November 12, 2003

• I'm not suicidal - don't call my MOM

  
  

  Okay - I'm not feeling so well today.  I have a sinus infection, and cold feet.  My cat and my dog BOTH want to sleep on me and I'm reduced to feeling guilty if I move and disturb THEM.  o_0  And I've been listening to Sting.  I love Sting, but have you ever noticed that after four or five hours of non-stop Sting music, you're pretty much just ready to die?  Or is that me?

  
  

  I'm not planning to die.  (I still have at least another hour to go with the Sting thing ... ) But I've been thinking about dying.  No, not thinking about killing myself!  Don't even go there.  I had an experience last night that I've been thinking about today. 

  
  

  Last night I was driving along a winding country highway, about 10:00, in the rain.  There is a curve on this road that I know to slow down for.  It's steep and sharp, carved from the side of a hill so that just beyond the outside edge is a steep embankment leading down to a ravine.  The sign that recommends you take this curve at 20 mph, may be a little optimistic.  Just in case I might forget there are a half dozen crosses nailed to various trees in this curve marking the places where multiple other people didn't slow down enough.  A couple of these crosses are adorned with reflectors to warn those of us who still drive this road.  I slowed down.  Really, I slowed WAY down, because I know this curve.  But still, my brakes locked (I didn't think that ABS were supposed to do that so I may need to have my van examined ...).  In incredible slow motion I slid off the road.

  
  

  Because I did slow down the whole thing was a surreal movement toward one tree, then another as I turned the wheel and controlled the slide.  Yes, you CAN control a slide under some circumstances as anyone who's ever driven in Minnesota can testify.  Otherwise, for 8 months of their year, no one could drive anywhere.  But back to the experience on the dark wet road, with the thick damp carpet of leaves, beneath the bare waiting trees that have claimed so many lives.   Have you ever been on one of those amusement park rides that trick you into flinching because you are certain you are going to crash only to be turned aside at the last moment?

  
  

  That was a lot like what happened.  And I had time to think.  Time to think about the people who would miss me.  Time to hope that if my family put up a cross they chose something small and tasteful (okay, I hate these things so I don't really believe that there IS anything small and tasteful enough to satisfiy my requirements.)  I had time to wonder whether or not I was afraid.  I wasn't.  I'm not ready to die in the sense that I'm planning for it to happen any time soon.  But I'm not afraid either.  As it turned out, I didn't die.  I didn't even crash the van.  I came to a complete stop in an impossible place where I hadn't hit anything, had managed to turn so I didn't go over the ravine, and was able to get back onto the road.  So I'm here to type this blog instead of you reading words -  typed by my sister who usually knows my Xanga password whether I intend her to or not ...

  
  

  Isn't it odd?  All the ifs that had to combine for me to have that exact experience.  A little slower, or drier, or brakes that worked differently, and it would have been just another trip home.  A little faster, wetter, different tires, and it could have ended much more dramatically. 

  
  

  But instead, I'm here today, with a heavy gray day dripping outside my window.  I'm curled in my chair with my wonderful blanket - and my dog - and my cat - and my sinus infection.  And Sting.  Sting who is making me think that death isn't such a bad option because really, what else is there to say? 

  
  

   

  
  

  Whenever I say your name
      Whenever I call to mind your face
           Whatever breath's in my mouth
                 Whatever the sweetest wine that I taste

  
  

  Whenever your memory feeds my soul,
       Whatever got broken becomes whole,
            Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together

  
  

  Whenever I kneel to pray,
       Whenever I need to find a way
            Whenever I say your name

  
  

                               I'm already praying.*

  
  

  (Partial lyric - Whenever I Say your Name from Sting's album - "Sacred Love".)

  • 2:19 pm
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