mentioned advice-giving as a barrier to intimacy.  In the comments below that blog, I was asked to explain that statement.  I started a couple of replies but got sidetracked and well, it looks like that will be the topic for today because I've been thinking about it across the weekend. 


    Let me say up front, that all advice isn't bad.  I seek advice from people with more knowledge and experience than I have on any number of issues.  I like to hear other people's perspectives, and I feel that I learn a lot in terms of finding options that I might not have thought of on my own when I talk things over with other people.  Getting advice and opinions from other people helps me to sort through potential solutions and make a decision.  But there is a danger to advising.


    We all want to have good relationships and good communication in a variety of contexts.  Whether I'm speaking to a parent, child, spouse, friend, relative, boss, employee or colleague, I want to communicate effectively and in a way that has a positive impact on that relationship.  Experts have estimated that when a person has a problem to be solved or a need to be fulfilled, 90% of the time the response received from the person they talk with is a "high-risk" response.  These responses are high-risk because their impact on the communication and the relationship between the two people is frequently negative. 


    I like people.  I want to offer them anything I can to help them, including my advice.  Of course, I think that the solutions I offer to their problems are helpful or I wouldn't offer them.  Even though I'm aware of the traps of advice-giving, I do it far too often.  And what's wrong with advice?  Oftentimes, advice implies a lack of confidence in the ability of the person with the problem to understand and cope with his or her own difficulties.  It can be an insult to the intelligence of the other person.  In essence, we imply to the other person that they are making a big-deal out of something that is easily solved, why just look how quickly *I* could see the answer ...  The advice we are offering to be helpful, hurts the person receiving it by undermining their confidence, and contributing to low self-esteem, resistance, and defensiveness.


    The second major drawback to giving advice, is that the advisor is seldom in possession of all the facts.  When people share their concerns, they often only reveal the tip of the iceberg.  The advisor is unaware of the complexities, the feelings, the prior agreements and arrangements, previous arguments and discussions, the many other factors that have bearing on the situation.  Without this global knowledge, the advisor is unaware of all the implications of his or her advice. 


    But even if the advice is sound, there is a third reason to try avoiding becoming an advisor.  When I have a problem, and I want to talk it over with someone, I may be interested in finding a solution, but I'm rarely interested in the other person giving me a solution.  What I want from them is the assurance that I'm not alone in my feelings.  I want to know that I have connected with someone else who can share my concern without controlling my outcome.  In other words, I'm looking for intimacy.  Someone who hears my concern or problem and launches into "well, you should ... and then ... because ... " is pushing me back to arms length.  I understand this.  I've done it, too. 


    Getting up close and personal with another person's pain is an incredibly intimate thing, which is hard enough, but then there is still the fact that it's pain I'm getting close to.  I don't like that.  I'd just as soon pat your back, and say "there, there, it will be all right, let me tell you how to fix it ..." because feeling my own pain is difficult enough.  Feeling your pain, can be devastating.  I feel helpless, and frustrated in addition to the fact that I'm crying with you.  I want to fix it.  But I can't.  I have to trust you to fix it for yourself. 


    If I protect myself, and my feelings by holding you out at a distance and advising you, I may avoid some of that pain.  But I will also put a barrier in place that keeps us on a less intimate plane.  We both deserve better than that. 

Comments (27)

  • advice is a tricky thing..could go either way

  • Yeah, the first thing I thought of when reading this is critiques I've asked people for and asked to give on writing.  It is a tricky business.  When I ask I want other opinions, but I never promise to make changes based on the feedback I get.  They give their opinions and then if I end up ignoring their suggestions it gets under their skin.  And when giving critiques, I give my honest opinions, but try to be helpful and diplomatic. The other person sometimes still gets angry if my critique is less than glowing.  It is indeed a minefield that should be entered carefully.

  • OOhhh.. Advice, I have learned not to give it.  IF asked, I will duck.   I am more of a .. well.. "what is the worst possible scenario"... type of gal.. Let them figure it out without giving any advice at al.

  • You are so right about all this!
    When I have risked giving solicited advice-- I've found that it's only ever taken if that's what they wanted to do in the first place.

  • Thanks for the advice on advice-giving!    Oh, I'm a stinker, eh?  Great blog....I'll have to keep this in mind next time I'm ready to spew forth my great ignorance. 

  • Hey, give me advice ANY time!

    : )

  • too true, too true.  i need to remind myself not to give advice too freely.

  • My son still wants to give me advice. I've noticed him stopping himself a little more, but, I can see by the look on his face that he's struggling. Sometimes he'll make it a point to say that it's not advice that he's giving me it's just his opinion. I don't even bother responding to that now.

  • You just melted my heart. Thank you.

  • I agree with a lotta what you say here.  In fact, I do a lot of keeping my mouth shut.  Doesn't keep my fingers from typing a word or two in a few weblogs, though......heh.heh.heh!

    SteveJ

  • Sometimes I really WANT the other viewpoints, and sometimes I want validation that what I think is not way off the mark. So I ask for opinions/advice. But I may not listen to all of it, because usually not everyone gives the same reply.

  • Wonderful blog, it reminds me too that many times Jesus remained silent when He could have spoken up.  Maybe it's like the Bible says there is a time for everything, maybe a time to give advice and maybe a time to step back.  I enjoy this so much thanks.  Love, Cathie Jo

  • There must be something wrong with me. I love what you wrote about advice. I think you've got your finger on something vital.
    Yet when I get advice I always find myself dissapointed. I'm reminded that everyone else is just feeling their way along, usually no better off than myself, sometimes much -worse- off....

    And that makes me sad.

  • well put.  I think I'll just stick to my 2 cents worth - because that's about all the advice is REALLY worth!  :)

  • Powerful.  And so true.

  • Putting up barriers!! I know all about that.....

  • Illogical, can not concur…
     Sail on… sail on!!!

  • when I am consulted (many people still use me as a sounding board) I try to lead them back through their own thought process by reflecting their words back to them.  People tend to find their own way when one is a decent listener.  For I, too, am loathe to just GIVE advice, even when it is specifically solicited.  I prefer to give family/friends things to think about...  so that they can hopefully make an informed decision.

  • Very well said.  Thanks.

  • I learned a long time ago that generally giving unsolicited advice to a woman is a bad idea. Most women, when they begin to communicate their troubles are really looking for empathy. Giving advice to men, on the other hand, when they begin to communicate their troubles, is generally a good thing. Men are usually looking for solutions to their troubles rather than empaty.

    Of course the above statement is a generalization. And one could get into bunches of real trouble applying generalizations unconditionally. Of course one must be aware of the situation and the individual. There's a huge danger, well, actually, several dangers you mentioned above, in offering advice, especially if one reads the situation or individual incorrectly.

    Two quick conclusions:(1) When in doubt, go for the empathy. (2) If you're sure it's OK to offer advice, offer it as an alternative as opposed to a command.

    Mike

  • "The advisor is unaware of the complexities, the feelings, the prior agreements and arrangements, previous arguments and discussions, the many other factors that have bearing on the situation"  

    I'm sure we've all run into that without fail.  Maybe that's why we love xanga so much.  We get an uninterrupted (in theory) chance to speak our mind. 

  • I hate being asked for advice, especially by people who I like and who I hope will go on liking me.  When I'm tempted to give advice, it's usually to people I don't know very well; which at least makes it easier for me to bite my tongue and say nothing....

  • I am with Oscar Wilde on this one:  The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on as quickly as possible; its never of any use to oneself.

    Most people don't want advice when they ask for it; its a euphemism for saying can I talk about me and my problems and pretend to involve you?  We all do it, we all need a sounding board once in a while.

    Great post. 

  • Too true. It's a shame when this comes up between people who are close. I have found too often that I offer advice when I thought I was offering empathy. I seem to have fallen into the bad habit of showing I am listening and engaged by verbalizing what I would do (or more likely, what I'd like to believe I would do).

    Unfortunately, this means the people I love most perceive the most criticism when that couldn't be further from the truth.

  • You are so wise....I wish I only had a portion of your talent!

    I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

    and will you tell fugitive I miss her and love her bunches!!!

    Tina

  • ack.  i'm the queen of unsolicited advice.  but when asked?  i hate to offer it.  weird, eh?  (of course, considering the source, maybe not so weird after all)

  • I agree and I disagree.

    There is a time to just listen, and there is a time to listen AND offer advice.

    And there is a ~healthy way~ to offer advice, and an unhealthy way.

    Like so many things in life, it's not so much ~what~ you do/say as ~how~ you do/say it. And the context.

    I have a long speech in my head on the subject. But I'll spare ya... plus I'm too lazy and busy to type it up.

    {v) -- Lise

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