September 17, 2003

• When You Look at Me ...

  
  

  I used to have a quote scrolling across the bottom of my page - "we see things not as they are, but as we are."  I've had reason to think about this quote over the past couple of days.  First of all, my kids have been watching my new Sleeping Beauty DVD.  I love this movie, it's my favorite of all the Disney animated classics.  I love the art, the music, the story, and the fact that the dragon is defeated with weapons of truth and faith.  None of this is relevant to the topic of the day. 

  
  

  Included with that DVD is a quiz like the ones that float around here so frequently - "What Disney Princess do you Most Resemble."  Well, my boys, being boys wanted to play the game, but well, they're boys.  So Monday afternoon they answered all the questions on my behalf to see what Disney Princess I would be.  It was fun listening to them try to figure out things like what I'd like the best out of the choices, what I'd like least, and which philosophy sounded the most like me.  In the end, they decided that their Mom is most like Belle.  They said that I'm smart, I like to read, I don't pay as much attention to the outside as to the inside of a person, I'm the kind of person who would say "take me instead" to protect someone I love, and I'd rather dance alone under the stars with my love than be at the center of the ball.   

  
  

  Also on Monday, I had a conversation with an adult who told me that I'm boring.  The context of the comment isn't really important, and I would probably not have given it much thought except that yesterday afternoon, I read a most excellent blog by VelvetGlove.  In it she talks about the pain of her friend who is going through a divorce because his wife found him to be boring.  If the quote above is valid, then a person who projects a judgment like, "you're boring" on another person, is really saying "I'm bored."  But even more than that they are saying that they want someone else to take responsibility for engaging their interest.  Doesn't that strike you as emotionally lazy?  You're boring?  Boring to whom?  I'm not bored, and it's not my job to entertain anyone but me. 

  
  

  My final experience in the trilogy of perceptual data came last night.  For the past couple of months, I've been going with my neighbor, Katie, to play in Euchre Tournaments on Tuesday evenings.  Last night Katie and I had not only our worst night ever, we set a record for the worst night that the people in this tournament could remember.  In the game of Euchre, the winning team is the first to score ten points.  The tournament consists of 8 games.  So a perfect night would be a score of 80 points.  Usually, Katie and I either win or miss by just a point or two, putting us around 70+ points for the evening.  Last night, we didn't break 20 until our SEVENTH game. 

  
  

  In the midst of all the bad cards and frustrating inability to score, Katie decided to take a break and walk around outside.  While she was gone, I was approached by a half dozen different people.  They all wanted to talk to me and tell me that they like me, enjoy having me in the tournament, and encourage me to stick with the game.  Katie and I arrive together and leave together, so this was the first chance that anyone had ever had to speak with me without her present.  I was surprised to learn that apparently Katie and I have been the topic of more than one converstation.  She tends to second guess my moves, makes up strategy rules for me to follow, lectures me during the play, and tells me that I need a lot of practice.  I don't worry about it.  I play the cards I'm dealt, smile, and let her fretting roll off.  Last night I learned that more than one of the tournament regulars have felt angry on my behalf and they were concerned that I was going to quit coming. 

  
  

  The most interesting conversation was with an older woman (Mammaw "B" is in her early 80's, and she's as sharp as they come.  Last week she and her sister Wanda won the tournament and the $500 jackpot for getting a perfect score.)  She told me that they like the way I smile and the way that I talk to them.  She said that I'm the kind of person who has fun every where I go and that I make it fun for them, too.  When I responded that I was glad to hear that, but that I didn't think I was special in that regard, Mamaw B came very close in her way to articulating the quote I like so much.  She said, "You are special, because you don't talk to us like we're opponents, you talk to us like we're people."

  
  

  I wonder if the reason that they experience me that way is because I see me as "people." 

  
  

  If it's true that we see things as we see ourselves, then maybe the best way to see other people as they really are is to see ourselves transparently.  If I can look unflinchingly at myself, and accept and LIKE what I find in there amongst the junk and clutter, maybe I'm equipped then to look at you and LIKE you even though you have junk and clutter in your life.   

  • 3:11 pm
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