November 23, 2003
-
Daughter of Grace (Part II)
Some months ago I wrote a blog entitled, Daughter of Grace. It's a title I blatantly lifted from a Twila Paris song that I've listened to a lot. In that original blog I posted the lyric to the second verse of the song, here is the first part:
She went down so low thought she'd never find the surface again
Went so far astray thought she'd never find her way back home
Hated to think about the past almost as much as she hated to think about the future
She sat down inside to wait, to rest her mind awhile
No use trying to fight with fate or fake a smile
There she found the end of herself
Heard a small voice crying for help
and she was ...
Carried in the arms of love and mercy
Breathing in a second wind
Shining with the light of each new morning
Looking into hope again
Unable to take another step
Finally ready to begin
Born for a second time in a brand new place
Daughter of Grace
If my weblog has a theme, I hope it's Grace. I have spent my lifetime intrigued by Grace, hoping for Grace, trying to learn how to extend Grace, and never understanding it. Like the moth to the flame I have circled around Grace and flown close enough to feel that it is a consuming fire ... but I've had a difficult time trusting myself to Grace. Part of the reason for this is my inherent nature, I was taught early and well to have no expectations of other people but to demand supreme effort from myself. I learned that there was nothing I could count on unless I earned it and that even then the caprice of circumstances and other people's right to choose could deprive me without warning of the reward for which I've worked.
I choose Grace, I choose Mercy, I choose Love and all it means,
I choose Grace, cause I need the power, and I need to walk in humility ....
It's hard for me to choose Grace. Soren Keirkegaard describes Faith as a leap in the dark. I can understand that. There comes a moment when you realize that you cannot know but you must decide anyway. Leaping about in the dark carries certain risks. I was merely strolling through the dark a few weeks ago and wound up with broken bones. To choose Grace is not to leap in the dark, but to step into fire.
In recent months, I've been standing just outside the fire, drawn to it, unable to leave it, but not quite willing to step inside either. A few hours ago, I let go of everything. Releasing fear, doubt, and my need to know and control, I stepped into the fire of Grace. I don't know where I'm going, I have no way of guessing the outcome of this move. All I know for certain is that everything I have been is being burned down. I have hope that I'll find myself refined like silver, melted and formed into something pure and useful. But I have no guarantee of anything. That's not all right with me, but it is necessary.
She spent half her life working hard to be
someone you had to admire
Met the expectations and added something of her own
So proud of all that she had done
(Where was the glory?)
So proud of all that she had not done...
'Til she knelt beneath a wall that will could never scale
There she found the end of herself
Heard her own voice crying for help
And she was
Carried in the arms of love and mercy
Breathing in a second wind
Shining with the light of each new morning
Looking into hope again
Unable to take another step
Finally ready to begin
Born for a second time in a brand new place
Daughter of Grace
We must all depend on grace
Especially me.
Yes, it amuses me that I would write a two part blog separated by months and months of other "stuff". The link to the first post on this topic is in the custom module to the left.
Comments (13)
At first, I was surprised to read this: "It's hard for me to choose Grace." I never would have guessed that of you, because you seem to do so well extending grace. But when I thought for a minute, I suppose it makes sense. Sometimes it is easier to give other people what you do not give to yourself. We do that all the time as women. I'm inspired by your leap!
i think that you pull off this theme (of grace) so... gracefully. that you still want to become so useful, when much of what you had written has already helped. wow.
Grace is what happens when we step out in faith. It is the hardest because of that faith requirement - we are proving that we believe the best is to come even when everything is dark and stormy and off balance if we so much as shift our feet.
Grace is also the biggest of the payoffs, in my opinion. Huge. Breathtaking.
I should be home from work by five. Will log on the IM as soon as I wrest control of the box here from Nick.
You are in my thoughts - every day, every way, damn near every minute.
Faith... grace... too touchy a subject for me right now... I could very easily extend words of support to you... I almost did... then I stopped... realized... would they be a lie? If I am not sure about faith... grace... for myself... how can I sincerely, honestly, tell you to have faith, that grace will be confered onto you eventually, down the road? So will you settle for a hug?
your words and the way you approach a subject so often leaves me speechless, that making a comment would only show how unevolved I truly am in regards to what you have written, but sometimes I think maybe it's better for me to show myself in a bad light than to risk you thinking I had not read-- or worse, that I had read and wasn't moved enough to comment... because really, your words, especially when you write about these kinds of subjects, have great impact on me.
Excellent read--both parts! This is part of why to study the word-- so we can pass what we learn on to others. Sometimes it enlightens, sometimes confirms, sometimes edifies. Well done. I can't wait to read what you write after you come down off that mountain
All of these comments say so much of what I would want to say, but, they say it so much better. Be well, Terri.
This moment you're in reminds me of the tower in tarot.
I feel compassion for you as a young girl who "learned" that she had to earn love, and then still couldn't count on it. That hurts. I honor the deep work you are doing now.
Oh, that's what I need to do. Release fear, doubt, my need to know & control. *sigh* I am not there yet.
Grace. Bravery. Both in abundance.
You will use this experience to refine and be refined. We will all stand amazed by your brilliant reflection of glory. Your decisions are brave and show greater confidence and resolution than you credit to yourself. You are far braver for taking this leap than others who are pushed into the fire.
How wonderful!
Mike
refined, yes... I think so.
my mom always said my middle name should've been grace b/c I was/am so klutzy. I don't think she meant it as a compliment though. My middle name instead? It's Love. Yup, it really is.
Comments are closed.