November 18, 2003

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  Affirming Myself -

  
  

  My affirmation for the day reads: I defend and protect myself and those that I care for. 

  
  

  This is about well, almost exactly half true.  I have no problem defending or protecting someone I love.  I have in fact, been known to go too far in the defense and protection of a friend.  I'm not content to see a threat neutralized, I want it completely annihilated.  Except, I'm not very good at recognizing the threat to the happiness and well-being of my loved ones, when it comes out of that need I have to join the battle. 

  
  

  As a Mom, the hardest lesson that I have to keep learning over and over and over again, is that doing things for my kids that they are capable of doing for themselves - hurts them.  When they were learning to walk, of course I stayed close by, but I had to be willing to let them fall.  That was the first hard lesson of parenting and I'm still learning it.  I want to keep them close, keep them safe, and keep them happy.  But ultimately, they will be happiest, safest, and closest to me if I let them go - staying near enough to support them and help them bandage their wounds, but letting them try and fail and try again until they learn the thing they are working on. 

  
  

  If that's hard as a parent, it's excruciating as a friend.  At least with my children I have the memory of learning those necessary lessons and something of a conviction that they are necessary.  WIth my friends, I'm not so sure that all the pain they encounter is necessary. If I have the least inkling that I might be able to save them from pain, I want to jump in between them and whatever the threat may be.  My boys recognize this about me.  They say that I'm like "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast, that I'd be the one who would take the place of the old sick father to save him from the Beast.  (Plus, like Belle, I have my own library, but that's a blog of a different day.)

  
  

  Some of you no doubt have a label in mind for the kind of behavior I'm describing.  Yes, I'm an enabler, and I'm co-dependent.  I need to be needed.  Unless I think you need me, I'm not convinced of my value as a friend.  And in forty years, I haven't been able to successfully defeat this dragon that lives inside me.  The dragon roars and blusters and you know what, there are times when its good to have a dragon.  But, that same fire that burns away the enemy, can also scorch the earth closer to home. 

  
  

  Is this all a little bit vague?  I'm the kind of friend that you just can't get rid of.  I've adopted the snapping turtle approach to relationships, and for the most part it serves me well.  Once you are in my life and my heart, you can relax.  You'd pretty much have to attempt murder to get rid of me, and even then I'd probably assume that there were good reasons for that bullet whizzing past my head.  I'm not very good at setting boundaries, at being strong in a relationship.  I'm a soft touch.  I'll loan you money, I'll give you the key to my car, I'll be happy for you to help yourself to whatever you need - if I have it to give then I take literally the Spanish proverb mi casa su casa. 

  
  

  But you know something else, those kind of relationships, well, they aren't the kind of relationships that happen between adults.  I can't take care of everyone.  And I especially can't take care of anyone if I'm not taking care of me.  Quiltnmomi is ready to lay down her arms, and try dealing with people as though they are capable of taking care of themselves.  This is pretty scary folks.  I'm feeling a little vulnerable, like, what if people figure out they really don't need me?  How do you relate to people when they don't have to have you in their life?  I think I miss my armor already.

  
  

  

  
  

   

  • 5:06 pm
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