November 2, 2003

• Did you ever?

  
  

  Did you ever have a moment when your world just seemed to shift slightly off its axis?  You're walking along, thinking that you have a pretty good grasp on how things are and what your life is all about and then something happens.  Someone makes a chance remark, or you catch a sidewise glance in your mirror and you realize that things are not nearly so clear as they seemed a moment ago.  Decisions that you haven't questioned in years demand to be reconsidered.  Habits that you've long since extablished are revealed as less optimal than you had thought them to be.

  
  

  I've had several world-rocking moments like that over the past several months.  Some of them have been wonderful.  I've come to see myself as stronger, more creative, more alive and more beautiful than I've ever seen myself before.  Some of them have been troublesome and have caused me to rethink, to doubt and to question myself.  It's not a bad thing to stop and evaluate whether I'm doing what I have to do in order to get to where I want to go.  Its disorienting to realize that I may have taken a wrong turn.  I have a strong desire to be right.  And I have a fairly well developed ability to convince myself that things ARE right, even when I'm getting feedback from multiple sources that changes need to be made. 

  
  

  My friend, Mary, (she is SO cool) sent me a deck of cards.  Each card has an affirmation on it and the idea is to take a different one every morning.  As I'm going through the fun of reading these and absorbing them, I'm realizing how drastically my thinking has to change if I'm going to affirm myself.  I've had a whole garbage bag full of negative tapes that rewind themselves and play over and over in my head.  Getting rid of those negative thoughts that make me fearful, make me depressed, make me feel weak and doubtful is a challenging task.  But I am worth the effort its taking to learn that those negative messages, just aren't true. 

  
  

  Today's affirmation is "I take my time and rest, relax, and rejuvenate."  No matter what your situation, you will handle any challenge better if you are well rested, fit, healthy, and take time to do the job correctly.  Do not let exhaustion and self-reliance turn into an accident, injury, or sickness.  Enjoy life more. 

  
  

  You know what, I'm up for that. 

  
  

  Can I make another confession here?  I decided last week that I could use another perspective to help me be a happier, healthier person.  I want to enjoy my life more.  So I made an appointment and met with a therapist.  I haven't been in therapy for a long time.  Before when I went, I was in a state of obvious crisis.  I went just after I was raped.  And I went again during a period of time 13 years ago when Tim and I were separated.  Both those previous experiences with therapy were positive.  Yes, there were a lot of tears involved, but also tremendous growth.  I kind of thought going in this time that it would be more like "therapy lite" - I mean, I'm not in a crisis, right? 

  
  

  Since my session on Thursday, I've felt confused and disoriented.  Things that I thought were no big deal, the therapist reflected back to me in a way that made me realize that I've gone overboard in my desire to keep everything on an even keel when maybe rocking the boat would have gotten me off the sandbar.  (Had to throw in a nautical metaphor for my friend DreadPirate.  Who, BTW, has a great new book available through ebookmall.  It's the story of a vampire slayer who has NO issue with rocking the boat.  )  But enough about him (you can buy his book AFTER you read my blog, thank you.)

  
  

  Although, now that I think of it, I'm at the end of this blog.  Things are changing in my life in a surprising way, and I often don't know what I think until I write it down.  So you might want to buckle up.  I have a feeling that Q-Momi may need to peel back a few more masks.

  • 3:44 pm
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